The loss of a child is the most unimaginable and devastating parental experience. What these parents thought their lives would look like is suddenly and catastrophically shattered forever. This loss goes against the natural order of life and often crushes the parents' hopes and dreams for the future.
Grieving and mourning is essential during this time, and each parent needs to take his/her own unique journey in order to heal, but everyone's ability to get through this kind of hardship varies.
When a parent is pathologically stuck in the mourning process or unable to move forward, it can create a unique psychological occurrence for the surviving child or children born after this loss. It's a syndrome that was first named in the 60's called "replacement child".
Life Coach and talent manager, Rita Silverman, a self-identified replacement child and her colleague psychiatrist, Dr. Abigail Brenner, decided to collaborate together so they could raise awareness about this frequently misunderstood and virtually unnoticed psychological phenomenon. In their new IPPY award winning book, Replacement Children: The Unconscious Script, they tackle this complex topic, in a most conversant style.
Throughout the book, they aim to give parents, therapists, and replacement children alike a better understanding about this syndrome, while also pointing them in the right direction, so they can get the guidance and support they need.
When Rita and I sat down together, she went into more detail about the most commonly questions posed to her about the Replacement Child Syndrome, as well as told me a little bit more about her latest book, (Katie Couric wrote the foreward) .
Dr. Robi: Who qualifies as a replacement child?
Rita: A replacement child could easily be you, a family member, or someone you know. Replacement children come from all walks of life, ethnicities, and circumstances. They share a common experience, one in which they are, often unconsciously, designated to fill a void within a family left by a lost sibling. In our book, Replacement Children: The Unconscious
Script, we dive into the subject of replacement children through a multitude of candid personal stories and the best of the available research.
Dr. Robi: I think a lot of people might be inclined to misunderstand this term or concept:
Rita: Yes, you are absolutely correct about the confusion. To clarify, the term "replacement child" is a concept and not to be taken literally. It was coined by two psychologists in the 1960s and refers to an actual emotional/psychological syndrome. It was never meant to suggest that anyone is ever replaceable.
Though the words make many people uncomfortable, most adult replacement children respond with excitement and relief when they hear a term that they feel helps describe their own personal experience.
Dr. Robi: What are the various circumstances where a child may find themselves living the experience as a replacement child?
Rita: A death in the family, a sibling who has suffered, or is suffering, from a long-term illness, accident or emotional loss could all set the stage for a subsequent child, or an older child, to become caught up in the role of a "replacement child". A child may be adopted to replace an "idealized" child, and it is not unusual that a remaining twin feels a responsibility to carry on for the "other".
Dr. Robi: What about children born or adopted right after the loss of another?
Rita: Children born or adopted after the loss of a sibling are NOT automatically replacement children and should not be described as such. When a new child is welcomed into the family "in addition to" and not "instead of" and is given every opportunity to blossom with their own unique identity, the term replacement child does not apply.
Dr. Robi: How does this situation come about?
Rita: While attempting to find various ways to cope with the loss of a child, parents are survivors. They are struggling to do the best they can in the most difficult of circumstances. However, if trauma is not talked about and processed it can get in the way of moving forward. Traumatized parents may have trouble bonding to a new child or become inconsistent in responding to the needs of their other children. Parents in turmoil may be so consumed by their own grief that they may not be aware of the patterns being established within the family.
Dr. Robi: What was your motivation for writing this book?
Rita: I was born eighteen months after my brother died of a heart condition. He was fourteen years old at the time. Growing up, I did not realize how profoundly this affected my life. Many years later I had a chance conversation with a friend about the loss of her firstborn child to leukemia. Her second child was born a short time later, but my friend was unable to connect to her in the same joyful way. She still felt depleted mentally and physically from the loss of her first child. As she spoke, I had a powerful realization that our stories were woven from the same fabric. My childhood circumstance was very similar to that of my friend's daughter - we were both replacement children.
After that conversation, I heard many similar stories everywhere I went. I was surprised by how widespread the replacement child experience is.
I began to recognize patterns common to the lives of replacement children, similarities that joined us all. My interest was definitely piqued, but I could find only a very limited amount of information on the subject. I felt strongly that this community needed further attention, and so I began the research for this book.
Dr. Robi: You have a very interesting chapter in your book about famous replacement children. Can you mention a few of them and tell me if you have a favorite?
Rita: Who would have guessed that Elvis Presley, Katherine Hepburn, Vincent Van Gogh, Peter Sellers, and Salvatore Dali are all replacement children! While exploring their history, it was fascinating to see how their role as replacement children so clearly influenced their lives and work.
Elvis was a twin-less twin, Katherine Hepburn took her dead brother's birthday as her own, and Vincent Van Gogh was born one year to the day after the birth of his stillborn brother. Van Gogh and his brother carried the identical name, Vincent Willem Van Gogh, and even share the same number (29) in the parish register.
Another compelling story is that of James Barrie, author of Peter Pan, who was six years old when his brother, David, died in an accident at fourteen. Their mother became deeply depressed. To keep his mother's attention, Barrie sat with his mother in her bedroom night after night. To gain his mother's favor, he dressed up in David's clothes and learned to whistle the way David did. When Barrie turned fourteen (The same age as David when he died) he stopped growing at only 5 feet tall. We go into detail about each of these as well as others in our book.
Dr. Robi: Why is your book and the concept of the replacement child so important for people to understand and know about? What are you hoping people will learn after reading your book?
Rita: This book and the concept of Replacement Children explores previously under explored territory. It is important to understand this prevalent but often misunderstood phenomenon because it can be the underlying, and often missed, root of emotional issues such as perfectionism, anxiety, survivor's guilt, people pleasing, feelings of inadequacy, etc. Unfortunately, many health practitioners are completely unaware of the syndrome. As a result, the core issue may never be addressed in therapy.
One of our contributors, Shelly, speaks about the importance of identifying as a replacement child:
"Until I was contacted for this book, I never understood that I was telling myself that I am a failure because I am not perfect. I'm not like Jennifer. And I have convinced myself that being perfect is the price I must pay for being born. I have been through years of therapy with a very good therapist, but not once have we talked of Jennifer. We have talked about my fear of death, but in context about being afraid of failure. We've talked about how I was never listened to as a child, but not because I was always being looked at as someone else. I have gone over how my parents were well meaning but unable to help me because they were dealing with their own grief after the loss of their child, but not how the loss of their child kept me from finding my identity."
Dr. Robi: What are you hoping people will learn after reading your book?
Rita: As you have read in Shelly's account, the ability to identify as a replacement child can be the key that unlocks crucial answers. My co-author, Dr. Abigail Brenner, and I have collaborated to write a comprehensive book that combines the best of the research along with the psychological and emotional dynamics involved in this phenomenon. Heartfelt personal stories share the emotion that this position elicits.
This book can be used as a tool to bring awareness, guidance and support to those who recognize themselves as replacement children, as well as to their families, friends, teachers, health providers and others who are so much a part of their lives. Our hope is that the combination of awareness and information will help bridge the gap from uncertainty to a new understanding.