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Why No One Loves Valentine's Day

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I'm convinced that no one really loves Valentine's Day.

If you like candy, you hit the jackpot on Halloween. For food, Thanksgiving is the Super Bowl. As for gifts, Christmas is the big Kahuna.

I'm not saying Valentine's Day is inherently bad. I'm just saying it is certainly no one's favorite holiday.

Except for Hallmark and Hershey's.

And that's part of the problem with Valentine's Day.

It is fraught with with commerce-driven expectations.

Allow me to grossly generalize. More precisely, gender-alize. Which is to say that women typically have a different perspective on Valentine's Day than do men.

For a lot of women, the attitude is like... How much do you love me? And on this day that's measured by what she gets.

For many guys the question is more like... Oh hell, what do I have to get her?

Because when all goes right there's a payoff. Or what the ladies like to call intimacy.

As a sex, however, men are not the most romantically imaginative.

We give a card -- that's been highly personalized by a copywriter at Hallmark. We'll get you overpriced flowers -- carefully selected by an intern at 1-800-Flowers. And we will buy you chocolate. Because chocolate is the drug -- that makes women feel love.

And that's no bull. There's a chemical compound in chocolate that's responsible for feelings of euphoria, hyperventilation, increased heart rate, dilated pupils and sweaty palms.

Damn! All along we thought it was us!

As a food guy, what I'm thinking about is what are we going to eat?

And I don't mean edible panties. We must demand better.

And not those cakes, either, that are shaped like genitalia. Sure, that's a fine looking piece of buttcake you're serving there, but does anyone really get turned on digging into pie that looks like a penis?

Look, guys, if you can make the meal, do it! There's little that women appreciate more. (Except for jewelry and extended foreplay.)

I say go in with the Big Three: Oysters, Champagne and Chocolate.

Oysters because they are a well-known aphrodisiac. Plus, the added benefit is that you can tell a lot about a person's sexuality by how much they appreciate oysters.

Champagne. Not just because it's romantic and celebratory, but because any time you take booze and add bubbles, you increase the likelihood of... intimacy.

And chocolate because, well, even if you don't induce euphoria, it's good to know that the chocolate will.

Remember: Life is short. Never waste a meal.