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Palin Holds Press Conference to Explain Last Press Conference
Responding to criticism that many were confused by her resignation speech on Friday, Governor Palin issued another press conference today to explain her reasons in "plain English" and without the use of sports and/or fish metaphors.
"When I last spoke about the issues at hand here on Friday," stated Palin, "I was addressing hardworking, average Americans who understand what it means to be a leader. Average Americans also understand sports metaphors and the direction a dead fish will move when in a particular body of water that has a current."
Last week's surprise press conference, conducted on Palin's back lawn in Wasilla, has been the subject of much speculation with many accusing the governor of not clearly articulating her reasons for resigning her seat as governor.
"It's come to my attention that some of my critics, mainly out-of-touch members of the media elite who don't follow basketball, were confused when I mentioned being a point guard and the full-court press that was being applied here," said Palin.
"Let me state my reasons in plain English without any sports analogies: I'm resigning because I feel I can be a more effective leader operating from the sidelines. I'm no bench warmer," she added.
Throughout the holiday weekend the media tried to make sense of Palin's resignation as well as her ability to make an entire speech without stopping once to take oxygen into her lungs.
Anderson Cooper, was candidly perplexed by all the talk about hoops and baskets.
"Honestly, I know nothing about basketball," said Cooper. "All I know about is politics."
Meanwhile, a sports reporter covering the conference for the Wasilla Times was equally confounded. "I do follow basketball and I don't know what the hell she was talking about," he said.
Standing on her lawn in Wasilla this morning, her family once again by her side, Palin attempted to clear up the confusion about fish and point guards while ending speculations that she was leaving office because of an impending scandal.
"The great state of Alaska and her great people know what I was talking about last Friday," Palin told the handful of reporters invited to attend the event. "But let me explain again to those who are eager to attack me."
"When I was a point guard at Wasilla High School," she continued, "my nickname was 'The Barracuda.' Barracudas hunt in packs and they put a full-court press on their prey, just like people have been doing to me. And driving to the hoop, this barracuda didn't want to succumb because if I let them beat me, I'd be like a dead fish floating with the current. But that's not how this barracuda is wired. No siree."
Palin went on to note that since barracudas travel in large schools they understand the value of teamwork.
"Barracudas know when to pass the ball--for victory," she said. "Or at least they would if they had hands underwater there, instead of fins and whatnot."
Critics say that today's press conference was even more confusing than the one held on Friday, further muddling the governor's reasons for departure. Still, Palin did manage to shed some light on her ability to make an eight-minute speech without taking a breath.
"They don't call me the Barracuda just because I'm tough," she told reporters referring to her uncanny ability to forgo breathing.
"Sometimes, I prefer making speeches without breathing at all. I'm an avid runner and depriving my brain of oxygen sorta feels like having a runner's high. Plus, I know the First Dude will catch me should I get too dizzy. He's a deacon at our family's Pentecostal church and has lots of practice catching fainters who have had demons exorcised."
Most scientists say that when the brain is deprived of oxygen it can no longer function properly, and that this could explain the governor's inability to communicate clearly. But fervent Palin supporter, Dick Kristal, contends that the brain can operate just fine without oxygen.
"Excess carbon emissions cause global warming, too little oxygen can cause decreased brain activity, blah blah blah blah blah," said a visibly agitated Kristal. "These are clearly just theories, pseudo science promoted by liberals."
In response to a question posed by a Times reporter, Palin also took a moment to briefly address posts she made to her Twitter account on Saturday where she threatened several reporters with lawsuits.
"I just needed to be clear since there have been baseless allegations about me in the last several days. Just because my nickname is barracuda and I don't need to breathe, that doesn't imply that I'm a dead fish floating with the current. Let's be clear, I swim against the beltway's politics-as-usual current!"
Palin spokesperson, Peg Mapleton says the governor will be holding another press conference at noon on Thursday.
"She's decided to hold a third press conference to clear up any confusion surrounding the second press conference since there are still a few lingering questions about what she said in her first press conference," said Mapleton.
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Palin is just a small athletic supporter
"Let me state my reasons in plain English without any sports analogies: I'm resigning because I feel I can be a more effective leader operating from the sidelines. I'm no bench warmer," she added.
You can't make this stuff up.
This whole problem could easily be solved with subtitles. The only problem is finding someone who can accurately translate gibberish into an understandable language.
