Sex Toys for Tweens

Recent studies have revealed that women who use vibrators are healthier -- and sexually happier -- than women who don't. Finally, the stigma of the sinful sex toy is fading and women can hold their Rabbits and Pocket Rockets proud. So if good vibrations are good and good for us sexually evolved women, are they good for our daughters too?

This question came up recently on my website, truuconfessions -- when a mom shared the following:

My tween daughter and I got into one of our sex/sexuality discussions today and she brought up that a friend's mother had gotten the friend her first vibrator. DD (dear daughter) says "isn't masturbating safer then having sex?"

Don't know how to handle this one ladies!!!! While I have no problems with masturbation( go for it!) I think 12 is a little young to buy them vibrators. Input please!!!

Like this mom, I've had a pretty open and ongoing dialogue with my two girls about sex. We've covered the nuts and bolts basics and just last week I blushed my way through masturbation (clean hands, privacy is good), oral sex (this is not casual!) and the mechanics of bi-sexuality and two men "hooking up." (thankfully my daughter got it before I had to explain). But sex toys? This was a new one for me so I asked our online community to chime in along with sexperts, experts and friends.

Needless to say, the topic struck a nerve and provoked a lively and at a times contentious debate. Many moms were as stumped as the confessor, fessing up to having NO idea what to do in this situation. But the majority of moms came out swinging on both sides. Some were encouraging but cautious:

"It's great she's exploring her sexuality, but maybe she should start with her hands first"

Some believed this was clearly a sign of an over-involved indulgent parenting style:

"Do we have to do everything for our kids? Get out of the helicopter and let your daughter explore her sexuality on her own!

And some were clearly in the abstinence-only camp:

That's sick to me. I think it' (buying a vibrator) s more encouraging her daughter to have sex than anything else. I mean, how many people who experiment with sex toys are virgins? It won't be long now for that 12 year old. . .

In a controversial Oprah segment last April, sexpert,Dr. Laura Berman countered this vibrator-leads-to-promiscuity issue head on, claiming quite the contrary. The good doctor not only encouraged parents to talk to their kids early, she gave vibrators for teens a ringing endorsement, extolling the dual benefits of helping a girl learn her way around her own body and acting as a possible deterrent from early (or inappropriate) sexual activity. And to ensure that this episode was not just good TV, but really good TV, Dr. Berman encouraged moms to help their daughters along in this department, even joining them for a shopping outing to a sex shop.

Susie Bright, mother, author and sex advice columnist/expert weighed in here but didn't jump on the Berman-buy-it-bandwagon. Instead she focused on other positive aspects of the confession that an untrained eye might have missed - the fact that the young girl had asked her mother about a FRIEND'S sexual situation and that she believed this was the IDEAL way to talk about sex. She also added that she didn't know anyone who had bought their own kid a vibrator (nope - never heard of it), but did recommend keeping good sex ed books around the house and encouraged talk about sex in popular culture and politics (the headlines certainly make this easy to do these days!)

Dr. Karen Rayne (along with this post in Boinkology) shed some interesting light on this topic as well and addressed the age question. First of all, she reminded us why a mom, her daughter and a vibrator became the provocative and polarizing conversation it did:

"...our society does not just dislike teenagers having sex because it may produce babies or spread disease - they dislike teenagers, particularly girls, having sex because it acknowledges the the teenager as a sexual being. And follow that train of thought to this point: Teenage girls masturbating acknowledges them as sexual beings too. Maybe even more than just sex - because that might have been at the prompting of a boy. Masturbation is purely about the young woman's own sexual desires, which we're scared shirtless about.

As to when a young woman should receive her first vibrator?

Well, the problem with going too young is that it might just scare her off masturbation entirely. In general, I would probably suggest when she turns sixteen. However, with the caveat that some girls will put them to good use younger. Girls who are particularly vocal or active about their sexuality could probably use one much younger.

The jury's still out on whether kids should have sex toys and who, if anybody should be buying them. The overwhelming consensus on the confessional seemed to be "NO VIBRATORS for 12 olds" (unless you have an extreme case) but most women agreed that discussing and encouraging masturbation (no matter how embarrassing and awkward) seemed like a good idea - a very good one at that.

