Last week, we touched on one of my favorite questions: What do you want out of life, really? Reader responses were all over the place, some placing the inevitable focus on money, while others sought after time to chase more qualitative rather than quantitative pursuits; some noted that loving relationships were supreme, and others argued that with enough money, you could buy just about anything, including peace of mind.
As we noted last week, Eric Hoffer, the longshoreman philosopher, offered some guiding wisdom here when he said, "You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy." I usually misquote him slightly and say, "You can never get enough of what you don't really want."
With Thanksgiving having come and gone, I thought this would be a great time to continue the mindfulness of gratitude. With that in mind, here's what a few readers had to say, some via comments, and others via e-mail to me.
One very powerful comment came in an e-mail to me from Kelly Larson, who gave me permission to quote her. Listen closely to the profound message contained herein. It is from this short and yet poignant note that I took today's title:
I read your article in the Huffington Post "Life Goals: What do you Really Want?" and wanted to respond. A recent bout with illness has brought this very issue to the forefront in my life.
After a three year professional hiatus dealing with a personal health crisis, I possess a clarity I certainly didn't before, and I no longer feel motivated by a paycheck, a title, or a certain cache associated with a profession. I feel guided by meaning rather than ambition, and now have a real desire for authenticity and passion in my professional life.
However, I find the challenge I'm facing now is simply this, choosing. When one is working towards that next paycheck, that next title, the path is quite clear...when on a treadmill there's little doubt about the direction one's headed, head down, one foot in front of the other, consciousness and presence not required. But having stepped off the treadmill, having stopped listening to the voices of others (most times!) or thriving on the hustle for more, I'm struggling to find my own voice again. What do I like? What inspires me? What experiences am I after? Am I brave enough to try? It's not the destination that's elusive for me, it's the path there...at least for now!
Thanks for letting me respond. Appreciate your time!
Kelly Larson
Another thoughtful reader in an even more distressing circumstance, wrote this in an e-mail to me:
I read your article "Life Goals: What do you really want" and thought I would give you my perspective. I was diagnosed with terminal cancer two years ago and was given 12 months to live. Obviously by the fact I am writing this, I have beaten the timeline somewhat but that is a different story. When I first got diagnosed, I immediately flashed to the movie "Bucket List" and started thinking about what experiences I still want to have. After spending a few hours on this endeavor I found that nothing on that list was important.
With the looming end of life, my focus went back to basic animal instincts - providing what is best for my off-spring. That meant two main themes: Leaving a lasting impression of myself on my kids and making my family as financially secure as possible.
I had been a senior vice president at a Fortune 50 company. This meant that I was on the road a lot. My kids were 6 and 8 at the time. One thing that struck me early on was that I did not have a lot of memories when I was 6 or 8 and I wanted to make sure I was one of those memories for my children. While it may seem counter to the second goal, I decided to stop working, become a stay at home dad and really get to know my children. In that time, my relationship with my son and daughter has grown significantly. I have a much greater influence on them, I believe that they know me as a person much better and of course as they get older, the number of lasting memories will grow. I still ask myself quite often, "What have I done recently with my family that will impact my children positively in the years to come?"
On the financial side, it is more straight forward. We did financial planning. I laid out our finances as if we were retiring and we decided to have my wife go and get her MBA so that she could get a good job if and when I died.
The outlook has improved on my illness and I do reassess my priorities but they are still based on the two points above. However, in almost all cases, the goal is to create experiences that will further them.
I guess my bottom line point is that when our lives seem open ended, many of our desires and goals are less concrete and not grounded in a tangible or explainable rationale. When that ending becomes imminent, at least in my case, we are able to focus on things that really matter to us.
Perhaps KnuckleLady summed it up best when she posted this comment:
What do I want?
I already have what I've always wanted... love of which everyone longs for, but few ever find. I'm the luckiest woman in the world to be in love with my best friend. And with every year that passes, our love deepens, our friendship strengthens, and our understanding broadens.
I am a better person, a better woman, a better mother because of his love. It shows in everything I do and everyone I touch.
When you are loved, truly loved, everything you do, every decision you make, rests heavily on being loved. Everything is right with the world, even when the world isn't right. Things may go wrong, mini-crisis happen, bad luck appears, times get tough, but regardless of circumstance... everything is right with the world, even when the world isn't right. Love does that.
What do I want? I already have it. And I am the luckiest woman in the world.
So, one more time: what do you want, really? If you only had that one remaining year, would you hope to spend more time at the office? Would enriching the financial bank account be your focus? Or would you be seeking something more qualitative in your life?
I would love to hear from you about your ideas, about how you have chosen in the past or what you are focusing on as you look ahead. What do you want, really?
Please leave a comment here or drop me an e-mail and let me know your experience.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara, Calif. Watch for his new book, "Workarounds That Work: How to Conquer Anything That Stands in Your Way at Work," which will be released Jan. 10, 2011. You can find out more about Russell at workaroundsthatwork.com. You can also download a free chapter of his new book by going to workaroundsthatwork.com and clicking on "Download a free chapter." Contact Russell by e-mail at Russell.Bishop@workaroundsthatwork.com.
Follow Russell Bishop on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_Bishop
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I've spent some effort learning to reject false dichotomies, so my first instinct was to suspect the title of this piece. But it captures a powerful truth. I only wish our culture prized meaning more highly.
Thanks for your writing.
Neither. Like most Americans, narcissistic fear is my raison d'être, and victim is the only identity available to me. Avarice is my primary motivation and an overweening sense of entitlement my most significant attribute. My preferred mode of expression is whining and my main activity is consumption. I hate myself and my life and my only remaining desire is to escape into the lives of prettier, sexier, smarter, richer, happier celebrities. As a result, I've entertained my imagination to death, and cannot conceive of any other life, much less a better one.
I like to be titillated but never aroused, provoked but not awakened, and distracted but not informed. I am fed to the point of literal and metaphorical obesity, but am nonetheless starving. My function in the larger scheme of things is to increase the wealth of the already egregiously wealthy while lying to myself about the likelihood of becoming one of them. I console myself with reproduction, imagining my children will justify my existence, for which they quite rightly hate me.
I have nebulous notions of heaven and am vaguely aware that I'm already in hell, but as my most accomplished intellectual tool is denial, such realizations never trouble my dreams, which are filled with shame, rage, and a terrible sadness I can't bear to acknowledge.
On a personal note, having made this choice for my life and my work, I can only say that it is at once, the most challenging and the most rewarding option I have ever taken! www.QuintessentialYouDesign.com
Money is good. It pays our bills, helps us live our dreams, takes care of our children and can be used to help others. There is great meaning in that. I don't see why there is a need to create a war between the words - ? Why not have both?
Meaning is just ambition when we see ourself as the whole.
It just seems that their meaning tends to fall apart for them. For them the meaning is power, over themselves, over others, over the dangers of being alive.
At some point they find that kind of meaning empty. Lord knows it's great to have money but what they never ask themselves is to what end?
Beyond needs for living, all other things we strive for are things we make up ourselves. Why not make up something worth while.
- kill your ambition - of any and all kind; material and meaning (psychological, and spiritual)
- this life isn't about you (if you think it is, you've been snookered by religion, culture, media, etc.)
- love others and all living things (not as a 'do-gooder', just love them with no reward expected)
We've missed the boat altogether if we think this life is an exercise of what's in it for me. Totally off, misguided, and in direct contradiction to all ancient wisdom - religions, myth stories, Jesus, Buddha, you name it. It is about being 'non-personal'. Period. Always has, always will be.
"I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It is the ultimate source of success in life."