Following the news that White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer indicated the administration’s willingness to prosecute federal marijuana law violations in recreational marijuana states, I’m feeling very sick about this confirmation of my powers of prognostication. Here’s a condensed version of my conversations with some marijuana consumers over the past nine months who’ve commented on my articles, convinced that the marijuana industry wouldn’t be a target for the Department of Justice under Donald Trump.
ME: I’m telling you, shitty candidate as she may be, you’d better vote for Hillary Clinton if you want to see recreational marijuana survive and flourish...
THEM: Hitlery KKKlinton?!? No way, man! She said medical marijuana “needs more research” and her daughter said people in Colorado died from marijuana drug interactions! Besides, she’s just as bad as Trump. I’mma vote for a third party that stands for what I believe in!
ME: I’m telling you, Jill Stein and Gary Johnson will never be president. As a shitty candidate, Hillary Clinton needs every possible vote. You just can’t vote third party or not vote if you really want to see recreational marijuana survive.
THEM: Trump and Clinton are just the same. Either one of them would be terrible. I can’t vote for a “lesser of two evils”, because that’s still supporting evil. I’mma vote for Jilly Steinson, because Hitlery’s going to win, anyway.
ME: I’m telling you, this President-Elect Trump won’t be good for the marijuana industry...
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, he’s a money guy! He loves business! He won’t crack down on pot.
ME: I’m telling you, President-Elect Trump is saying “I’m getting a lot of negative reports out of Colorado...”
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, he’s not going to go after marijuana. It’s too big an industry!
ME: I’m telling you, President Trump selected the absolute worst reefer mad pot-hating senator to be Attorney General...
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, Sessions serves at the will of the President, and Trump will keep him in line on marijuana. Besides, Sessions said the Cole Memo and all its reasons not to raid states was a good thing.
ME: I’m telling you, Sessions sees the Cole Memo as a list of reasons TO raid marijuana states...
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, there are too many states with legal marijuana, especially California!
ME: I’m telling you, the legal states are 104 electoral votes that went for Hillary and 4 for Trump, and the newer states are delaying implementation to give Trump’s DOJ a chance to make it commercial legalization moot.
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, marijuana is too big of an industry. It’s worth $7 billion! Trump’s friends with all those business types.
ME: I’m telling you, the entire marijuana industry is worth just the profits of one pharmaceutical or alcohol company, and that’s who Trump’s friends are. There’s every indication is that Trump is going to return us to the War on Drugs era thinking...
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, Trump will have too much on his plate to waste his political capital on marijuana.
ME: I’m telling you, a guy worried about political capital wouldn’t mock the disabled and insult a Gold Star family. And for lawmakers invested in private prisons, pharmaceuticals, and oil, fighting marijuana is a good use of political capital. Seriously, Trump thinks like an old-school drug warrior...
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, all that “tough on crime” talk is just rhetoric.
ME: I’m telling you, Trump has signed an executive order reversing Obama’s reduction of private prisons used by DOJ...
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, Trump’s just doing all that for his immigration crackdown.
ME: I’m telling you, Trump is appointing pot-hating prohibitionists throughout his administration...
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, he’s got Peter Thiel advising him on something, and Thiel’s got investments in cannabis.
ME: I’m telling you, the Philippine President who’s slaughtering marijuana consumers says Trump told him he’s handling his country’s drug problem “the right way”...
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, marijuana is far too popular for Trump to go after. It’d be political suicide!
ME: I’m telling you, if popularity set policy, we’d have universal gun background checks and mandatory GMO labeling. Trump’s going to be terrible for recreational pot.
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, this is all conjecture. Trump hasn’t said anything about marijuana policy yet.
ME: I’m telling you, Sean Spicer got up today and said “There’s a big difference between [medical] and recreational marijuana” and that “the Department of Justice, I think, will be further looking into“ and “I do believe you’ll see greater enforcement”...
THEM: Oh, don’t worry, that’s just talk. They haven’t actually done anything yet.
ME: What is it going to take for you to understand that Donald Trump is going to be far worse for recreational marijuana than Hillary Clinton ever would have been? Actual raids? Federal lawsuits? You had the chance to help stop this in November, but you kept playing that false-equivalency fallacy, and now we could see an unraveling of the progress we’ve made.
THEM: We don’t know that. Besides, we’d be in a nuclear war with Russia right now if Hitlery was president.
ME: Instead of being ruled by Russia through a soft coup? Nevermind, whatever you’re smoking is far more powerful than what I’ve got if you really believe marijuana would be worse off under Clinton than under Trump. Just do me a favor: don’t come bitching to me when your pot shop gets shut down.