Most importantly, the fact that this conversation came up and involved one of the pleasurable aspects of sex (even if questioning it) makes me hopeful that our attitude toward sex ed (and the programs themselves) might be undergoing a change and as this article notes, "growing up." Sex Ed should be about more than all the things that can go wrong and absolutely include the things that can go right. Teenage pregnancy and STDs have their place in "the talk" (and let's admit it - are much easier to discuss!) but so do choice, responsibility and last but not least pleasure and desire.

I doubt we'll be adding "vibrators" to our mother-daughter shopping trips anytime soon, if ever. But as awkward as it's going to be - I'm determined to step up my sex talk game so my daughter doesn't have to wait for a new study to come out telling her that sexually educated and active women are healthy and happy. She'll know this first hand.

join the conversation or share your confessions here...

 

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Comments

[writerforhire]

I'm conservative and after reading this article you can call me an ultra right wing conservative.

Besides being rendered almost speechless at the lack of discretion and taste of the author she has apparently ignored the current trend among teens and ′tweens of the purity ring, made wildly popular due to the global phenomenon of teen sensations the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus, and apparently chose to endorse what the majority of states would consider criminal.

To endorse sexually activity at twelve borders on criminal and could be considered an endorsement of pedophilia and the purchase of a “object" used for sexual activity could be considered endangering the welfare of a minor.

Now you can really call me an ultra-right wing fanatic conservative.

[Malkin72]

Why is it that the women who love to describe how men "treat women like objects" or "men only think of women as sex objects....

Why are these women actually the ones most likely to have sex with ACTUAL OBJECTS?

If there were a sex toy that men could enjoy as much as women enjoy vibrators, men would face endless questions about why they are selfishly having sex with a piece of plastic and ignoring their wife and the love and INTIMACY of the relationship...

If a 12 year old wants a vibrator, let her order one off the internet....

Parents should be accepting, but that doesn't mean you have to facilitate everything. If she had a son, would she roll his condoms on for him???

[jennysez]

I see nothing wrong with it as long as the girl was the one to initiate the whole "lets buy a vibrator" conversation. It means that she is ready to talk, and amazingly, she talked to her mother about it instead of some older girl in the school bathroom. It means that their relationship is honest and the parent is less likely to find out her daughter's having sex by finding out she's pregnant first.

And I agree that it would be better in the long run for a teen age girl to learn about her body and what pleasures it before she starts fumbling around in the backseat, it'll save her a lot of let downs sexually, if she can say to her Romeo, "No, I like it like this.."

And sure, she could make do with just her hand, but that's like saying, "Why do you need an iPod, 8 tracks are perfectly good" People like gadgets, women like cute gadgets, and nothing's cuter than a pink and purple vibrator in the shape of a dolphin.

[PhilipB]

Well, i am not so sure.
It is good to also have some innocence (I do not mean ignorance).

[VentiMocha09]

My daughter is 12 and I think NOT! I can't imagine.

[BeFairNow]

I don't know guys, I think it depends on the child. Some girls hit puberty at 9, some at 12 and some late bloomers around 15-16. Everyone becomes sexually aware in their own time. My siblings and I had a very open relationship with our parents and talked about relationships, masturbation, sex, love, romance, marriage, etc. around the dinner table. Some conversations I had in private with my mother, some with my father. I appreciated their honesty and discretion. I felt sexually aware at a young age (before 12) but was not ready for sex so I masturbated and when I was old enough to get it myself, I bought my first sex toy (which took things to a whole new level of fun). I had sex for the first time in a stable, loving relationship. I honestly believe that not being made to feel guilty about masturbation or getting myself a sex toy contributed to me waiting until I was old enough and in the right circumstance to have sex because I had an outlet for my sexual feelings and desires. I intend to follow my parents example with my own children.

[sunnybunny]

Good idea, but real wierd.

[PoliticalJunkie65]

I think of myself as a progressive woman but this story freaks me out. Vibrators at 12? Ugh.

[marinara]

Finally an issue more radioactive than gay marriage!