Four months ago, I wrote a piece here suggesting that people were ignoring the huge problems China will face when journalists arrive en masse. "How is China going to deal with the world press?," I wrote. And replied, "If I was forced to bet, I'd put my cash money on a one-word answer: badly."
Surprise!
The Olympics hasn't even started yet, and some journalists already have gotten beaten up by the police. Live transmission from selected areas has been refused. The White House press plane was detained. Hey, things happen.
Oh, okay, so the government of China blocked a few websites. At least, nothing serious that would get noticed, just places like, oh...Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch. But after a bit of negotiation (Read: "outrage") that's been fixed. Though, er...apparently the Huffington Post is still blocked. So, what you're reading here is not possible to read in China.
But then I realized something wonderful.
Remember when you were a kid, and your parents went out and you had the house all to yourself, and you could jump on the furniture, squeeze the chocolate sauce straight into your mouth, invite your friends over for a party and break into the liquor cabinet? Well, the Chinese government just went out for the night, and we have the house all to ourselves!!
We're alone here on the Huffington Post. We can say whatever we want.
And the government of China won't ever know!!
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Nyah, nyah, nyah, your fly is open.
You know those two Japanese journalists you beat up? They're mooning you.
When you call it The "Great" Wall of China, that is just way too egotistical. Freud would probably say it's overcompensating for sexual inadequacy.
You thought you were so smart not allowing live coverage from Tiananmen Square so people wouldn't be reminded of how you put down human rights protests. Well, guess what...
You probably think that having impenetrable smog is a good thing because it blocks the police from being seen as they beat up journalists, but - they're journalists, they'll still write about it later. Ha, ha.
President George Bush is over there with you. And not here with us. Suckers!!!
When you ignore the world criticizing your support of Darfur, people still know it exists and say rude things behind your back.
If you call in the next five minutes, we'll give you $150 million.
By the way, the "Great" Wall isn't all that great. You can't even play handball off of it.
Hey, remember this?
It must really suck eggs to know that although you claim the tiny island of Taiwan right off your coast, it's not under your control, but democratic and ridiculing you.
Darfur, Darfur, Darfur, Darfur, Darfur, Darfur, Darfur.
1.3 billion wonderful people, and it still took someone in Oakland, California, to invent the fortune cookie.
Yao Ming left you to come to America to play basketball.
Hey, want to know a really great wall? The Wailing Wall, that's a great wall.
You've blocked the Huffington Post, so you can't see this -
There's a splotch of mustard on your cheek. Psych!
Table tennis is not the really cool sport you think it is.
How many fingers are we holding up? Guess what we're doing with them?
I'll bet you're really proud of how old and venerable China is. Well, guess what? John McCain was there first.
Chris Kelly had the funniest column on the Huffington Post the other day. Oh, darn, you missed it.
We know where the key to your liquor cabinet is.
China is such a beautiful country. It's a shame that those massive pictures of Mao Tse Tong everywhere make it seem so creepy.
All that money we owe you - we're not paying it back.
With 1.3 billion people, how lame does someone have to be to end up with a one-party system?
Pandas are very cute. But they don't hold a candle to koala bears.
Darfur.
While you say its name is now "Beijing," people still call it "Peking" when you can't hear.
Some people here in the U.S. wanted to build a Great Wall across the entire border, too. It didn't get anywhere, though. Everyone else recognized how really stupid an idea it is.
Hint: "One man, one vote" means everyone's vote is equal. It doesn't mean that only one man in the entire country gets to decide everything.
You withdrew the visa of Olympic Gold Medalist Joey Cheek because he's outspoken about Darfur. Guess what? Thanks! Do it again! That brought more international attention to the issue than if he'd gone.
And if you could read this, I'd mention that next time you invite the world to you house, don't slam the door on their fingers. It's not polite. And therefore no matter how pretty the colorful party is you put on, people see you for you who really are.