Are You Doomed By Your Circumstances?

Last week, I wrote about ways to find your source of inspiration and asked you to write with questions and comments. Many of you did, often referring to my hypothetical question, "Am I doomed by my circumstances?"

As I said last week, that's a really important question. So many people complain about the hand life has dealt them, especially in these challenging economic times. In my coaching work, I often find people who feel somewhere between helpless and hopeless.

The biggest challenge I see in all of this is that each of us gets to be right, regardless of our point of view. Henry Ford often said something to the effect: it does not matter whether you believe you can or you cannot - you are probably right. The logic? If you believe you can, you will probably keep on trying until you do; if you believe you cannot, you may well give up before even starting.

There are hundreds of clichés on this subject. Where there's a will there's a way. Or, if at first you don't succeed, keep on trying until you do succeed. And many more.

Here's what Courtney had to say, and my response:

I've had this feeling so many times but you have to pick yourself physically and emotionally out of that thinking quickly, when it happens. In the last 5 years, two siblings and 6 friends have passed away. I was in grief counseling for a year and a half. Then this past fall, my work visa in the UK was denied on a technical error (which is still in the appeals process after 7 months) and I had to quit a perfectly good job and move back to the States. I am glad to be home but now have been unemployed since moving back. It has been the hardest and best few years of my life. I have countless times asked, "Why is this happening to me?" I think the saving elements, for me, has been to focus on what many blessings I have been given in life. Simple pleasures are where it is at for me: hearing a beautiful piece of music, the electric red sunsets in Texas, getting kisses from my puppy, and remembering sweet memories of those who have passed away. I have so much to be grateful for...my health, good friends, a great Mom, etc.

What I am trying to say, very inarticulately, is I think the key is getting outside of your own head without denying your own feelings. What I mean is, accept and embrace your own emotions and allow yourself to express them but also, go outside, do something nice for others, try learning something new like a new language. Don't let yourself dwell in a rut. The rut will get deeper and harder to escape.

So, there is just my two cents.

Courtney shares a great awareness here, a great set of insights. However, if you aren't the one going through her set of circumstances, with her degree of awareness and insight, then you may find this easy to dismiss. My counsel? Hang in there, and see if you might be able to find some kernel of truth, some small element that you can apply to your own life circumstances.

After all, if we are doomed by our circumstances, then no one, as in no one, would ever make it out of the doom and gloom rut.

Many people feel trapped by their circumstances. The main problem we need to address when feeling trapped, is the feeling of being trapped - not the circumstances, per se, but what we tell ourselves when we find ourselves in that trapped set of feelings. As long as the focus remains on the circumstances, the entrapment will continue.

The first step out, after the initial awareness of feeling trapped, may be to begin imagining a new set of conditions that you would find preferable. Even if you can't yet imagine the new circumstances, can you imagine a more free or liberated state? Just that subtle shift may be enough to allow you to recognize that quiet voice of inspiration that we have been discussing these past few weeks.

The premise, if not the promise here, is that Spirit (or the Divine, or God, or your Soul or whatever language works for you) will keep bringing the opportunity for awareness, inspiration and guidance, but only to the extent that you are open to receive that inspiration, awareness or guidance.

So, start by imagining the life you would prefer - you don't have to know how yet, you just have to start entertaining an image of the positive change you seek.

Obviously, there's a lot more to this, but this is one good starting point.

Another reader wrote:

I don't know if I found your article helpful in that I was looking for more of a roadmap. I work as a marketing specialist for a chemical company.. I am not necessarily unhappy but yearn to do something different. My problem is that my children are young, 5 and 9, and my mother is in the earliest stages of Alzheimer's. I don' really have much time for myself and my life takes a back seat to everyone else's. I have to work. Plus my father is crazy.

Help me. Where can I start?

This is a different example of circumstances and responsibilities conspiring to create another form of being trapped. If this sounds familiar, the best advice I can offer is to hang in there, keep asking yourself questions which focus you on awareness of your own experience, what you might prefer, and on choices you can make for yourself. Even if the choices are small ones at first, at least they are choices you can make.

