School Bullying: Empowering Bystanders

Recently I've taken a hard look at the advice we give to kids who are being bullied and challenged all of us who work on this issue to do better. Now I want to question the common advice we give bystanders. This is critical for two reasons; we rarely admit the complex role bystanders play in bullying and I've never seen us publicly acknowledge that often the reason bystanders don't come forward is because they don't have confidence in the adults to do what's right.

Being a bystander:

It's not like any of us look forward to the opportunity of confronting a bully, as we saw in the recent Dateline special. Ironically, it can often be harder to confront a bully we're close to than someone we don't know or don't like. And no matter how you feel about the bully or the target, it can be easy to stay silent because you don't want the abuse directed at you.

But here are three inescapable facts:

• Almost all of us will be in a situation at some point of our lives where we see someone bully someone else.
• Bystanders often decide to get involved based on their feelings toward the bully and/or the target. If you like the bully then you are more likely to excuse the behavior. If you think the target is annoying, then you'll more easily believe the target was asking for it. But a bystander's decision to get involved should be based on the merits of the problem, not on their relationship to the people.
• In that moment, we will have three choices. 1. Reinforce the abuse of power by supporting the bully; 2. Stay neutral -- which looks like you're either intimidated by the bully yourself or you support their actions; 3. Act in some way that confronts the bully's abuse of power.

In the face of seeing someone bullied, here are some common reactions:

• Deny it's going on.
• Distract yourself so it looks like you don't know what's going on. And if you don't know then you have no obligation to do stop it.
• Remove yourself from the situation.
• Laugh to try to convince yourself that what's going on isn't serious.
• Join in the bullying, because it's safer to be on the side of the person with the most power.
• Ignore it in the hope that it will go away.

What do you do if you are a bystander?

Even if you aren't proud of how you handled the bullying when it occurred, it's important to recognize how hard it is to know what to do in the moment. But that fact doesn't mean it's too late now to speak out. Especially if you are friends with the bully, reaching out to them is actually the ultimate sign of your friendship.

Supporting someone who's been bullied.

Say, "I'm sorry that happened to you, do you want to tell me about it?"

Don't tell them what they should have done or what you would have done. Listen and help them think through how to address the problem effectively. And if they ask you to back them up the next time it happens, ask them what that looks like to them. If it means upholding their right to be treated with dignity and not getting revenge on the bully, then do it.

Supporting someone who is being the bully.

In your own words say something like, "This is uncomfortable to talk about but yesterday when you sent that picture of Dave you know that really embarrassed him. And I know I laughed and I know he can be annoying but it's still wrong. If you do it again I'm not going to back you up."

Yes the bully is going to push back, make you uncomfortable, try to get you on their side but remember what happened and why you feel like the bully's actions were wrong.

Why are bystanders so reluctant to come forward?

Let's move away from the bystanders and focus on the adults. The prevailing explanation of why kids won't come forward is because there's a code of silence that forbids them. No one wants to be a snitch. While there's some truth in that -- I think just as powerful a reason for kids' silence is because the adults haven't created an environment where kids think reporting will make the problem better instead of worse. Yet, the most common advice we give to bystanders is to is tell an adult. Like it or not, the truth is it's not good enough to tell kids to tell an adult.

Telling an adult won't magically solve the problem. What far too many kids know and experience on a daily basis but we deny is that far too many adults are ill-equipped to respond effectively and often only cause the child to give up on adults entirely. Furthermore, the very way a lot of adults treat young people -- in a condescending or dominant (i.e. "bullying") manner -- makes it impossible for children to have any confidence in our ability to be effective advocates.

While there are many effective counselors, even the suggestion to "talk to your counselor" may not be realistic. The child may have no idea who the counselor is -- let alone a strong enough relationship with them to take this leap of faith. Recent budget cuts have led many school districts to cut back on their counselors or eliminate them completely. And it has always been the case that kids tend to form strong relationships with their teachers and coaches. It's these people who bystanders will more likely tell what's going on. Especially for a bystander that could easily think that since the bullying isn't technically happening to them, reporting to a counselor is too extreme.

That's why teachers need to know what to do. Instead of, "That person just needs to get a tougher skin", "It can't be that bad, can it?" they need to respond with "I'm really sorry this is happening. Thanks for telling me. I know it can be hard to come forward about things like this and I really respect the fact that you did. Let's think about what we can do about it."

Let's be clear: beyond the peer pressure not to snitch and adolescent cynicism, adults matter. If our kids see us treat people with dignity, if we are outspoken about our respect for people who come forward, if we are honest with how scary reporting can be but assure them that we will be with them throughout the process, I guarantee our kids will find the courage to speak out.