I am not a Democrat or a Republican, I just want the right person to do the job for the right reasons; the Republicans have got to be shaking their collective heads if they want to polish this woman's image; I have nothing against her personally, but politically, I wouldn't touch her with a 10-foot tuna.
~These are critical times, ethics charges are higher than expected, the Legislature was mean to me and that calls us mavericks to mavericky action also to deal with the problem of ethics charges that call mavericks to act. [wink, blink]
As the executive of the state that I am the executive of that keeps an eye on Russia and also Putin's ugly head, I see from my window another ethics charge and that calls mavericky me to do something. [blink] That's why - oh it's also about our most valuable resources, oil and fish - I did the mavericky thin' also decided not to run for governor in 2010.
I authorized a study of myself that would study me and my future to see what I should do in the future. Because I am so interested in Alaska I studied the study that says I will be where God wants to put me in Alaska for Alaska. So before I go fishing, I accepted on my behalf, my resignation as Alaska's Governor. You betcha! [blink wink]~
I am asking forgivness for this double post by SharpDressedMan, but it is a must read for all that true thinkers, think. If I had the funds to set up a Pulitzer Prize Award for Journalism this would be THE ONE. But, as a Red State Employee[d] Democratic Voter who has not had a raise in 2 years, I ain't got the money.
Sarah Palin has terrorist thighs.
What a sale-out, an American VP contender cannot expressed her self in common sense, got to have 3 press conferences to express simply "I'M QUITTING". What a disgrace and .... To the respected offices of Governorship and VP!
What an embrassment to the offices of Governorship and VP. It is amazing that the contender of the office of the US VP cannot simply say "I'M QUITTING".
She certainly is an expert on flounder !!!
~@~@~ I wonder what they, she and Kristol, are breathing if not O2 . . . We could recommend carbon monoxide in large whiffs. That would save her using what little air she does for those who inhale rapidly while listening to her "leading from the sidelines" ! !
That is very funny.
~These are critical times, ethics charges are higher than expected, the Legislature was mean to me and that calls us mavericks to mavericky action also to deal with the problem of ethics charges that call mavericks to act. [wink, blink]
As the executive of the state that I am the executive of that keeps an eye on Russia and also Putin's ugly head, I see from my window another ethics charge and that calls mavericky me to do something. [blink] That's why - oh it's also about our most valuable resources, oil and fish - I did the mavericky thin' also decided not to run for governor in 2010.
I authorized a study of myself that would study me and my future to see what I should do in the future. Because I am so interested in Alaska I studied the study that says I will be where God wants to put me in Alaska for Alaska. So before I go fishing, I accepted on my behalf, my resignation as Alaska's Governor. You betcha! [blink wink]~
:-)
at this rate, she'll be holding press conferences until we're all dead and buried. And since when to barracudas play basketball? She says she doesn't like politics as usual but it seems to me she's the poster child for p.a.u. She's immersed in scandal, she's lied, she's cheated, she's been bought off, and she hides behind her religion and flag while she does it. What's so different about that?
I didn't know fish could play basketball. . .
What I find interesting is what a low opinion Palin has of herself. She claims the main reason for her leaving was what litigation was costing the state of Alaska. But her extra litigation represents like .02% of the states budget. You'd think if she could run the state even one percent better it would be well worth the costs. One thing is for sure though if she doesn't think she can do the job of Alaska governor even one percent better than the alternative she has no business running for president.
This whole article is tongue-in-cheek, right? How could an explanation of an incoherent explanation be less coherent than the original incoherent explanation? Take breath here.
That's what I was thinking. This has to be satire. A joke. She didn't really hold a second press conference with plans for a third... right? Anyone?
I know this is satire, but it's still worth pointing out -
Point guard's don't beat a full-court press by "driving through and looking at the basket." You pass it off to forwards who come into the backcourt to help.
It's not just "dead fish" that go with the flow - it's any kind of school fish, and especially salmon smolts, which is why slack water behind dams is so dangerous to salmon runs. Seems a salmon fisherman would know that.
Gen. MacArthur never said he was "attacking in a different direction." That was USMC Maj. Gen. Oliver Smith at the Battle of the Chosin Reservoir in Korea.
Even when she's being all foksy-mavericky, she's just plain wrong.
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