After seeing a preview of the film Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, based on Lisa See's novel about the practice of female foot-binding in pre-revolutionary China, Arianna Huffington recently wrote a post on her thoughts about women's friendships and the ways that women are willing to deform themselves, literally, for fashion. I want to address both topics here.
In a previous post, I wrote about ways that people can improve their relationships with their bodies. To me, Ms. Huffington's post is on a related topic, and highlights additional ways that people can improve their relationships with their bodies: Be a critical consumer of fashion trends that require you to be uncomfortable when dressed, and ask for support from your friends as you try to become more comfortable with your body -- and encourage them to do so too.
Fashion first
What's in style comes and goes, but what's "in" for women typically has at least one element that's not comfortable, as Ms. Huffington's post points to: footwear. High heels have been around for decades (even longer, actually), and they are neither comfortable nor practical. Wear a pair for more than an hour (if that long) and your feet will start to hurt. Walk around in them -- on stairs, on city streets, on a dance floor -- and your risk of falling increases. So why wear them? In my unscientific, nonrandom sample of women I've asked, the answers range from "I like the way they make me look/walk" to "it's expected." (I didn't bother asking men about high heels since they don't wear them. But it's a safe bet that if men were expected to wear high heels, that type of shoe would have long ago gone out of fashion. Can you see Arnold Schwarzenegger or Christian Bale in a tux and heels? That's a funny image. I laughed out loud when I imagined by husband in heels.)
Yes, it's true that high heels, by virtue of the physics of walking in them, lead women to walk differently than in low-heeled shoes; in fact learning to walk in high heels takes practice -- there are many YouTube videos explaining how to do it, but even experienced models sometimes lose their balance. The walk is "feminine" because it's unlike that of a man (although men would walk that way if they got the knack of wearing heels). To which my reply is "So what?" I like dressing up, but dressing up and looking nice are in a different category from enduring pain or discomfort for beauty's sake or because it's expected and part of the conventions of culture. This seems pretty close to the explanation for why (well off) women in pre-revolutionary China broke, bound, and deformed their feet. This process is described in gory detail in Lisa See's novel Snow Flower and the Secret Fan and I assume will be similarly shown in the film.
From foot fashion, we can go on to other elements of fashion that can be uncomfortable, although perhaps not as physically damaging: panty hose; girdles or their more modern equivalents (which are spiritual descendants of whale-bone corsets in the quest to make a woman's body conform prevailing cultural views of the perfect body); certain kinds of bras, tight fitting clothes of any kind (which make you more conscious of your body when you move and are uncomfortable after eating if not before); heavy pocketbooks (do we really need to carry all that stuff around?).
If your clothes make your body hurt or feel uncomfortable, you're more likely to become annoyed with, or not like, your body. You're certainly going to become more conscious of your body in a way that isn't necessarily positive. If your waist feels uncomfortable because your pants or skirt are a tad too snug, you'll feel as if you're "too fat." (I am aware that for some people, wearing clothes that are snug at the waist helps them regulate their food intake -- they become more aware of when they've had enough. My point is more general.) If you have wide feet and try to fit them in to narrow shoes, then you'll probably dislike your feet and notice them more as they hurt.
With A Little Help From Your Friends
As Ms. Huffington points out, women can serve as wonderful sources of support for each other, sustaining and helping each other grow. I think it would be amazing if women challenged their female friends about some fashion choices. For instance, rather than compliment a friend on her new high-heeled shoes, what if you said, "Those shoes are nice, but I think it will be hard to be comfortable in them. Your feet will hurt and that'll put a damper on things. Why not wear something that looks nice and is comfortable?" or "Your new pocketbook is nice, but it's so big -- it could throw off your balance and hurt your shoulder." See what I mean? And if you decide to wean yourself of damaging fashion trends, let your friends know (and why) and ask for their support.
While we're on the subject of sacrifices for fashion, I've got one more topic to discuss: pockets, or the lack thereof, in women's clothes. Men's clothes have functional pockets, which is why they don't need pocketbooks. (Men might carry briefcases or backpacks for additional items, but their most important items -- wallet, phone, keys -- are likely carried in pockets in their clothes.) Their pants have nice big front pockets, their back pockets may even have buttons so things like a wallet won't fall out, their sportcoats and suit jackets have breast pockets big enough for big wallets, and assorted other pockets. Their coats have pockets.
Women's clothes? I can only wish. Yes, I know that the goal for women's fashion is to make women look sleek and not boxy. But surely there must be a way to design fashionable clothes that look good and have functional pockets somewhere, so we can keep our wallets, keys, and cell phones on our persons without having to wear men's clothes. Then we can have our important stuff with us at all times. Think of the advantages! Less need to guard our pocketbooks. Less rooting around for our cell phones or keys. Less shoulder fatigue. I look forward to those fashion designs.