 

Follow Rosalind Wiseman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/rosalindwiseman

Comments

[Debbie Scaduto]

10:51 PM on 04/06/2011

Boston’s Michael and Marisa Take on Bullying with their new song & video,”The Same” Kids Can Help Kids. http://www.opednews.com/articles/Boston-s-Michael-and-Maris-by-Patricia-Duffey-110202-336.html
They hope their song reaches bullies and those unfairly being bullied…”If our song causes even one bystander to take a stand, that one action could be the start of a chain of events that could help to stop bullying
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbxszWevx_4&hd=1

[RockyMissouri]

02:04 PM on 04/05/2011

I could never have gotten away with this, because a teacher would have called me on it.! A teachers' voice was next to gods' voice in my world.! For bullying to occur is WRONG, but allowing
it to continue is worse..

[BassguyGG]

03:41 PM on 03/28/2011

If the school community at large made it be known that bullying was not going to be tolerated, it would stop. An environment like that protects everyone - enablers allow bullying to happen for fear they may be the next victim. There must be fair arbitration of disputes and sanctioning for offenders. Empowering bystanders makes school safe for all.

[RockyMissouri]

02:06 PM on 04/05/2011

You are so right...!

[Andrea Doria]

02:58 PM on 03/28/2011

Interesting article. Being a victim of bullying myself - I always thought the bystanders were worse than the bullies. The bully is doing their dirty work for them... believe me.

[RockyMissouri]

02:07 PM on 04/05/2011

Yes.....!

[methodman]

07:32 PM on 03/26/2011

I think people have to not worry about others if you are getting bullied can't you just block the call. As far as bullying it's what America is LOOK AT THE GOP AND THE BAGGERS!!!!. Seriously we are supposed to look the other way. ITS GOOD FOR AMERICA TO SEE ITS ADULT POPULATION FOR WHAT THEY ARE. The whole 2 year election cycle is BULLYING. Kids need to learn how to get certain people blocked from their phones. Problem solving is one of the most important skills. Also not everyone needs to like everyone else.

[daughterusmc]

04:06 PM on 03/26/2011

I do not advocate ignoring bullying...but I can tell you that while I am sure it goes on, I am not aware of it. I am busy teaching, getting ready to teach, grading that which I have taught, and managing my own life and family. I do not mean to sound unkind..but wading into the abyss of teenaged social cruelty is just not on my agenda. I am a foreign language teacher, not a psychologist or counselor...please stop asking me to assume roles for which I am unprepared and frankly, uninterested. Not only am I unsuited to do them, it is yet another distraction from my primary role: language instructor. I would and do stop nastiness that takes place in front of me...because it is disruptive and unpleasant, but I have no idea what goes on beyond my presence, nor am I particulary eager to know. Likewise, I am sure the youth use drugs and have sex, but unless it happens in front of me ( dear god, save me from that)...it is simply none of my business. Stop wanting teachers to do every job that come down the pike, and then be all surprised that instruction suffers and that they end up performing none of these myraiad of tasks well. You raise your children, I will teach them French...that's it.
I do not ask my gynocologist to help me write a will

[Shaun Hensley]

06:16 AM on 03/27/2011

We need fewer teachers with your attitude. Bullying ruins the future of many kids every year.

[daughterusmc]

01:23 PM on 03/27/2011

fine, get rid of me... but that will not resolve the problem, because I am not bullying anyone, and no, I am not terribly interested in being lectured about the social ill du jour....I am sick to death of teachers being asked to solve every single problem that faces society...why is not enough that a teacher be an engaged, enthusiastic, knowledgable instructor? why must she now be an interventionist, counselor, and mediator as well?

[RockyMissouri]

02:20 PM on 04/05/2011

You probably need to quit... You are doing a disservice to your self and your students, they already know this about you... that they can get away with stuff. A good teacher, is a natural thing....someone who is always teaching, wherever they are....and who call it bs, when they see it.!

[maab76]

03:05 PM on 04/05/2011

A good teacher models the desired behavior. He/she demonstrates fairness, rewardsd honesty and courtesy, provides opportunities to voice opinions but requires facts to back them up. A good teacher also apologizes and acknowledges mistakes to students. It creates a healthy classroom regardless of the subject.

