A Prayer for Hillary Clinton

05/25/2011 12:30 pm ET

"I didn't come here to ask you to vote for my wife, I came here to ask you to pray for her."
-- Bill Clinton

Dear Lord,

Please be with Hillary Clinton, and give her comfort.

In this time of trial for her, when her hopes must be floundering, give her peace.

In this time of difficulty for her, when her prayers must seem unanswered, let her know that You are listening. That You are there for her. That You love her, just as You love all Your children.

Give her a soul.

Let Hillary Clinton know that there is a place in heaven for her, but that if she stops acting like a Republican or a contractor trying to sub-divide the Democratic party, You'll give her not only a place in heaven, but an especially nice room with a view. And she can have the plush couch and armoire that haven't been claimed by anyone yet.

Dear God above, during these hard times when Hillary Clinton must be bitter at losing her once-thought guaranteed victory and has therefore turned to You, just as she has obviously turned to guns (and chugging Crown Royal), shine a light upon her and show her the way.

Shine a light, too, above the Exit sign, so it's more clear than it apparently seems to be. Shine lights upon the path towards the sign, so that it's impossible to miss. If Klieg lights would help, go for it - they work great at Hollywood premieres. Bring in a few tour guides, too, to help, if they're needed. Marching bands, maps, GPS systems, whatever. Just point her towards the Exit. And let her see the way.

As long as Thou art shining upon the Exit sign for Hillary Clinton, perhaps You could also shine one on the way out of Iraq for President George Bush. You could probably get a deal with a twofer. Since Hillary Clinton is now starting to talk about obliterating Iran, this Iraq Exit sign will be cost efficient, as well, able to do double-duty because getting out of Iraq first and giving the military a chance to catch its breath before diving into Armageddon would be an act of divine kindness. And in doing so, show her that exiting a pointless war is far preferable to diving into one. It's another twofer.

And don't forget that "soul" thing. She really needs one. She had one, to be sure, but it probably got packed in storage when she moved out of the White House. Or perhaps when she started to run for the presidency, it might have gotten misplaced among all the filing papers. It was a hectic time, no doubt, and there was a lot of bureaucratic red tape and fundraising, so she needs Thy guidance and help to find it again.

Dear Lord, hallowed be Thy name, give Hillary Clinton wings of joy and the gift of decency and truth, so that she mayest walk upon the tarmac of life in safety and comfort.

Let her know that she needs not pander, that her qualities are good and many.

Let Hillary Clinton know that if she does not get the Democratic nomination for president, not only do You still love her, but so too will others of Your flock. Not everyone of them, that's a given when most people don't trust her, but they wouldn't trust her or like her even if she became president, so it's no big deal to concern herself with.

Remind her that she is still a United States Senator which, as far as jobs go, is a pretty darn good one. Especially during a recession.

Remind her to talk about that recession.

Remind her, also, to talk about education, health care, the environment, global warming, and the importance of science. Remind her that she is running on behalf of all these things, not against someone who generally agrees with her about them all.

Remind her that she has a daughter who loves her, and a husband who appears to, though he's not helping as much as he thinks he is.

Dear God, who art in heaven, please be with Hillary Clinton so that she may not implode before our very eyes. She has much good in her. She has much good that she is yet to do, even if it's in the Senate or private life. Or one day as President, whenever in the future that may be. Let her not ruin her life, and take her party down with her, and ultimately the country.

Give her strength to not act like everyone's cliché.

Dear Lord of goodness, who art great and fills us with awe from on high, bring Hillary Clinton serenity.

And don't forget that soul thing.

And if you could do something for the Cubs this season, after 100 years wandering in the wilderness, that would be nice, too. Okay?