Most people who divorce report considerable distress and unhappiness in the short term, but over time, there is considerable variation in adjustment. There have been many studies of the factors that contribute to divorce adjustment, but in general, most scientists have overlooked the religious aspects of divorce. This is surprising considering that most Americans report believing in God and many regularly attend religious services. Elizabeth J. Krumrei and her colleagues recently corrected that oversight and came out with a study that explores the spiritual stress and coping experiences of divorcing individuals.
The scientists tested a theoretical model of how religious ideas and spiritual strategies may influence divorce outcomes. Based on previous theories of stress and coping, the researchers began with the idea that divorcing individuals' views of divorce may be viewed from a religious perspective. In particular, divorce may be interpreted as a sacred loss and desecration. Krumrei and colleagues suggest that when people view divorce initially in negative terms, this belief is likely to lead to more divorce adjustment problems. Additionally, the scientists suggest that there are both positive and negative forms of religious coping with divorce. The positive forms such as relying on prayer, private religious rituals or worship to overcome feelings of anger, hurt and fear will lead to better adjustment. On the other hand, negative forms of religious coping such as viewing divorce as a punishment from God, experiencing tension with one's religious community or spiritual guilt would contribute to more difficulties in adjusting to divorce.
To test these ideas, the scientists recruited 89 recently divorced people and collected data about their adjustment and religious coping strategies and then followed up with them one year later to see how they were fairing. The sample was 59 percent female with an average age of 40 years. About two-thirds of the sample had children. Most of the sample indicated that they were Christian (51 percent Protestant; 27 percent Catholic). About 18 percent of the sample did not identify any particular religion.
As might be expected, those individuals who viewed divorce as a sacred loss were more depressed and were more likely to use poor conflict resolution strategies. The more negative religious coping strategies a person used, the more likely they were to be depressed one year following divorce. The more positive religious coping strategies others used predicted more growth one year later. These findings remained important even when other forms of non-religious positive coping such as problem-solving, use of humor, planning and acceptance were taken into account.
The researchers went on to explore more fully the role of negative and positive religious coping in the process of divorce adjustment. They write, "negative religious coping exacerbated depressive symptoms to a greater extent" among those individuals who had more extreme feelings that divorce was a sacred loss. It is almost as if the divorce triggers the feeling that there is a sacred loss, which led to more harmful religious coping strategies and depression. This is clearly an alarming cascade of events.
On the other hand, for those who have a more moderate view of divorce as a sacred loss, the triggering of positive religious strategies to deal with issues led to positive growth and adjustment.
In short, the role of religious views and coping strategies is not simple. It is important to examine both the positive and negative ways that religious factors can influence divorce adjustment. Likewise, most people in this study showed evidence of both types of religious coping strategies. These results emphasize the importance of considering the religious or spiritual dimensions in the assistance offered to divorcing families through educational and therapeutic programs.
Catholics can apply for, and receive a decree of nullity. It's separate from the secular divorce action and allows one to move on and, perhaps, marry again.
STAY AWAY from Covenant Keepers and other "prayer groups" that claim they can help you heal your marriage by yourself. They are rabid pentecostal fundamentalists and they claim to have 100 percent healed marriages, but their actual success rate for "praying your spouse back" is minimal. They will heap you with guilt and proscribe very rigid behaviors. They will drive you crazy, as if going through a divorce isn't living through crazy times to begin with.
Look--it's really rather simple. People grow and change all their lives: Ericksonian pyschology. Either you grow together or you grow apart. It's not the end of the world if you grow apart. Divorce is liberating. You get to find your real self again. You get to move on in the direction that causes you far less pain and is less emotionally draining than trying to "fix" something that the other partner no longer is interested in. And, when you find love again--and you will--it's better, richer, deeper.
Sadly, I received absolutely no support from him, from the church at large as well as others within the congregation. I still have remained a member but have lost respect for that church.
My sin? My ex decided that he didn't want to be married anymore. No counseling. No discussion. No working things through. I didn't make enough money for him. He moved on to someone who did.
The strangest thing about reaching out for help from the leadership (pastoral counselors) is that usually they have never been faced with abandonment, with divorce and the loss of a marriage. Therefore, they simply cannot relate to what you are going through. This particularly relates to people who have had their spouses walk away fro that marriage while you are the one to deal with the aftermath.The advice of these people can ONLY be given from what scripture says and NOT from practical experience.
It is not only impossible but also unrealistic to be held accountable, even penalized as a Christian, for decisions made by your spouse to leave the marriage. You can only be held accountable for those things that you do within the confines of the marriage.
My counsel to you as one who has lost a marriage is to seek the face of God who knows what you have experienced, who knows that you were faithful in your marriage and who cares about you in spite