Here's a real life example for which I am eternally grateful:

My wife was raised in the projects in Toronto, single parent home, often without much in the way of food or clothing. She did not attend college and yet went on to become Director of Marketing for a multinational computer company. From there, she left to start her own marketing consulting business.

Continuing to follow her dreams with each choice she made, she then went on to write and publish a novel chronicling her life's lessons in a book, The Land Beyond The Clouds. While it was written for young adults, many parents have found the messages compelling and applicable to their own lives.

In preparing for this article, I asked her how she got from A to B along the way. Her answer: she kept following her passion, making choices that were "right" in the moment, serving as best she could, staying open to new information, new experiences and new choices. She endured many bumps and bruises along the way, to be sure. And, yet, she would say she kept making the best choices she could in the moment, knowing that with each choice would could new learning and more choices.

Notice the stories you tell yourself about why life is limiting you rather than how you are limiting yourself. Notice whether you are making choices that move you forward, or simply keep you stuck in the "same old, same old." She could have kept herself trapped in the story of broken home, life in the projects, and lack of education. I am so grateful she chose to keep moving forward!

And, if you are looking for a more inspired life, one with a higher level of aspiration and alignment with your higher purpose, then keep that in mind! Even if you don't know what it is that you actually want, specifically, you can still keep the focus on a life of meaning, fulfillment, inspiration and purpose.

Remember, the source of inspiration you seek is already inside you. It has probably whispered to you dozens of times. Are you listening? Are you willing to take the next step, even if it doesn't seem clear how it will produce the results you seek.

There's more to come on this theme. Please let me know your thoughts, questions, concerns or suggestions, either by leaving a comment below, or by sending me an email.

***

You can find out more about Russell Bishop at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com. Contact Russell at: [e-mail]

Russell is an Educational Psychologist, professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California.

Comments

[Whatathought]

This is a thought provoking article. Thinking is something I wish my teen would do more of. In school now, it is mostly about memorization. Wouldn't it be nice to have teens engage in a forum at school lead by someone like Mr. Bishop ??????

[Lizlie]

I hate when people comment that anyone can overcome anything and that it is all a state of mind.

What about people who have children who are severely disabled and the parents don't know whether their child will live or die and the child spends years in hospital or are mentally retarded and suffering. To see a child suffering everyday is a living hell and I wish those "positive" thinkers out there could spend one day in a dreadful situation so that they could understand.

[Robert Madera]

I agree. Staying positive is not a solution when your life truly sucks.

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Lizlie:

Sorry to hear that this kind of work is distressing for you. If you have been told that anyone can overcome anything by thinking, then I completely understand. I can think as positively as I want and that still won't cause limb to grow back or anything even close. However, the real advice here is about doing what you can to improve - perhaps you can improve your life circumstance, but surely you can improve how you deal with them. Glad to help if I can.

Blessings to you,

Russell

[jeanneyogini]

I find that meditation is a great way to get out of a rut (and stay out!) because it de-fogs the mind so you can clearly hear your inner voice again. When the mind is dull and uncreative, one's circumstances can seem doomed. The feeling of being trapped comes from consciousness being stuck on the surface level of the mind.

Resolving a troubled situation is much easier if you can get some distance from it. Meditation allows you to transcend the problem and contact deeper levels of Being that are teaming with creativity and inspiration. I'm not talking about just watching your thoughts or breath, but diving deep within where the mind gets satiated with its own silence and inner bliss. After my Transcendental Meditation practice, even the most mundane activity is infused with fun and energy.

[Norge]

All are born into circumstances and it is the way of the beginnings on earth for all organisms. None are doomed by their circumstances unless one is to think it was doom to be born. Perhaps "Darfur"

The depth of the survival instinct and its' intensity is what determines just how long each organism
survives. Another factor is tollerance and threshhold of pain, emotional and physical which each organism can endure.
The last door arrives when all becomes unbearable and all joy is gone for one' given life on the planet earth.

The earth is a wonderously beautiful planet and a place of joy is here: http://www.ratical.org/LifeWeb/

[berrycooda]

Count your blessings....many have some and some have many.
The Bible states that we should be content whatever state we are in.
However, I wouldn't mind being in another state but I don't really think that statement refers to location.
Sometimes in life, we have to learn things and sometimes those things are not only for our own good, but to help someone else who is having the same struggles.

