More and more scientific information is being accumulated about the long-term effects of divorce on children. Until very recently, most of what we knew was about the immediate or short-term effects of divorce, but increasingly long-term studies are providing insights about effects on the formation of intimate relationships and marriages in adulthood.
The major finding that gets the most attention is the slightly increased likelihood that children of divorce will also divorce. But beyond that there has been little understanding about what contributes to this finding what else is different about relationships of children whose parents divorce.
One interesting new report on the long-term effects of divorce on intimate relationships was conducted in Finland and recently reported in the Journal of Family Psychology (2011). A group of scientists at the National Institute for Health and Welfare and the University of Helsinki conducted a 16-year follow-up study of 1471 teenagers in one Finnish community. Ulla Mustonen and colleagues were interested in understanding the intimate relationships of these adults at 32 years of age and the role that parent-child relationships may have played in their adult relationships.
In keeping with previous research, they found that children with divorced parents were somewhat more likely to be separated or divorced in young adulthood. Additionally, young women whose parents divorced were also less likely to have been married. Surprisingly, parental divorce showed no predictive relationship with divorce for young men.
On the other hand, there were a number of important findings about the ways in which parental divorce affected young women. Though parental divorce itself did have a direct effect on young women's chances of divorce, the major effect of divorce on young women was the mother-daughter relationship in adolescence. Parental divorce tended to undermine the mother-daughter relationship; however, when a positive relationship was maintained, this resulted in better self-esteem and satisfaction with social support in young adulthood, which contributed to better intimate relationships.
This finding means that one of the key factors in fostering the long-term well-being of children of divorce is through strengthening positive parent-child relationships. For this study, a positive parent-child relationship was more important for women than men, but the importance of these adolescent relationships should not be overlooked as we think about programs and policies to foster the long-term health of children.
These findings highlight a key direction for future research on the effects of divorce on children. The mere finding that these children may be more at-risk of difficulties should no longer occupy so much of our attention. The important work is understanding the factors within relationships and family process that contribute to these outcomes and identifying opportunities to buffer the negative effects while building on the positive factors. Much progress in improving children's well-being is possible and deserving of more attention.
The Bible appears to suggest that the only solution is the individual human’s restoration of intimate relationship with and leadership by God. The Bible appears to suggest that this restoration is the way to restore the distorted sense of right and wrong that puts the “cart” of material resources before the “horse” of relationship development.
I welcome your thoughts.
Imagine a person who stated they loved you but were unhappy, unloving, with your children, what would you think of that person? Most I know state it like this, if you love me, you will also love my children...and we think children will view things differently (I love you but not your other parent).
Considering the following "In America women initiate divorce 70% of the time with the expectation of receiving full custody of their children and child support (Brinig/Allen, 2000). They divorce for largely mundane reasons such as growing apart, unhappiness, not feeling loved (Amato, 2003; Braver, 2998; Hetherington, 2002). "
No small wonder Wisdom states...
Tell older women to live their lives in a way that shows they are dedicated to God. Tell them not to be gossips or addicted to alcohol, but to be examples of virtue. In this way they will teach young women to show love to their husbands and children, to use good judgment, and to be morally pure. Also, tell them to teach young women to be homemakers, to be kind, and to place themselves under their husbands' authority. Then no one can speak evil of God's word. Tit 2:3 -5
Not women alone, but men and women must be taught, women to love (actions not based on feelings alone) and men to understand (sensitive to feelings while they act soundly).
Whilst women cite "mundane reasons", what is often overlooked are the circumstances behind those reasons. My husband is an emotionally abusive character-disordered serial adulterer who wants to maintain the image of an honest, loving, faithful husband but the lifestyle of a hedonistic bachelor.
My decision to divorce came down to three things:
1. Self-preservation: Staying married was to consent to the ongoing emotional devastation of finding yet another girlfriend or encounter with a prostitute, or worse still, having to make a choice between risking a deadly disease or living in a sexless marriage.
2. Self-respect: I chose not to be treated that way.
3. Protecting my children: As the mother of two young girls, I cannot let them grow up (a) believing that that is an acceptable way to behave or be treated and (b) in an environment where they are subjected to sexually inappropriate behaviour that is directed at them.
So yes, when asked, I often state that I'm divorcing because I am unhappy and my needs (for love and security) aren't being met within the marriage. But that is the sugar-coated truth and there is a lot more to it that meets the eye.
We first marriage kids generally have a lower standard of living while growing up than our younger half-sibs, get the "left overs" when it comes to time with our remarried parent, and are expected to either disappear when the new spouse's extended family is around or treat these strangers as if they are our relatives. All the while, we feel like we're betraying our other parent and not pleasing our remarried parent no matter what we do.