[BurgessCT]

06:28 AM on 03/26/2011

Good call out re the bystander. Far too often the victim and the bully are viewed as the only participants in a bullying episode - the non-engaged bystander is the third part of the bully equation. In 2010 we lost 34 children to suicide as a direct result of bullying (see my piece: http://www.burgessct.com/2011/02/bullying-rip/) how many of these could have been prevented had the bystanders involved themselves?
Thanks for writing this piece.
All the best,
Christopher
@burgessct

[Mountain Momma]

11:34 PM on 03/25/2011

Rosalind, I wish you would do more to convince teachers and administrators that they MUST get involved in ending the emotional bullying that girls do. How many years many years since your book became the basis for "Mean Girls" and they still don't get it? My daughter went through a living nightmare at the hands of other girls and the teachers' reactions were, "that's just how girls are" and the principal's reaction was to always bring my daughter and the three or four girls targeting her all into his office where he'd say, "Did you do such-and-such?" they'd all respond wide-eyed, "Nooooo, we'd never do that!" he'd send them out, then ask my daughter why she'd tell such lies. Didn't matter if another child independently told him what happened to my daughter. Finally, he said we needed proof. PROOF? How do you prove the insults in the hallway, bathroom, lunchroom, playground - all the places adults aren't? My daughter ended up requiring therapy; the psychologist said she was showing signs of PTSD from the extended bullying and our entire family needed counseling because the slightest thing would send her into meltdown. The bullies got all the protection (because their parents were just as bad - they were definitely from your other book!); we had to pull my daughter from school.

How many kids have to die before administrators learn to protect the ones who need protecting?

[sydneymoon]

09:29 AM on 03/26/2011

I am heartbroken reading this post.

[RockyMissouri]

03:39 PM on 04/05/2011

I am so very sorry....

[iLdoRight]

10:57 PM on 03/25/2011

Perhaps having some business cards printed up that say something like, "IF ONE SHOULD NOT EVEN CURSE THE DEAF" Leviticus 19:14, "WHY ANYONE ELSE WHO DOES NOT DESERVE IT ?"

[countrycontemplative]

06:14 PM on 03/25/2011

Violence is not the answer to bullying and neither are stronger prohibitions alone. The answer is acceptance and a nationwide call to acceptance. Those who demonize people for any of a million different reasons say with their acceptance of such behavior that it is okay to bully. We are a violent society with a long history of indifference and intolerance to the weak or different. When America really grows up and accepts all of its citizens regardless of race, creed, color, gender, sexual orientation we will then turn the corner. As long as its okay to hate "the other" then it will be okay to bully.

[Epilef2000]

05:32 PM on 03/25/2011

The problem is that most kids enjoy seeing bullying. People love posting videos of kids being bullied, beat-up, and those who would want to stop the bullying are scare themselves. Kids are horrible--when they are young...whether is the overweight kid, the one who can't afford Abercrombie (or whatever is fashionable for kids)...etc

[PalaceOfWisdom]

05:26 PM on 03/25/2011

The combination of indifference and preposterous advice from adults (ignore them and they'll stop) made me feel just as abused by them as from the actual bully. I eventually boiled over, fought back, and put a stop to it, but to this day my image of humanity has not recovered. It's easy to SAY something is wrong, but almost no one in authority takes the problem seriously, which is akin to saying the victims don't deserve any better than what they face every day.

The overwhelming feeling that no one cares is more damaging than anything else.

[single malt]

05:22 PM on 03/25/2011

I was in grade 9 which was called junior high for us. I will call him Vance and he always use to bully me. Finally because I was a little nuts I said lets go after school. Vance, myself and a few other kids went behind the hockey rink. I still remember him coming up, smiling, going to push me and then I fed him 3 punches to the face, he bent over and my foot broke his nose. I still smile when I think about that because Vance was built and I was skinny. Nothing better in this life than knocking the bully out. Today Vance's friends would have guns and I would get shot.

[hanoum]

05:22 PM on 03/25/2011

I was quite the wall flower in junior highschool, didn't stand out in anyway. One day the school bully (taller/larger than most) was after a new kid and something just snapped in me. I stood up on a stack of book between them and was literally in the bully's face saying things (I don't know where they came from). The look of shock on his face was priceless and he backed down, as, it seems most bullys will.

[Mad Jack]

05:17 PM on 03/25/2011

I attended schools with large class sizes and by the time I was in 6th grade many of my fellow male students were already reaching their adult height and weight. And some of them also developed quite aggressive tendencies. My parents forbade me to fight, giving me to understand I'd get a second whopping if I engaged in any fights of my own. By 9th grade I was being bullied by a couple of missing links; these guys' parents weren't the type to exercise any guidance or restraint and their bullying was generally unobserved by adults, teachers or parents. Finally, after getting a couple of pretty noticeable shiners my dad told me to fight back and I did so with surprising results; their bullying stopped and other potential bullies ignored me to prey on others less inclinded towards self-defense. I suspect most pundits condemning fighting back were never physically bullied themselves. Fighting back isn't without risks; the victim can be punished just like the perpetrator, and the victim can also take a more fierce licking. But I submit it's more satisfying to go down fighting, than to just meekly take a pounding. It's been my experience that most bullies have themselves been bullied, or mistreated; likely by parents or older siblings, hince their desire to victimize others. But victims can't rely on others coming to their defense. And reporting bullying can certainly lead to retaliation. Bullies seem especially adept at finding the most opportune times to practice their hobby.