10/04/2007 01:26 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Rush Limbaugh Joins Ahmadinejad in GOP Heaven

With Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad proclaiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran, and Rush Limbaugh stating that he doesn't know "a single Republican or conservative" who wants to pull out of Iraq -- it turns out that Ray Kinsella was wrong in Field of Dreams. Heaven is not Iowa. No, instead, we learn that heaven is some mystical place halfway between Iran and Rush Limbaugh's open mic.

Not just heaven, this is Republican heaven, which gets bonus points because they claimed it and planted a flag there.

Republican heaven is a pretty special place, even more than normal heaven. Imagine a world with no homosexuals and where Americans can stay forever fighting in Iraq. And when you throw Bill O'Reilly into this heaven, you've also got really nice restaurants where you can even eat at places run by blacks. Then again, since this is Republican heaven, there won't be any blacks there, but the restaurants would have been good, and no one would call for any MF-ing iced tea, so you could take kids. Indeed, with no blacks, this also means that Republican candidates can patriotically show up at every debate. Except those thrown by Hispanics, but that won't be a problem either, since Republican heaven will at least have a big wall built to keep them out.

Louis Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World" will be piped in everywhere. It'll have to be a recording, though, since Louis Armstrong was black, but still it's a nice song.

In Republican heaven, thanks to President Ahmadinejad, the GOP won't have to worry about what to do with Larry Craig and Ted Haggard, or answer any more questions about Mary Cheney. (Or even Dick Cheney, since you know he's not going to any kind of heaven.) Better still, David Vitter won't be a problem either, though that's because Republican heaven will have hookers everywhere.

By the way, in fairness to Rush Limbaugh (a concept he may be unfamiliar with, so it's good to make the introduction here), his full quote was that he didn't know any Republicans or conservatives who want to pull out "in defeat." It's possible therefore that he does know some Republicans or conservatives who want to pull out in victory. However, since victory in Iraq is primary in his mind (something not even President George Bush is mentioning anymore these days), it's reasonable to assume that if Mr. Limbaugh knew Republicans or conservatives who had a plan for victory that involved pulling out, he'd mention it. But because he hasn't, then he probably doesn't know any of them either. So, the point is that Rush Limbaugh simply doesn't know any Republican or conservative who wants to pull out of Iraq, period.

Republican heaven, indeed.

Hold the collard greens. Pass the fork.

There is only one little cloud on the Rush Limbaugh horizon, and that's the growing likelihood that the official G.O.P. Poster Boy will be condemned by the United States Senate.

See, when the Senate just voted to "strongly condemn personal attacks on the honor and integrity of General Petraeus," it also included "and all members of the United States Armed Forces."

Unfortunately for Mr. Limbaugh, that's precisely who he personally attacked when blasting "the phony soldiers" who call for a U.S. pullout from Iraq.

Uh-oh. That can't be good. You have to figure that even phony soldiers at least faced real roadside bombs when fighting for America.

That's why the Honorable John Cornyn (R-TX) is no doubt drawing up yet another of his amendments of strong condemnation, this time against Rush Limbaugh. And no doubt, all 49 honorable Republican senators who voted for the previous strong condemnation are lined up to also condemn Mr. Limbaugh, as will the honorable 22 Democrats who had a brain freeze. Their outrage at personal attacks against the honor and integrity of any member of the Armed Forces was no doubt so heartfelt and even more patriotic that they will relish doing their duty.

One can only hope that Rush Limbaugh didn't unpack his bags when he was earlier saved from jail for his little, OxyContin drug abuse incident, because he's in a whole mess of trouble this time. It's not likely there'll be jail time, but with outraged senators, you never know what they'll do in the name of honor.

But God willing, one day Rush Limbaugh will still make it to Republican heaven, and on that morn will walk hand-in-hand with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in blissful Republican-heaven peace.

Well, okay, not hand-in-hand. That sure won't happen. But they can now eat in the same restaurant.