Robin S. Rosenberg, Ph.D., ABPP is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Stanford, Calif. Rosenberg specializes in treating people with eating disorders, depression and anxiety. She often writes about the psychology of superheroes and has co-authored several psychology textbooks, including "Abnormal Psychology" and "Introducing Psychology: Brain, Person, Group." To find out more about Dr. Rosenberg and her work, read her Psychology Today blog and visit her on Red Room. For Dr. Rosenberg’s brief, easy-to-read guide Improving Your Relationships with Your Body, click here.
http://cuspofenlightenment.blogspot.com/2011/07/fashion-modern-womans-faux-pas.html
And also on the clothes not lasting very long...
Where does the appreciation of clothing come from? One's self...
It really pains me how we women are willing to sacrifice comfort and even our health just to "look good/sexy". And it pains me how society brainwashed us since we're kids to think that "looking good/sexy" is a priority. I'm not saying you need to look like a disaster, but there are many ways of looking beautiful without all that make up on, those tight clothes and those high heels.
And... btw, I don't wear high heels, not tight clothes, no miniskirts... and have never had problems finding dates :)
F&F
You've got to be kidding! If a friend made remarks like that to me I'd think she was an insufferable busybody. A true friend wouldn't impose her ideas of comfort on someone else. If a woman chooses to wear high heels, carry a big purse or wear tight clothes it's because she wants to and she shouldn't have to endure a lecture from a so-called friend. After all, it's her body and her choice. What you're proposing is the flip side of telling someone "I know you like those sneakers because they're comfortable, but they make you look dowdy. A nice pair of heels would be so much more stylish".
Personally, I love the way they look, but I also ask myself what the woman is trying to accomplish? Let's face it, they only serve 2 purposes, to make the woman look taller (vanity) or to make her look sexy (vanity).
When someone is willing to endure discomfort for the benefit of looks, what does that say about them?
Why on earth would I criticize my friends for their choices? How is that empowering exactly? Now, maybe if I was shopping with them and they asked for my opinion on the matter, certainly I'd provide it. But, picking on their purse or shoes is not going to enlighten them-it's just going to piss them off.
I do, however, agree regarding pockets. I am delighted by the influx of skirts and dresses with pockets in stores lately.
It's especially not empowering to assume the same things feel comfortable for all shapes and sizes!
Where I live, there are no standard clothes sizes and haven't been for decades. You try one a size across a range of stores and will find that the sizing differs in ways that can only drain the self esteem that you've started the day with.
I'd like to say that I can consciously acknowledge a body area I'm content with, when out shopping for clothes, but I'm unable to. There is no part that I find enjoyable (in terms of shopping). Shopping for dresses is annoying. Underwear, brassieres especially, is a nightmare (there is no real comfortable underwear). Life is all about 'squeezing' into the right thing, irrespective of whether or not I add or lose pounds. Even when women do lose weight, they have to find the right fit, and most trends focus on the stick insect waistless body type (low rise jeans, in my mind, define misogyny). The way the clothing industry is, especially with manufacturers outsourced to Asia (whose standards don't even conform to European standards), it's impossible for women (especially women from cultures that are not biologically/physically small) to be content.
I keep saying over and over, there is no evil or misogynist style of clothing. Women's bodies have so many more variables than men's, that no matter what shape is the standard great numbers of women will be discontented.
I MISS THE HELL OUT OF DRESSING UP. Wearing my sexy, beautiful clothes and heels made me so happy. The discomfort of pantyhose or a form-fitting outfit has never once made me feel negatively about my body.
Try wearing the equivalent of pajamas day in and day out, even in a professional environment, and see what it does to your self-esteem. I bet the author of this article would be singing a different tune if she were in my shoes.
I also am annoyed with people who design women's clothes in general. I have broad shoulders and big boobs. But I am not big enough all the way around to wear a lot of plus sizes, too big in the wrong areas to wear those smaller shirts.
I have a long hip to waist ratio too. A lot of pants are too short in that area and do not fit my long frame.
So what this means? I wear a lot of mens clothes with flip flops if I wear shoes at all. I wish I were thinner and I am working on that. But my proportions--the actual way that my frame is, isn't going to change that much even with the extra weight gone. I will still have broad shoulders. I will still have large breasts, I will still have long arms, long waist, and wide feet and large wrists and ankles.
I like my body, I am not impressed with what passes for fashion, nor with the quality of clothing made available to women.
I guess I am ahead of my time.
Many years ago....I decided if something was tight, uncomfortable, or (horrors) hurt, I was NOT going to wear it.
That was over 40 years ago and I NEVER regretted my choice.
BTW....I also lament the lack of pockets and try to buy shorts and pants with pockets to put my stuff in.
I rarely use a pocketbook.
For (shopping) outings I often use a small "wallet" with a string around my neck.