As a writer, I seem to go through phases of not being able to write. Or, I tell myself that I can't write, for one reason or another, and soon hours turn to days and days turn to weeks and suddenly I turn around and realize I haven't written anything in a month. I can't say that it's "writer's block," because I don't truly even know what it means. What I can best relate it to is my relationship with my boyfriend. Most of the time, we have an amazing relationship. It's fun, sexy, funny, intimate, affectionate -- everything I could have asked for and more. But sometimes, we have a weird moment or hour or afternoon and my first reaction is to panic. I assume the worst or fear the worst, which only makes the weird moment last longer or feel more awkward. But usually, in just a small amount of time, I realize that I am actually creating the weird feelings. It usually takes me just a few minutes of self-reflecting and going in to myself that I realize there's something I am feeling, but not sharing with my partner. Sometimes it's something small and sometimes it's something larger that feels scary for me to face, so I try to ignore it and push it down. But I think in any healthy, evolved and conscious relationship, there comes a point where "hiding" any sort of true feeling starts to become obvious, and if not handled quickly, it starts to become a problem. And so when I realize this, I take a deep breath, connect with myself and talk to the man I love. I tell him what's going on or what I am avoiding or what I am afraid to feel or say... and we work through it together. And after talking, I feel better and things feel good again. It's a constant lesson for me to always speak my truth and say what I feel because holding it in only makes me uncomfortable, anxious and pretty miserable to be around.
At this point, I can say that being in a relationship has become easy for me. Not easy in the way that I want to stop trying or I am getting sloppy, but in the sense that being part of a couple/dynamic duo/partnership is becoming the default for me. What used to feel like "alone recharge time" has started to feel like something less familiar and less recharging. I do still like time to myself, because I'm human, but the way I operate and feel most comfortable in is shifting from a solo life I lived by myself to a shared life that I am living alongside someone else. It's something I have heard people talk about for years and until now, I have had no idea what they were talking about. I have always been such an independent person (even isolated at times) that it became my comfort zone. It became my default to want to be alone, brooding in my mood or misery or sometimes just doing nothing, and other times (though seldom), I felt happy. And when it came to writing, that was the place that I would have the most success with writing. If I could "just get" to that deep dark introspective place, all would be well and I would be able to get creative. I was my own muse and I was, to some degree, miserably happy in that dynamic with myself. I can't say I was particularly nice or loving with myself in this place, but it was what I knew and so I stayed.
For almost four months I have been happier than I ever knew was possible. This has been, by far, the most exciting part of my life so far. The only challenge I have had, at times, is writing. And much like when I am feeling disconnected from my boyfriend when I am not being fully honest about something I am feeling, I am finding that I actually have a very similar relationship with myself. I can say that my time alone has become less than it was before, and I have been good and happy with that. And in the few times that I have attempted to go to "deep dark places of isolation" I have not been very successful, because it just isn't something that fits for me anymore. I want to write because it's the way I express myself and allow my creativity to have a voice, but the way I have been channeling it (through pain and misery) is no longer applicable in my life. So after struggling with this for the past few weeks, I have finally come to the realization that there was something I wasn't being honest with myself about. There was something I didn't want to look at or accept or feel because it was too painful or scary or maybe I was just being lazy and didn't want to do the inner work. But much like talking to my boyfriend and then feeling better, I allowed myself to go deep into my feelings and see what was actually going on. And what I found/learned was astonishing! I didn't have writer's block at all, as it turns out. But I was afraid and hiding, which is why I wasn't able to find my voice.
For me, the thing is that I am living the life I always wanted. I have a healthy and happy relationship that I enjoy so much that it's changing the relationship I have with myself. With a degree in spiritual psychology, I have done a lot of the "inner work" to connect with myself, break through limiting beliefs and barriers, and as a coach, to assist others in doing the same. I have learned how to like, love and accept myself, but this is the first time in my life that I can actually feel the depths of that and experience it as something different in my life. The way I am relating to myself is different. It's lighter, more loving, more appreciative, softer and more open and accepting. I find myself not wanting to be isolated or miserable, even if it means I get a deeper, more intense writing piece out of it. So it hasn't been that I haven't been able to write but it has been that the way I have been relating with myself in order to write has changed. And it's in this new realization and dynamic that I am viewing my self-expression and creativity in an entirely new light. I am happy. I am smiling. I can still write deep and meaningful things because that's part of me and part of who I am and how I express myself. But the desire to brood in that place is no longer here. I am realizing that I can connect with and relate to myself in a more positive way and still be able to feel that I've created something meaningful. I don't want to just write about the experiences I want to be having anymore because now I am actually having them. So now I just want to experience life and then share instead of feeling sorry for myself for not having what I want. Because now I do have what I want and it's time to move forward in a new way.
And in the end, this has been another reminder to myself to always just be honest. Whether it's in my relationship or with myself or in my writing. I spent the past two weeks trying to think of a "good article" to write. I started and stopped over a dozen articles before getting frustrated and not writing anything for a while. I wanted to be perfect and create and share the "perfect" thing but when I tried to do that, nothing happened. So I got to the point where I was frustrated enough, dropped the expectations and just got authentic with myself and learned that sure, there is part of me that is afraid to connect with this happy side of myself for fear that it will go away or fear that I will lose sight of it or it won't last. In some ways, it's like if I acknowledge and accept my happiness, then it will go away. And I think I have been afraid of this for years but it's only now that I have somehow found the courage to just get up and do it anyway. So many people seem to focus on the negative parts of life or why things don't or won't work or what could go wrong or what could happen. And I spent so much time in my past doing this. Writing was a way to relieve some of the anxiety of the own personal torture cell I was making for myself. It never dawned on me that I could in a way that both captured the depth of life and emotion but also left it light enough to be humorous and enjoyable. So I am going to try it on for a while, letting myself feel and experience a new perspective in writing. Maybe this won't be the best article and maybe no one will be able to relate to it, but for me it's true and real and in some ways that's all that matters. There is no time to waste being dishonest and it's the honesty with myself -- the true, deep-to-my-bones honesty -- that is going to be the foundation to exploring and creating this new, beautiful part of myself and my life.
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