On Tuesday, President Bush met with the press and made a purportedly defiant statement defending several of his advisors being brought before Congress and questioned publicly under oath about their possible involvement in crimes. Using sophisticated and secret government technology previously unavailable, we have been able to translate and interpret the actual meaning and sub-text behind his words:
"The Justice Department has provided the Congress more than 3,000 pages of internal Justice Department documents, including those reflecting direct communications with White House staff. This, in itself, is an extraordinary level of disclosure."
[Okay, okay, so it's an extraordinary low level, but at least it's extraordinary. I mean, geez, any department worth spit in Washington can turn out 3,000 pages of documents by lunch. And if they don't, they aren't trying.]
"I recognize there is significant interest in the role the White House played in the resignations of these U.S. attorneys."
[Boy howdy. And I can't tell you how much I was hoping that interest would have stayed with one of those other scandals last week - the Walter Reed Hospital scandal, the FBI abuse of the Patriot Act scandal. For Pete's sake, what does a guy have to do here to distract people? Why couldn't everyone have stay interested in those??]
"The President relies upon his staff to provide him candid advice. The framers of the Constitution understood this vital role when developing the separate branches of government."
[At least that's what I'm told by those giving me candid advice. I've never really grasped that whole "separate branches of government" thing. I just thought it was my office, and the rest were...I don't know, in the way.]
"And if the staff of a President operated in constant fear of being hauled before various committees to discuss internal deliberations, the President would not receive candid advice, and the American people would be ill-served."
[Okay, sure, that candid advice has sucked eggs for six years, and the American people have been incredibly ill-served. But you people are supposed to live in constant fear, not us.]
"So I'll allow relevant committee members on a bipartisan basis to interview key members of my staff to ascertain relevant facts."
[I will allow this because my lawyers tell me there's a good chance Congressional subpoenas and the Supreme Court will force it on me. Besides, "relevant" committee members and "relevant" facts pretty much eliminates everything since I don't think anything other than my office, my thoughts, my wishes and my dog Barney is relevant.]
"In addition to this offer, we will also release all White House documents and emails involving direct communications with the Justice Department"
[All indirect communication on this issue, however, is off limits.]
"However, we will not go along with a partisan fishing expedition aimed at honorable public servants."
[And Karl Rove. By the way, we will along go along with a partisan hunting expedition - as long as Dick Cheney can be in charge of the firearms and birdshot, heh, heh!!]
"The initial response by Democrats, unfortunately, shows some appear more interested in scoring political points than in learning the facts."
[Scoring political points is our job. Their job is to try to find the facts where we've hidden them.]
"It will be regrettable if they choose to head down the partisan road of issuing subpoenas and demanding show trials."
[Very regrettable. I'm regretting it already. Sweating bullets, actually.]
"I hope they don't choose confrontation."
[I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope...Oh, pleeeeease....]
"I will oppose any attempts to subpoena White House officials."
[I cite the precedent of the beloved Richard Nixon. And that worked out for him, didn't it? I missed a bunch of those classes in college, between cheerleading practice and keggers.]
"I regret these resignations turned into such a public spectacle."
[We prefer to keep our spectacles private. Either that or bomb them and then declare 'Mission Accomplished.']
"If the Democrats truly do want to move forward and find the right information, they ought to accept what I proposed."
[In fact, Democrats ought to accept everything I propose. They accepted everything I proposed right up to the start of the war. And even beyond. And that's worked out okay, hasn't it? Well, it has for me. Sort of.]
"If scoring political points is the desire, then the rejection of this reasonable proposal will really be evident for the American people to see."
[I'm The Decider, y'know, so I can decide what the definition of 'reasonable ' is. And I decide that "testifying without being under oath, without a transcript and in private" as being 'reasonable.' Hey, it worked out okay when the oil company executives testified, didn't it? Well, it did for them.]
"I'm sorry the situation has gotten to where it's got"
[You have no idea how sorry. I was hoping we'd be able to fire those U.S. attorneys in secret like we've done everything. I'm mean, man, you bought those 16 words that lied America into war, who knew you wouldn't buy this!]
"...but that's Washington, D.C., for you. You know there's a lot of politics in this town."
[And, man, it is just piling up in my own office overtime.]
"Thank you all for your interest."
[Th, th, that's all folks!]