I remember being at the radio station doing my morning show when my cohost asked me about my divorce. On air. I wanted to kill him because he knew that it was a touchy subject for me and I was still holding onto the embarrassment, the failure that comes with it. I answered his questions apprehensively while my armpits began to sweat profusely!
That feels like forever ago because I can now discuss it freely without the shame I once had. When I decided to do the show, "Connected," I had to put it all out there, without holding back, and I certainly did that. When I appear in my first episode, the description of me reads: Rosie Noesi, TV and radio personality, 33, divorced BAM and living with boyfriend BAM!!
Most girls grow up dreaming of their perfect wedding day. Planning every little detail from the dream dress right down to the perfect nail polish color. I even practiced and acted out this perfect dream day using pillowcases as veils and playing house with my neighbors and family members.
The morning that I said, "I do," I really didn't have the glitz and glamor people usually experience on their wedding day. No champagne with the bridesmaids, no relaxing and being pampered. Me, being the people pleaser that I am, frantically drove 40 minutes to my hairstylist because she said that I was too out of her way to come to me. She gave me the "Snookie" poof in the front, secured my wedding veil and I was off to my next stop: Blimpie's to pick up my bridesmaids' sandwiches.
I went in there with my hair done and veil on and the guy at the counter said, "hey are you getting married today?" I responded, "yes I am!" At that moment he looked at me completely puzzled and said, "don't you have someone who could have picked these up for you, considering it's your wedding day?"
I took a second as I let his comment sink in and I responded with the only answer I could muster up. "Who else is going to do it?"
When I got home, I entered the front door and saw myself reflected in the dining room mirror. I screamed at the top of my lungs. My hair looked like a "Jersey Shore" nightmare come true! This completely startled my 12-year-old sister, who looked at me with pure fear in her eyes.
I started tearing apart the poof that I just dished out $260 for and drove 80 minutes round trip to get. A half hour later, I finally felt a calm come over me as I salvaged my debacle of a hairdo. Then much to my surprise, I broke out in uncontrollable tears.
After I wiped the first batch off my face with a tissue, more tears followed. My sister screamed for my mother. Once she got to the bedroom, she took one look at me and burst into tears herself, running from the room.
"Why are you crying?" I am continually asked.
"I don't know, I don't know."
My bridesmaid Amber asked me if I wanted to get married.
"Yes, of course I do. We've been together forever."
My father wanted to know what I needed, and I told him a tequila shot. My parents unanimously said, "No! You can't go drunk to church."
My mom finally handed me a glass of water and told me to drink it. I did, and 20 minutes later, I felt a bit calmer. I washed my face and continued on with my day. My makeup artist came over and made me look like the perfect little bride.
I said my vows unknowingly drugged. I found out two weeks later that my mother had slipped me a sedative.
What I didn't realize at the time is that my inner self was speaking to me. Even though my conscious self didn't know it wasn't the best idea to tie the knot, my soul was crying out for help.
Emotions are tiny indicators of what's going on inside. Most of the time we are so busy making plans and trying to fulfill goals that we miss the little whispers our intuition is trying to give us. When you're going through a tough situation and feel obligated to continue, you ignore your intuition only to find out later those whispers were right. You say to yourself, "I knew it... I just knew it."
The answer is, you did know it. You just weren't aware that you knew it.
We have to learn techniques to tune in and make sense of the messages coming into our lives. When something doesn't feel 100 percent correct, stop and go into the silence. Meditate. And if you don't know how, LEARN!
It took me six whole months to meditate for five minutes. I took the hard route and learned to do it myself. Now there are so many ways to start.
Sometimes we are so used to not trusting ourselves that we can't even hear our soul crying. We end up making choices out of fear. Instead of me questioning the feelings that had arose the day of my wedding day, I just got a Band-Aid (in the form of narcotics) and never dealt with my emotions. When you drink, smoke or take a pill you are ignoring the problem -- it doesn't go away. You just become a problem hoarder.
You're walking around with a load of problems on your mind that can explode in the most unexpected ways in your life. You miss opportunities because you're not in the moment. You can't fully be immersed in the here and now -- you aren't fully living.
Today my choice is to practice happiness. And I'm going to get so freaking good at it, when those emotions come up and throw me off, I'll use that opportunity to listen really good and hard, then get quiet to make the decision that will continue to keep me in that happy state of mind.
There is no reason to live frozen in life. You have to start to face those scary emotions head on, because if you don't you will end up trying to survive instead of thrive.