Look up...thank God for your blessings and maybe He will bless you with more because He can see that you appreciate the blessings he already has given you.
My motto is "whatever doesn't kill youI, makes you stronger"
So stand up strong and help the next person when you can and
someone will come along and do the same for you when you least
expect it.
Works for me and it will work for you too.

[Trilby]

Some people are very lucky, or to put it another way, they get some breaks that not everyone will get, and then chalk it up to their own determination, grit, talent, amazingness, whatever. Reality. Not everyone is going to be hugely successful in life. I'm not saying don't try, but it is not true that everyone can reach the top just by trying or keeping a positive outlook. There is limited real estate at the pinnacle. Sorry to be a downer, but that's how I see it.

[holman2]

One thing I've often wondered about: couldn't you say that the people who are able to overcome many obstacles and work their way up are somehow endowed genetically or by circumstances (such as being fortunate to meet other people who help them or teach them things) so that they can move themselves upward. Whereas other people who can't make it out are not genetically capable or who never had the right interaction with other people so that they could even help themselves. It seems that you could argue that people who appear to be incapable really are incapable, due to no fault of their own. In my thinking, there are only two parts to a person, his genetics and his experience. If this combination is a stacked deck against you, you are doomed.

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Hey Trilby: thanks for your comment and observation. The focus of this series is on inspiration and aspiration, not climbing to the top of the material world. However, the same principles of awareness, choice, and response-ability do apply to improving one's lot in life, even in the material world.

[Paul David Walker - Huffpost Blogger]

I coach many successful people, and most come from humble, if not poor backgrounds. Those who come from wealth, do not seem to develop the drive to succeed. Clearly not everyone who is poor reaches the top, but a large percent of those who reach the top start at the bottom.

[emmeaki]

Some people are very lucky, like the children of celebrities who are allowed to make albums and be in TV shows and movies even though they don't have very much talent. I've seen singers in the subways of New York who sound 10 times better than some of the popular singers of today. What about the people who get cushy jobs because Dad is the CEO of the company?

[Paul David Walker - Huffpost Blogger]

There is a difference between a cushy job or an album or two, and reaching the top of your field. Some who come from families in a business succeed, but the great ones make it on their own, even if they have wealthy parents. They separate themselves for the family and learn to succeed on their own. Depending on handouts from your family will only disable you if you want to reach the top. You can, however, live off your families money or fame, but it will leave doubt in your mind.

[PhilipB]

Dear Russell,
Thank you for the inspiring post
"The source of inspiration you seek is already inside you"
Yes! So true. I am going to make it happen.
All the best to you,
Philip

[SOLERSO68]

If your "dreams" are to live in debt to banks and insurance companies the rest of your life, then you are in luck. it is a cold hard fact that most people will never escape the economic caste they are born into unless it is an escape down. the "american dream" as it is, sucks anyway. why pump out 2.5 kids and go into hock for the rest of your life to buy a crappy shack in some tract development?to keep the 1% rich and supplied with cheap labor? we will only be free when capitalism is dead and gone.

[Pyrum]

We will only be free when the free market system is restored and we are no longer taxed through the nose to support a massive centralized government.

[Rogan]

Free to not have decent roads that make it easy to get together, you mean?

Free to not go to public schools, or use the post office?

You "free market" creeps just don't realize yet what's happened to your hoary ideas, do you? Hint: "moribund" eventually becomes "dead."

