I got an unexpected package in the mail the other day. Because I'm a book reviewer, I somehow ended up on the list of folks who get review copies from Cleis Press, a publisher of feminist erotica. Imagine my surprise when I opened my package at the counter of the local post office, (where all the clerks know me) to find a brand new copy of "The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge."
As my post office pals snickered, I opened a page at random and read: "Missionary never felt so good. He's [bonking] you hard as you lie on your back: you pound on his back with your fists."(Trust me to be so vanilla that I can open a kink book to the only "missionary position" page.) Further down the page I read: "While spanking him, throw in a few punches -- the thudding sensation is a perfect counterbalance to the sting of the slap."
Punching my sweetie had never struck me (HA!) as a good time. On the other hand, when he does something that drives me nuts, waiting till we're between the sheets then popping him one might work better than trying to reason with him. (That never works.) If nothing else, smacking him in the name of sex play could be a nicely passive-aggressive way for me to work off a little steam.
Glad to have done my part to amuse the hard-working employees at my post office, I took "The Ultimate Guide to Kink" home. There was no question in my mind that I could get an essay out of this. What happens when an edgy sex manual falls into the hands of a mild-mannered librarian?
Dipping into the book again, I read: "Bondage has its own risks. As I tell my rope bondage students "Dead bottom, bad bondage. Bad top, no biscuit!"
Rope bondage students? Really? Where exactly is this class offered? One hopes that it isn't the local middle school. But I was intrigued by the book's tone -- it was knowing and funny, not Penthouse Letters Column smarmy. Wouldn't it be interesting to learn what actually goes on in all those wilder bedrooms? I'm a librarian. I love to read. And I love sex. Why wouldn't I enjoy reading about sex?
"The Ultimate Guide to Kink" is a collection of essays, edited by sex educator and "feminist pornographer" Tristan Taormino, and written by experts on a variety of topics from "Kinky Twisted Tantra" to "How to Train Your Sex Slave." The illustrations are mostly of rope-tying techniques strikingly similar to the ones in "The Boy Scout's Handbook." (Just what were those youngsters being trained to do anyway?) The writing is clear and informative enough to bring joy to my librarian's heart. And there's an eye-opener on every page. Even if you don't want to tie up your partner, you'll learn how to do it right and why it appeals to the folks who play that game. Sure, there were sections that I found icky, off-putting and/or downright scary. I skipped them. It's not as if I was studying to pass the Kinkster SAT. As with any good how-to book, you use what works for you.
Here's something that did work for me:
"Dressing up is FUN. Even mundane objects can be imbued with a sexy vibe. I had a very intense sexual encounter that was kicked up a notch when my partner and I dared each other to keep our glasses on during the entire [bonk]. You will not know how difficult it can be to keep your specs on while pounding the headboard until you've tried it."
Is this a scene totally made for a librarian or what?
I remain vanilla, but I'm glad I read this book. You should read it too. It's fascinating. It'll open your mind up. Actually, unless you're already into this stuff, it will probably blow your mind a little. Which isn't a bad thing. Sure, you too will probably find some of it just too weird or scary. Skip those parts.
On the other hand, if your partner ever asks you to spank him (or her), instead of freaking out, you'll know enough to respond, "Sure, honeybunch, I'd be happy to help you discover your "spanking sweet spot."
(This piece first appeared on www.womensvoicesforchange.org)
Everything in our culture makes people, and women in particular, feel that after the age of 40, they're no longer sexually attractive, and this belief gets internalized. But researcher Gina Ogden, in conducting her famed Isis study (a national survey of sexuality and spirituality), found that women in their 60s and 70s were having the best sex of their lives -- people need to understand that the brain is the most important sex organ in the body!
Men and women get into sexual patterns in their teens, 20s and 30s that never change. So in recognizing this, we need to say, "the hardware is going to stay the same, but we can update the software." And you can update the software by trying different things, but mostly by getting to know yourself.
If your body is an instrument, then you're only going to get better by practicing. And quite frankly, from a health standpoint, there isn't a better use of your time. Men take erection-enhancing drugs to increase nitric oxide in the penile blood vessels, but they can increase nitric oxide themselves by improving their sex lives either on their own or with a partner. Orgasms trigger a huge burst of nitric oxide, which balances the neurotransmitters in your body -- the same neurotransmitters that people take drugs to balance. It's a shame because antidepressants lower one's ability for full sexual expression, so the one thing that could really decrease depression is the one thing that the drugs quiet down. People don't realize that you can turn on chemicals in your own body without importing unnatural drugs to do it for you.
If you're fit, you're much more likely to have a satisfying sex life. Being and feeling healthy and being and feeling sexy are synonymous. I just spoke to a 70-year-old friend of mine -- a total fox -- who's trying his luck on eHarmony. So we talked about what people in his demographic are looking for, and we both agreed -- health! When you're healthy and your hardware is working the best it can, you can focus on downloading new software.
Women need to understand that they are far more complicated sexually than men are. For men, the focus is in the genitals. But with women, sex is like a martial art, and women need to master that art and have the ability to move sexual energy around, manipulate sounds and focus on certain areas. The beauty of being over 50 is that you have more time to practice this. Women need 45 minutes to get fully turned-on. Do you know how long the average couple spends making love? 15 minutes. Slow down! Take time!
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