We'd heard the rumors, of course, but dismissed them as idle gossip. Sure they say the tabloids don't lie on their front covers, but when they were blaring the news that President Bush was thinking of leaving his wife for his true love, Condoleezza Rice, we were pretty skeptical. That is, until sources in the White House turned up the following missive. . .
Dear Condi,
When I saw you last time, you filled me, as always, with shock and awe, and I'm so sorry that my response was to cut and run. You know I always believed in the sanctity of marriage but that's not the only problem -- see, right now, my job is hard work and I'm addicted to oil and don't know if there's enough time for you and me to find any real homeland security together. I know you deserve an up or down vote, but since I'm the decider you'll have to remain faith-based a little while longer. I know it's about freedom, Condi, but I guess I'm scared -- it's like every day, I'm fighting this war on terror.
On second thought, yes, Laura is a big part of this and like I've told you -- I'll stand up when she stands down. She's got some pretty serious weapons of mass destruction she could use against us, though, and I don't want to see you humiliated on my watch. There are so many evildoers in this world, you never know what could happen. Even if I did ask her for a divorce, some activist judge could work his fuzzy math and I'd lose my political capital. No, I've got to fight her over there so we don' t have to fight her over here. Bring her on -- I just hope she doesn't go nucular on us.But don't worry, Condi, we will prevail. We just need to stay the course and not give her any kind of artificial timetable. In the meantime, there's always the Internets, and we can also meet in secret down in Mississippi at Trent Lott's fantastic house. And this time, when we're making love, I promise I won't say, "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie." I'll try to express myself in a more sophisticated manner.
So, Condi, when it comes to my true feelings, please don't misunderestimate me-- I don't have time to sit around and wander, lonely, in the Oval Office, asking different portraits, 'which is the right woman for me?' In my heart, you will always be my road map to inner peace. And just because we're apart now, it's OK -- we're making progress, good progress, and what's important are the conditions on the mattress, not what they're saying in Washington. After all, when it comes to love, you were underprivileged anyway, so I'm sure this is working very well for you, right?
I luv ya,
Dubya