Yawn. Are the Oscars this week?
I don't hate the Oscars. The word hate evokes a passion that I just can't seem to muster -- I'm just bored. I'm ambivalent about winners and losers, and supersaturated by all the hype. I'm also feeling a little wierd that I'm an empty nester with a movie theatre in walking distance from my home -- and I have only seen about half the nominated films for Best Picture.
No doubt I will tune in for the pre-game show, with a big bowl of truffle-salted popcorn (yeah, even I know it's a night to go "all out") to see who is wearing whom on the red carpet. I'll try to figure out exactly where I have seen that actress before, because like 50 million other Americans, I think I suffer from a mild case of Prosopagnosia (informally, face blindness), which makes Oscar night a bit of a challenge.
But face blindness or not, I know I will not be alone when I nap on the couch during the two plus hours in the middle of the ceremony where they give away awards for sound editing and mixing. Wake me up when it's over, honey, or better yet -- wake me up a half hour before it's over. If I miss the few hours in between, it's okay.
Nothing -- not your son's little league game, not your niece's high school play, not the opera, not even a Red Sox game -- and certainly not the Academy Awards -- should be longer than an hour and a half. After an hour and a half of anything, I am either ready to bang my head against the wall, or I am asleep.
Whatever I miss, if it was at all memorable, I can see it on YouTube in the morning. "Did you see when...?" Of course I saw "when!" There is no reason to miss anything. (I worked this flawlessly for the Grammys.)
If I can stay awake, I prefer to multi-task. Here is my plan: a. watch the pre-game; b. rent one of the films I wish I had seen, like "The Sessions" or "Flight" or "Argo"; c. view the movie in its entirety; d. tune back to the awards ceremony to see how the actors in my rental fared.
I have never, ever, been invited to an Oscar party ("like" this post if you are not surprised). Yeah? Well, I hate dress up anyway. Truth be told, I don't really love the Super Bowl either, but at least I'm invited to a party where the food is always fantastic, and I can wear jeans and a sweater and talk with girlfriends in the kitchen while the game is going on.
I don't approve of how they changed the wording from -- "the winner is...." to -- "the academy award goes to..." Who are they kidding?
Year after year, same old, same old, awards categories. How about: "Best actor in the worst friggin' movie" or "Movie where the most things blow up?" That second category is for my husband, so he will know what to go see.
The actresses make me want to don a double layer of Spanx under my pajamies.
They need better and longer multi-camera coverage on the losers. Sure, it's a classic case of Schadenfreude, but there is nothing like watching someone lose an award in front of millions of people and try to act gracious about it.
I have seen none of the documentaries, and I have not even heard of any of the short films. Thus, I am a loser.
As David Edelstein noted in his article, "Why I Hate the Oscars," if the Academy had laws against doping, most of the profession would be disqualified -- unless, of course, they got a note from their doctor -- which they would, of course, because who can live with the anxiety of awards?
So, I'll tune in on Thursday night dressed in my pajamies and my big bowl of popcorn. It is Thursday night, right?