Donald Trump has the potential to create the most important change in American history, to finally get this country to a place where it will be the hallmark of civilized nations, universally respected. This is why we call on all Americans to drop their divisiveness and vote for Donald Trump for president, starting in their state primary and then in the general election. It is particularly pressing to decide this at this time of the year, in this holiday season. If you've ever been bothered by the commercialism, by the corruption so blatant right now, you must support the one person who can save us.
Permit me to introduce myself. I am Jason Thursby, national president of Secular America Now for Everyone (SANE). For too many long years we have advocated that America turn from religion, ban these foreign practices and finally achieve our true destiny, becoming a completely secular nation.
In the past we have been foiled by public opinion and threat of lawsuit. Now, at last, we have a leader willing to defy these false sentiments. Trump will lead the way to making America great and secular.
How, you ask, will even this formidable figure achieve such a titanic goal? Clearly you underestimate his vision. His attacks on Muslims immigrants are only the opening salvo; soon he will propose banning the practice of this religion. Americans, believing the terms "Muslim" and "terrorist" are synonymous, will overwhelmingly support this step. Can we even dream of passage of a constitutional amendment to this effect? Donald Trump can, and does. He leads the way!
After that the next steps will follow like cheap dominoes falling. We estimate Judaism will be next; many Americans even now question this heathen faith, and whether it is legitimate. Banishment will be quick. Catholicism will go soon after; there are still enclaves which perceive this as the church of the whore of Rome.
"But you are daft," the critics roar. "This country was founded by Anglican cavaliers in Virginia and Puritan devouts in Massachusetts. We will never abandon the Protestantism so many American practice."
Have you not been following current fault lines? Evangelicals are denouncing mainstream church bodies, and the old established faiths have no love for their noisy lower class brethren. It will be child's play to pit one against the other, and they will all be vanquished, one by one.
By the time we are finished, America will be secular in root and branch. And that will be the gift, above all, of Donald Trump. Happy holiday.
This post is satire.