"It is mathematically more difficult to become the driver of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile than it is to become President of the United States."
-- USA Today 1994
A hearty hot dog hello to you, Congressman Ryan!
First, as a former Wienermobile driver aka Hotdogger, let me extend my sincere congratulations to you on your recent appointment.
Second, we need to chat. Over the last few days, it has been widely reported that you used to drive the world-famous Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, however, we both know that this is simply not true. You were merely a sales rep for Oscar Mayer, and you sweet-talked your way into driving this legendary hot dog on wheels (via your Oscar Mayer-employed aunt, I might add) for one lap around a parking lot. Now I realize that nepotism has worked for your running mate, but I think it is imperative that you set the record straight immediately for the American people and get the base to trust you asap.
Third, I know what you're going through. The next few months are going to be challenging, exhilarating and unlike anything you'll ever experience in your lifetime. It reminds me of when I first took the wheel of the Wieniebago. Like you, I was partnered with a complete stranger who I would spend the next 345 days crisscrossing the country with while trapped in a 23-foot-long fiberglass hot dog.
But let's skip the filler and get right to the meat of the situation. I think you could have been a franktastic Hotdogger, but since you didn't cut the mustard, here are some lessons I learned that you can apply to your campaign.
Pinch Your Piggy Bank
Frankly, you don't need me to tell you to watch your wallet because your dogged fiscal policy is unrivaled. As a Hotdogger, you would have had to survive on $15/day for meals, but something tells me you would have lobbied for $10.
Stand Firm on Bun Control
You really said it best. "So long as government is not allowed to encroach on our Second Amendment liberties, you maintain the right to bare arms, legs and an insanely chiseled torso. Get your pump on and sell as many tickets as you want to the gun show."
Keep A Current Passpork
It's a shame you weren't an official Hotdogger because you could have driven the Wienermobile to Canada and really beefed up your foreign policy résumé.
Avoid All Pork PR Disasters
Prepare to be grilled by the national media and not just because of your lack of foreign policy experience, lack of private sector experience, or inability to pass more than two laws in a decade. If anyone brings up Mitt's dog debacle, run fast (which I know you can do thanks to your P90X workouts) because you do not want to deal with the wrath of PETA. Trust me.
Wash the Wiener Weekly
I'm sure you've got someone to take care of this for you, but still, it must be such a letdown to tour the states in your own air-conditioned, Wi-Fi-enabled, roomy gas guzzler instead of feeling the throb of a 4.3 liter engine in your cramped, overheated, breakdown-prone original 1988 meat machine.
Hope these Hotdogger tips help. You can frank me later. Best wishes over the next few months and I hope to ketchup with you this fall at that massive event we've all been waiting for. I speak, of course, of the 25-Year Hotdogger Reunion. Oh, and good luck with that other thing.
Follow Robin Gelfenbien on Twitter: www.twitter.com/robingelfenbien