[PhilipB]

Hi!
I paid all of our our credit cards off just before I was laid off.
well, i must have had some good sense, or a guardian angel, or something.
But you know, there is nothing like a positive attitude.
I mean, even though I know at my age i am not employable in the traditional market, I know i have much to offer and others do as well. You know, i believe there may be a market in that.
Either way, I know that ME! Yes me, is valuable, and I will work to share that and inspire others in the same situation.
i am working to find my contribution to the world, and I know that the world will be better for my positive efforts.
And I know you will as well.
Warm regards,
PhilipB

[Deli]

Philip,

You sound very positive and open to the whole new world that opened up by what everyone else calls a "downturn". The fact is, markets and all unsustainable things are changing. It is likely that your next income will involve the Internet. This is true for most people, and they need to see it now. I am not talking about scams, which are everywhere in life, not just the internet. But all markets are moving to the internet. I have found the BEST free, step-by-step education on how to master the internet for your own business/income. It has been going on since 2004. Two techies, one from England and one from Australia teach 30 days of lessons on just what matters and how to do it. It is just completing, but the content stays up and you can do it anytime. It is at www.thirtydaychallenge.com. The challenge is to make $1 on the Internet in 30 days. Many of the folks who started in 2004 are now millionaires.

[Deli]

A great cure for "spending" addiction/out of control entanglements with the capitalist system, is the book (and now extended philosophy that includes pretty deep on-line content/community), is "Your Money or Your Life" it is even more pertinent then it was when published, I think in the 80s. It works you through a process of figuring out how much money you have actually earned, what you have to show for it, and how to transform your relationship to it.

Luckily I had an Social Security statement that was pretty much all of my wages, but then you take an inventory of all assets, every single thing you own and its worth, including every piece of change you find around, down to the penny. The process revolutionizes your attitude, beliefs, and approach to money. I have totally revised my lifestyle and need very little, it turns out. Compared to how, prior to this process, I always felt "poor" no matter what I made, overspent, actually created lack for myself, and casually got into debt. No more. Funny, money comes easily now, no struggle.

[PhilipB]

Brilliant and fanned!

[sshaler]

Thank you for this breath of fresh air, SOLERSO68. With our seemingly indelible 'keep on keeping on' and appreciate the (smaller and smaller) crumbs you're 'blessed' with attitudes we've dreamed ourselves into an environmental, moral and social catastrophe. I wish a lot more people would dwell upon our circumstances because they are outright unjust and unseemly. The pursuit of personal agrandizement and so-called success while we live off the backs of starving and brutally exploited people in developing countries is a moral outrage we should be dwelling on a lot. Everything we do to keep this corrupt society limping along is ethically grotesque. Also environmentally unsustainable.

[Deli]

I have been reading these comments and want to add some tips that might help people, as I have just gone through six months of regression that I thought I would never emerge from, but I have and am underway with being active and am actually lighter and freer than ever, having had to pare down my belongings and lifestyle after a layoff in January.

1. Last night I watched a free movie on hulu.com that may be of help to some of the people commenting here who feel they just can't muster the energy or enthusiasm to rekindle their dreams. Search for "Taub". It is truly inspiring.

2. A few weeks ago I logged on to Simpleology.com and signed up for a free account. I had grown so lethargic and non-productive, I wasn't even keeping up with simple obligations. This sight is a step-by-step daily lesson that gets you back on track. I thought nothing could light a fire under me and now I am already accomplishing more in a day then ever before. The damn thing works. (Of course there is sales pitch involved, after all, it is someone's livelihood, but the free content is worth it and probably the paid is, too. But if you can't afford it, you do not need to do 102 or 103. 101 is totally worth your time.

[PhilipB]

How beautiful.
What a lovely and helpful post.
Thank you. you are just the best.

[TucsonEd]

I did a search for Taub, tons of stuff came up. which one?

[Deli]

Sorry! Try "World of Taub".

[Antifascist-08]

One of our main distractions is that we tend to live in a world that is increasingly full of shame and blame.

It is also a world that wants to quantify humanity into groups that fit into personal ideologies.

I have done a lot of teaching- one on one in music, and larger class type situations and what I can say is that people are different. All we can do is try to inspire and be real. I have many students who have made great successes of their lives- and i don't mean just monetary successes, and others have never risen above the situations around them. Some of my most talented students crashed and burned. Others who I never would have guessed have sought me out to thank me for what I gave them. I never gave any of them money.

We need to do what we can without expectation of "reward." If one only wants money, that is just a motivation. MOney does not bring happiness. I could be rich with money right now if I had wanted that, but as i went down the path of life I chose more interesting pursuits. BUt each to his own.

Lets quit trying to judge people and just do the best we can to be good citizens of this world.

