You Should Vote Republican If...

As next Tuesday's midterm election approaches, many Americans have a "plague on both your houses" view and can't decide which party they more want to vote against. As a public service, I'll provide some reasons (well, maybe that's not the right word) to vote Republican:

■ If you think climate change is a hoax, vote Republican.

■ If you think a disease that has so far killed zero American citizens and is transmitted only by direct contact with an infected person's bodily fluids is a reason for widespread panic in the United States, vote Republican.

■ If you think more jobs are created under Republicans than Democrats, vote Republican.

■ If you think an economy losing more than 800,000 jobs a month (when Obama replaced Bush) is better than an economy adding well over 200,000 jobs a month (now), vote Republican.

■ If you think providing health care insurance to millions of people who didn't have it is un-American, vote Republican.

■ If you think Barack Obama is the Antichrist, vote Republican.

■ If you think women should be paid less than men for the same work, vote Republican.

■ If you think that the highest consumer confidence index since 2007 is an indication of failure, vote Republican.

■ If you think CEOs should be making 330 times as much as the average worker (in 1970, before the "Reagan Revolution," CEOs made only 27 times as much as the average worker), vote Republican.

■ If you think the richest 13,000 Americans should be taking in 8 percent of the American income, vote Republican.

■ If you think we should return to 20-page-fine-print credit card "agreements" that don't tell you that you could pay it all off quickly if you pay a little more than the minimum monthly payment, vote Republican.

■ If you think people should not be free to marry whomever they want, vote Republican.

■ If you think banks and corporations should be left free to screw the American people in any way they see fit, vote Republican.

■ If you think that $290 a week is enough pay for someone working a full-time job, vote Republican.

■ If you think that Americans are being crushed under a huge tax burden when the fact is that the share of GDP going to federal taxes is currently the lowest it has been since 1950, vote Republican.

■ If you think the amount of money corporations and the rich can pour into political campaigns should be unlimited, vote Republican.

■ If you think that the richest 400 families and individuals in the United States having a larger combined net worth than the lowest 60 percent (more than 67 million households) combined is just fine, vote Republican.

■ If you think a Dow at well over double where it was the day George W. Bush left office and a Democrat took over is a bad thing, vote Republican.

■ If you think an unemployment rate of 7.8 percent and rapidly rising (when George W. Bush left office) is better than an unemployment rate of 5.9 percent that is steadily falling, vote Republican.

■ If you think what Fox News says is accurate, vote Republican.

■ If you think the world was created 6000 years ago and God placed fossils in the rocks to test our faith, vote Republican.

■ If you think what you want to believe is more important than facts, vote Republican.

Bottom Line:
If you prefer fiction to fact, think a collapsing economy is preferable to an improving economy, and that the superrich should keep getting more of the nation's income and wealth, vote Republican.

Robert S. McElvaine teaches history at Millsaps College. He is currently completing a novel, What It Feels Like ...