I remember being told to do a family tree as a project in high school. Whose? My mom's family didn't like us and my new dad's family hated me. By then I wasn't even allowed to contact my birth father's parents (who did love us). I was a straight A student but I had to be forced to comply with that project or fail.
Took a long time to find my self esteem.
So the finding is that divorce has a greater effect on girls than boys. In America women initiate divorce 70% of the time with the expectation of receiving full custody of their children and child support (Brinig/Allen, 2000). They divorce for largely mundane reasons such as growing apart, unhappiness, not feeling loved (Amato, 2003; Braver, 2998; Hetherington, 2002). This study doesn't say but I wonder if girls don't like their mother's role model and this puts a strain on their relationship?
With an increase in the prevalence of shared custody, hopefully women will begin to think more seriously about the impact of their actions.
I'd be interested in reading your studies showing an increase in shared custody. US Census figures show sole maternal custody running over 80% for the last two decades.
My parents have been married for quite a few years, and will remain so. But I've wanted them to divorce or separate ever since I was 12. They're not violent. No abuse is involved. They just do not seem particularly happy together, not in love. I'm sure they once were. I had actually told my mother, at 12, that they should just split after they had a fight, or that they should consider it, and that if they ever wanted to they shouldn't dare not do it because of me or my brother and sister.
I don't think you're giving kids enough credit. At 12/13 I felt incredibly guilty, and maybe still do, that one of the reasons that they stayed together was because of us, as opposed to staying together because they loved each other. You'd have to be either rather simple or selfish to want your parents to stay together when they aren't happy together. I would have loved to see them both separated and happy with other people, mainly because I was always sure that they'd still take care of us.
BUT remarriage is another story - I think remarriage IS selfish. A child from a first marriage will lose access and/or attention to a new spouse and/or step-sibs. But THE WORST is when a parent and new spouse have kids together... kids that get to LIVE with their parents all the time. I could go on and on about how damaging a parent making kids in a second family is to the children from the first family. But there's no need - it's common sense. Everyone who thinks if you work hard enough at these relationships the kids from a first family won't feel inferior, neglected, less loved, etc. is kidding themselves so they'll feel better about their own choices.
Happened to me twice - divorce happened when I was 5, remarriage when I was 14. It was pretty much the usual second wife wanted a family all of her own and the the first kids should be grateful for the leftovers. Dad wanted peace at "home," which he no longer considered to be where he had been raising his first kids.
But, as an adult when my dad and step-mom divorced I did worry that he would be alone as an elderly, retired, pretty solitary guy. The divorce was horrendous for my teenage half sibs. My dad's pretty quick re/third marriage was not that big a deal except some of us kids feel more friendly toward wife #3's family and some of us would prefer to spend holidays without these "strangers" around.
So, there's one answer to your "I think if you asked..." hypothesis.
After a divorce, too many parents are caught up in their own anger, disappointment and need for validation. In their quest to feel good about themselves, they often disparage the formerly loved and respected other parent to the child they brought into this world together. But what these parents don't understand is that every time the parent tells the child that his or her other parent is bad, the first parent is also telling the child that one half of him or her is bad. Tell the child that one half of him or her is bad long enough, and it is not surprising that these children grow up to be adults with self-esteem and other issues.
Bottom line -- nothing is better for our children than good co-parenting and a willingness to put aside the pain, anger and disappointment over the divorce so the children can grow up to be emotionally healthy and happy adults. Not always easy to do, but something we should all strive for.
Sincerely,
mike jeffries
Author, A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation
Didn't you get enough free PR for your book on the last Huff Divorce articles you repeatedly posted your book title on?
If you're not selling many books 1)BUY some real PR or 2)Get a clue that not everyone is going to jump on the latest made-up diagnosis about relationships bandwagon.
Geesh
As a former child of divorce and now adult who has divorced (after 25 years), I have given this a good deal of consideration. I did in effect marry my father, all of the qualities which seemed appealing about him also became the issues that drove us apart. So my "male imprint" proved to be my destiny. As to the mother-daughter relationship, it makes sense that if it is poor, the girls will suffer, I know the boys will too although the article did not say this. The mom is usually the primary caregiver, what happens when no one is giving any care other than for themselves. That's an easy question. If at least one parent is steadfast, the kids will likely be fine.
Believe me when I say, I did everything I knew to do to NOT divorce. It is not something I ever wanted for my children (or myself). I probably endured more than was healthy in my attempt to keep it together, some of what occurred probably seemed normal to me also because I didn't know any better based on my family role model. Bummer.
This marriage is without the same issues. You can turn it around and find the right person for you. You can make it work.
Believe me, I could never have thought I would be this happy.