[barackobama4prez]

It's hard right now. I am going through some stuff personally that are new challenges in all sorts of ways. But no matter how hard I think I have it, I KNOW there are millions of Americans who would love to have my life. I keep hearing my mother's voice in my head: "Every day above ground is a good day." And I try to wake up each day like there are better circumstances just waiting to manifest themselves. Patience is not a talent. It may be a gift. It's certainly a practiced artform.

[Deli]

Excellent. Your words are similar to what I tell myself when I am absolutely down. In reality, no moment has anything to do with any other moment and the past, as recent as one moment ago, does not have to have baring on the present or future. The way I look at it, no matter what happens, I am alive right now, so

I read somewhere, for those who are metaphysical, that on the dimension where beings are that hope to live human lives and learn the lessons of this world we choose to come here to learn, that these beings all want lives, that whatever that spiritual and just plane is like, they want to experience being human, no matter what the life is, because having it flow easily as they do is great, but just does not compare to living a human life. This struck me, and now I know I chose these lessons and look at them like a game to be played, thankful that I am here.

[PhilipB]

Yes. Thank you.

[Antifascist-08]

I just want to lend my support to those of you out there who have told sad stories, etc.

We do live in a country that is more isolated and cruel than ever before. it also has the potential for a lot of good things. There can be more communication, but it is often of supremely low quality. Get off the internet and out and about. Get more education. Go after a dream you once had. Be polite and helpful to all.

More people than not have survived deaths and divorce, so get out there and meet new people. Your family is the people you can trust. Other people are looking for good people too. Keep your eyes and your heart open and put yourself in unthreatening positions where you can meet good people.

My family ate spaghetti almost every day of the week for a few years when i was young. But my parents always tried to give us the tools to succeed. I was lucky. i know that. BUt sometimes we have to hit bottom to truly find the way to happiness.

I am not a religious person, but if you are struggling with religious issues, you might want to try a church that I was a member of as a child and was the church for many of the founding fathers- the Unitarian Church. They are progressive on social issues and they welcome anyone into their fold without any proselytizing or dogma.

Love comes unexpectedly.

Best wishes.

[PhilipB]

Well said. Thank you!!!

[brooklyncitizen]

Well I was going to say being trapped is a function of upbringing and conditioning, some people start off at the bottom of the rung and spend their entire lives trying to climb out/up, but others make it out and go on to thrive. What helps me is practicing detachment and after acquiring some life experience one realizes that everything passes...and all the good stuff too. It all passes.

[BlackYowe]

When it comes down to it often outlook is in the genes or the way one is raised. Is the glass half empty or half full! Some people are fighters and some just don't have much pluck.

[JLRoberson]

Some people have pluck and it eventually gets worn down.

[BlackYowe]

Yes they do. There are certainly factors in some peoples lives that can't be helped and they take their toll.

[sshaler]

I hope enough of us get worn down enough to completely ruin our way of life because the way we live is murderous for so many in the world who we exploit . Without a great deal of despair we will never be able to believe how destructive our society is. We cause most of the pollution. We live off the backs of the weakest and more vulnerable peoples in the world. I think it'll be marvellous when a critical mass of people stop fighting to keep this ignorant and voracious culture going. No just, equitable, kind social system can ever blossom until we let go of this one.

People are so brainwashed into believing that the individual is personally responsible for their own lives and hardships that they never imagine looking up and seeing that our society is structured in such a way that only a small number of people stand a chance of a dignified existence. That is not the only possible way to structure a society but we accept it the way it is to the peril of most people in the world.

[SiouxSayer]

I realized my worst nightmares in the last 2 weeks. My beautiful, yet emotionally unavailable wife of 13 years has decided she needs to 'find herself' and has left with my 2 exceptional daughters and will not give me a shred of hope for the future. I sat with, cried for and bled for her through her cancer treatment and was never looking for 'points'. I am a great dad to my kids, don't smoke, don't drink, hate watching sports, considered an intellectual (with no formal education) and think bathroom humor is pedestrian and boorish. I have stayed a house husband with a small photography studio for years (large gap in resume at the worst possible time) Soon our house will sell and I will literally be homeless. (She is staying with family....I have none) I am lost and cry daily. Although I was not as diligent in my marriage as I should have been, facing certain doom shouldn't be my fate. Yet I can't see a way out. Besides ending my pain the cowardly way, not to mention what that would do to my girls, ...what am I to do?

