Hello. My name is Roger Smith, and I am running for president.
You ever swallow the worm at the bottom of a bottle of Tequila? Recommend. Now I'll be honest, I can't quite remember the next four days, but I must've been watching a lot of Hannity, because when I finally came to I noticed I had acquired a keen dislike of both the New York Times and Rachel Maddow.
But what I mostly recall from that beautifully disorienting mescaline haze was a bunch of clowns yammering about how they'd make the best president. And one of them -- I think it was the white guy -- said that we had too much poverty in America. And I'm all, what? Here? But I have an iPhone! Then I remembered this less-than-pleasant-smelling fellow down by the Rite Aid who's always asking me for money. And it occurred to me. This guy probably has to pretend his banana is a phone. If he even has a banana. Which he doesn't. And if he does, he certainly shouldn't be asking me for money!
Anyway, these candidates droned on and on about their solutions to our sinking economy. Something about taxes giving AIDS to job creators or something. Not sure. At this point I was in the can peeing for five minutes. Straight. But as I was standing there, with Little Roger in my hand, I had a stroke... of brilliance. And the answer just exploded out of me!
Okay, ready for my idea? Here goes. So you know how the other candidates keep saying that the root of our economic woes is illegal immigration? "It's the Mexicans!" they say at a volume that is not kind to my buzz. "Send them home and el problemo es solved-o!" Well, the real problem isn't any one disadvantaged group. It's all of them put together. Together, they make up America's poor. And there are just too many poor people in America.
So let's deport them.
That's right. Deport the poor. Look how many problems it solves! Wanna fix unemployment? Deport the poor. Not enough to eat for everyone? Deport the poor. Wanna solve Medicaid? Deport the poor. You say our budget can't handle food stamps, home heating subsidies, or school lunches? Deport, deport, deport!
Now, you're probably concerned about where we're gonna send all these fine downtrodden folks. But don't worry. This is America, the land of the free. And they're free to self-deport to wherever they want.
Look, this is the bold plan we need. I recently heard one of the candidates say that he doesn't care about the very poor. Well, anyone can not care about the very poor. But who's got the courage to put them on a raft?
This. Can. Work.
I'm. Pretty. Sure.
But I'll need your help. To identify and appropriately tag anyone earning less than $22,350 per year. It's time we start protecting the REAL minority in this country: The one percent. Together we can make America rich again. ONLY rich.
Be sure to check back here regularly, and don't be afraid to touch my Twitter. Thank you for your time.
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