Today many of us are dealing with devastating losses in our lives, from natural disasters such as the earthquake and tsunami in Japan to losing our homes, jobs and relationships. After the initial shock of any type of trauma, there are, of course, the various stages of grief that everyone goes through, including denial, rationalization, anger and acceptance. For those who are on this journey, it is important to have faith in yourself and the inner compass that guides you. If you do this, you'll understand that opportunities for growth and happiness lie in the most unexpected places, ready to be seized if you're open to recognizing and embracing them. I don't believe we ever get over a significant loss, but we do learn to move through it, live with it, and perhaps even use it creatively to find our life's purpose and harvest its lessons.
Mark and Selena, a couple I treated a few years ago, are a remarkable example of how you man deal with a devastating loss and transform your life. They came to me shortly after their two young children had been killed in a car crash when they were with their teenage babysitter, who somehow survived. Mark and Selena were overwhelmed with guilt, anger, and feelings of loss. They could barely function and couldn't begin to imagine how they could go on without their children, or why they would want to. I discussed various treatment options, and we agreed upon a method outlined in my book, "Wise Mind, Open Mind," that combines a mindfulness practice with positive psychology and creative thinking to help one let go of the past, tune in to the present, find his or her core creativity and finally move forward with the future. While we were working with the tuning in stage, I was concerned that due to the depth of their sadness, it could take several years before they would be ready to move out of their grief and begin to envision a new life.
I decided to meditate on their situation, and what came to me was the visual image of the subcontinent of India. "That's curious," I thought, but decided to sit with it, and soon, as if a voice had spoken to me, I had an inner knowing that I needed to suggest to Mark and Selena, who had conveyed an openness to the idea of traveling, to take some time off from their jobs and travel to the city of Varanasi in India. Varanasi is known as a holy place where the dying go to prepare for death and where bodies are prepared for the traditional cremation and return to the sacred Ganges River.
My logical, rational mind said, "Ron, that's crazy. Why would you send two grieving and suffering parents who have no spiritual connection to India, and who are Lutherans from the Midwest, to Varanasi, where they know no one and would see death and suffering all around them?"
I discussed it with several of my colleagues, who agreed it was a terrible idea, but every morning when I meditated and connected to my intuition, it kept telling me the same thing. Finally, one of my old teachers and mentors, Ram Dass, told me, "I think you may be on to something. They need to immerse themselves in their grief instead of denying it. Where better to do that than India?" When I mentioned it to Mark and Selena, they weren't sure how they would benefit from a trip to Varanasi, but they meditated on it and told me that taking the trip felt "right" to them.
In India, Mark and Selena connected with their grief as they observed the dead and dying, but at the same time, they started to feel a sense of connection to other people and to a world in which suffering is inevitable. While there, they spent time working with a committed humanitarian in her facility for the poor. She did not try to explain to Mark and Selena how they might handle their loss but instead invited them to join her in her everyday work of attending to the sick and dying.
When they returned to the States, Mark and Selena told me that they had finally begun to heal. The deep compassion that had been awakened in them had eased their grief, and they felt that they'd transformed from suffering parents who had lost their children to people who reached out to other suffering parents. They said they no longer felt quite so alone.
Over the next few months, Mark and Selena continued their mindfulness meditation practice and began to move forward with their lives. Selena, who loved music, returned to school to earn a master's degree and began working with children as a music therapist. Mark went back to his work as an electrician, but he now approached it in a very different way. When he consulted with clients, he suggested bold changes that they hadn't considered and had more patience and compassion with them. In time, Mark and Selena adopted two special-needs children and had another child of their own. They continued to talk about their children who died and kept photographs of them in their home, but they were able to creatively transform their tragedy into a new life with meaning and purpose.
For those of us who are unable to take such radical steps, here are six strategies from my book, "Wise Mind, Open Mind," to help you mindfully recover from a loss:
Many of us admire people like Al Gore, who found his road to the White House suddenly blocked and chose to focus on educating people about global warming, and Christopher Reeve, who left acting behind after becoming a quadriplegic and went on to become a film director and advocate for those suffering from spinal cord injuries because they were able to let go of the past and transform their lives. You, too, have the ability to tap into your inner courage, move forward with your life and even reinvent yourself.
Follow Ronald Alexander, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ronalexanderphd
Eliezer Sobel: Losing the Ego: A Conversation with Ram Dass
Jennifer Peck: Children Who Lose Out on Summer Learning, Lose Out
Rabbi Laura Geller: Acts of God? A Jewish Perspective on Natural Disasters
Mike Robbins: There Is Good News... If You Look For It
It was a warm, fuzzy feeling and I await feeling it when we are reunited.
A - adversity (or activating event) causes
B - Beliefs that can be functional, healthy, or dysfunctional and self-destructive
C - Consequences, the emotional disturbances from dysfunctional beliefs.
Mindfulness can put you touch with those emotional beliefs, gives you a space to examine them. In REBT you then D - dispute, refute, challenge and question them, distinguish them from healthy constructs, and subscribe to more constructive and self-helping constructs. Repetitive challenging them causes them to fade away and be replaced by healthier ideas.
This is a terrific example of how our energy and it's interaction with the energies of others is the essence of life. From the beloved children, to the loss, to the reconnection and even to Ron's caring and identifying a solution through an exceptional connection, it's all energy at work, and love may be the strongest form.
The doubters out there could benefit from being a little more open to learning and growth.
Joseph Nowinski New Ways of Dealing with Grief - http://tinyurl.com/6xoyg4p
Mark Goulston Dealing with Trauma - http://tinyurl.com/6gbdgvv
The trouble with loss/trauma/grief is that it is so unique to each of us. The most important thing is not to be shocked by the fact that you will "see" a different side to you that you have never seen before. The hardest thing (for me at least) was the unknown characteristics that I seemed to now project. I was not as driven as I used to be, I was not as confident, I was not sure....and there were more but they all added up to the "new" me needing to be introduced to me. I needed to understand such is the deep penetrating effect of loss/trauma/grief that it had changed me. This realisation was my step.........
Craig Ing
www.craiging.com
www.blog.craiging.com
i am sorry about your beautiful daughter.
i agree about just letting all the emotions ..flow.
my sister was killed by a drunk driver at her graduation party...
(she and a friend took a walk...after she had a fight w/her boyfriend.)
her boyfriend ended up.commitiing suicide the next day.
My parents were never the same....my mother told me : she did not want to be the same.
i understand your pain......as hard as it is to understand......
Time does help.
peace and love to you. sophie.