[BlackYowe]

Don't give up because sometimes the weirdest things happen. Just keep your eyes wide opened for ways to cope and let nature do the rest. I have seen people rise from far worse. Stay honorable and hang in there. I know that sounds lame but I have been in the depths of dispair ,I know what i am saying. We are stonger than we think we are.

[PhilipB]

Well said!

[bluecollarblogger]

I can not tell you that i have been in your exact situation but I know what it feel like to have your whole life hanging by a thread and your spouse holding the scissors. Hang on to the positives, emphasize the positives. You are intellegent, you are loyal, you are loving father and yes husband. Your wife's sickness did not just make her stronger it made you stronger too. You have two daughters who are going to need someone to lean on, someone who is strong, someone who loves them, they need you. Your wife, she is not your life, she is a part of it. Take all that love all that emotion and put it into your kids, your future. Use this incident to show your kids why they have the greatest dad in the world, why they have the strongest dad in the world. Use this incident as an opportunity to shine rather than fall. Because you can and you will.

[brooklyncitizen]

Well for one surrender; not that I can say I've walked in your shoes but when we admit we don't know and simply ask to know what to do an answer comes.We call it inspiration, intuition, or divine guidance. Even if you are not religious I think on a deep psychological level we have a wiser version of us that knows what is right for us in the moment.

It may feel like certain doom but it seldom is.We are a hardy species.

[SiouxSayer]

Thank you all for your inspiration and kind words. I just want to be strong again. I need a career and at 41...well.­....pretty bleak. I have lived so many years taking care of my family that I neglected my education and perhaps, my own self interests. Life happens and years pass...whoever thinks these things are going to happen? Certainly not me and I'm soon to face an uncertain future with nearly zero prospects for hope. I've never had to live in my car or worry about tomorrow. Now I have a few dollars and a car...that's about it. I will try to survive. I will attempt to heal from this blinding hurt, fear and abandonment. But I don't know when I'll ever laugh again...or even smile. I stood nearly frozen with my daughters at Obama's Inaugurati­on...havin­g a heart never more of hope...I had truly never been happier. Went from hero to zero. I'm not religious, but I do have some faith in karma and the power of collective consciousness, so if you can find a few moments...please send some powerful, positive thoughts my way. Thanks again all...

[PhilipB]

Well, there is nothing like looking at what is there and fighting for yourself! Saying yes! I can! Do not put any barriers on what you can do.
I am there myself, and being passionate about what you love is the best pace to start. Everyone loves positive energy, it is infectious; fun and a great spirit is your ticket to happiness, no matter what. Be grateful, find your bliss! create something, and see what follows. Go for it!

[ullyses]

I'll say a prayer for you, SiouxSayer. May God bless you and keep you safe.

[Robert Madera]

Dude, can't you sue her for alimony?

[HawaiianApple]

I had come to my darkest moment I was going to do it, so the suffering & crying would go away, the evil thoughts of things I would do if I had a chance to hurt my former co-workers, I worked for a company for 30 yrs, two yrs ago, forced me to retire early(49) The company and former brown nose's made my life a living hell, said I pulled a knife on them, commented I thought all Mexicans carried knifes, and messed with my paperwork, I was white collar. I had proof, but when you work for a powerful HMO, law firms don't want to take them on, They won! Upon leaving I was told I guess you'll never get to Hawaii? I haven't been able to find a job in 2 yrs, I cash a 4o1k, blew through my savings a couple years of salary, used up all my unemployment benefits. Silver lining I'm in Hawaii, sometimes I pick fruit from my trees, fish for my food. My relationship sucks too, hurting yourself might make you feel better, but look at the gap you'll leave in everyone else life. I gave up on myself and God, and this may not be for you I went back to church every Sunday for two hrs my life isn't so so bad, I don't know you, but I feel your heartache, I'll keep you in my thoughts may peace and happiness come to you soon. Aloha!