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What if the New York State Supreme Court...


...ruled on other hot button issues besides gay marriage?.

After all, when it came to same-sex nuptials, they decided that the New York "legislature could find that unstable relationships between people of the opposite sex present a greater danger that children will be born into or grow up in unstable homes than is the case with same-sex couples." For that reason, "for the welfare of children, it is more important to promote stability, and to avoid instability, in opposite-sex than in same-sex relationships [since heterosexual couples can become parents] as a result of accident or impulse."

Somehow, the above coalesced into an argument against same-sex marriage - talk about creative jurisprudence. So what might they have said about:

Slavery:

"We find that because black people are on the whole less barbaric than white people, it is important that black people remain enslaved so that white people can focus their barbaric behavior towards black people instead of tormenting one another."

Torture:

"We find that Americans, the obese, indolent, egotistical people that they are, when permitted to torture certain Middle-Eastern types, have a tendency to develop a degree of cooperation with each other that they do not seem to display otherwise. Therefore we rule that torture is a benefit to society."

Abortion:

"We find that the rule is for infants to be born not tabula rasa, but with a high degree of inherent depravity. Therefore, we find no justification in the argument that the right to an abortion relieves society of the burden of unwanted children. Since all human beings are, in a global sense, unloved and unwanted, there is no rational argument for aborting some fetuses and not others. Therefore, we side with a ban on all abortions."

Miscegenation:

"It is clear to this court that people have a proclivity to consort and marry outside their own race due to the attraction of opposites. By denying the right to miscegenate, we are maintaining a degree of cultural and racial diversity that, without this obstacle, would undoubtedly disappear. Furthermore, once offspring are born of a mixed-race couple, these offspring become less culturally, ethnically and racially focused, and instead turn into individuals who look to promote the welfare of the overall human community. This is a utopian vision that society should not be asked to accommodate."

Illegal Immigrants:

"We understand that individuals who have entered the country illegally are much more able to appreciate the privilege of living here since it is a privilege that has not been officially granted them. By altering their status, and presenting them with an opportunity for amnesty, their degree of appreciation would certainly decline if not disappear entirely. Therefore, we rule that illegal immigrants must continue to be persecuted lest they lose the high regard they have for the United States."