Last week, we opened another can of worms, asking the question, What Story Are You Telling Yourself? Some found the perspectives useful, some did not. A few therapists joined in, expanding on aspects of cognition and elements of cognitive therapy. And then there were the usual chorus of complaints ranging from misapplying Shakespeare to lack of scholarship.
The great thing is that everyone's right! If you find this approach to self-awareness useful, then it's useful! If you don't, then it's not.
One reader shared an interesting awareness about anger:
Russell, Looking at the comments, your article got some people thinking. The part on fantasy conversations reminded me a recent occurrence. Perhaps you'll find this interesting. I'm not at all good at putting things behind me. Often I'll engage in fantasy conversations, reliving and revising events from the past, or inserting events into the past. Usually they're negative, instances where I felt mistreated or dismissed. And emotions get stirred up, often anger. The other day I was having such an adventure, and feeling angry, and I thought "as if being angry will change anything." Then there was a brief glimpse, with the sense that this was a glimpse into something that was really there, that at some lower level I really think this way - that being angry will change it. Or that the fantasy conversations will change what has occurred. An insight, and like I said, I trust that I was seeing something that's really there. It makes me wonder how much we operate on the basis of something irrational, that we know is irrational. This one - that I can change the past by replaying it or emoting on it - doesn't come from upbringing or past experience; it's something I conjured up myself. Creating my own little world which is preferable to the real one, and refusing to accept, on some lower level, that the real world isn't going to be changed. I'm pretty sure this is far from unique to me; I'd guess we all do something like this. But it's very difficult to notice. Those little glimpses don't happen very often. ChipNice awareness, to be sure. I know I have found myself trying to change the world, the situation or someone else by being angry. I have tried expressing the anger to get someone or something else to change, I have tried keeping it bottled up, I have tried seething inside, telling myself stories about how unfair life is, or how the other person should be different. I've tried all kinds of approaches with anger. Not terribly effective in my experience.
How about you?
Anger Is Not a Primary Response
A couple of interesting insights have showed up over the years regarding the anger I have felt, as well what I have noticed in working with others and their anger.
Have you ever been angry about something you don't care about? Careful, now - this could be a trick question. I have posed this question to thousands of people. Most, after considering the question for a few moments, realize that indeed, the only things they get angry about are things they care about.
After all, if you don't care, you simply do not care. As in, no caring. Doesn't matter. Zip.
I have learned that the often unspoken message in the anger has to do with how much something matters. For many, the underlying message in the anger goes something like this: if you cared about (me, others, the situation), you would be different (do it my way, not do it your way, etc).
It's as though the anger is supposed to make the situation change, or the other person behave differently. Sometimes it appears to work, at least in terms of intimidating someone else. Then there are all the other times.
While far from easy, I do my best these days to look past the anger and inquire into the caring. I try to approach the situation with this internal thought process: Clearly, this is upsetting to you and it matters deeply. What is it that is important to you here? Is there something that I'm doing that goes against what you care about?
Obviously, these pretend words are a bit clinical, but perhaps you get the idea. I'm trying to understand what's behind the anger. It's pretty difficult to deal with the emotion of anger in any meaningful way, yet if I can understand the underlying message of caring, there just may be something that I can address.
Have you ever been upset with your husband/wife/lover or other stranger, and then gone about your day "showing them" just how upset you are by remaining angry? Even when they're no longer present?
That's just great isn't it? They're supposed to be different because you're angry? Or at least they should feel punished by us staying angry? We've all heard the old saying about "stewing in your own juices." This is one version of stewing.
One of my favorite quotes, attributed to many, ranging from St. Augustine to Nelson Mandela, goes something like this: Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
I've previously shared a turning point in my life, on a strike line at UC Berkeley many years ago. I was hit by a tear gas canister, picked it up to throw it back (no one told me how hot a canister can be), and had a brief moment seemingly outside my body where I could see and hear myself. I was clearly very angry, and I heard myself screaming, "why don't you a**holes love us?"
Then, boom, right back in the old body. This time, with wave after wave of awareness washing over me: my message was one of peace, love and caring while my strategy was to yell, scream and throw things.
Are you trying to create a better life, experience or world through your anger? If so, what is it you care about so deeply that you would take that poison into yourself? What would you like to have change or be different? How could you work more directly or effectively to produce that kind of change?
Some good advice might be found from Alexander Solschenizyn who said something to the effect of: if you would put the world to rights, with whom would you begin? Yourself or others?
A great question, to be sure.
Of course, you could always come to the realization that the other person or situation will not change. Then you get a choice: accept what's present, change your reaction, or perhaps just leave.
Winston Churchill had an interesting thought on the subject. I'm pretty sure this will not pass the muster of historical context, but it's revelatory in some ways, with a twisted sense of humor:
Lady Nancy Astor to Churchill: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.Churchill's reply: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.
Russell Bishop is an Educational Psychologist, professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California. You can find out more about Russell at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com. Contact Russell by email at: Russell (at) lessonsinthekeyoflife.com
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Ronit Herzfeld: The Three Faces of Anger: Which One Is Yours?
In any case, keep 'em coming Russell; in a way, there is no more important conversation we could be having.
Since, there are many sources to anger -- challenge, disappoints, abuse, harm, not getting our way, damage, lies, and on and on. Being aware of ourselves and our feelings are necessary.
perhaps we'll chat later
One of the harder things to remember - especially in a passionate moment - is that we cannot change others, and certainly not the situation we find ourselves in. The only thing we *can* change, however, is our reaction to it.
This manner of changing one's perceptions is what taught me to live again after becoming partially disabled after a bad recovery from leg surgery in 2002. For years I wallowed in despair and depression - lamenting all I'd lost and would never be able to do. At some point, something just clicked in me...I couldn't say exactly what it was, but at some point I realized I could not change my predicament and that sorrowing over it did me not a wit of good.
Instead, albeit with difficulty and pain, I could still drive and go to work. Yes, I was limited but not completely, and instead of focusing on what I had lost in life and what I would never be able to do like everyone else, I instead began to focus on the positives - on the things I could still do and enjoy, on the fact that "it could always be worse". I became thankful rather than bitter, inspired rather than dejected.
The same goes for anger. You can only change your thoughts and actions; harboring anger at another because they won't change only hurts you, not them.
We have much to enjoy here but it also becomes a distraction and worse has created a sense of entitlement for many. Always looking for more, leaves you only looking for more. You had to do the opposite. Find more in less. Those who can find this are the fortunate.
This is what I have come to know; All of the love, beauty, wisdom and joy of all time is present within this very moment.
Keep looking as you have! You have found 'it' in my view. And there is so much more to follow!
In his landmark book on consciousness, "Power vs Force", Dr David Hawkins describes a major turning point in people's lives. It's the point where we go from unconscious and weak to being conscious with power. It comes when we stop giving our personal power away by blaming things external to us for our perceived problems. We cross the threshold of Courage - where we take full and complete responsibility for everything in our lives.
My own observation is we become more balanced in our response to what happens around us and to us. We become less ego-driven and controlling. We see the value of forgiveness. We see opportunities in adversity, opportunities for more growth.
Well done, skatoolaki, well done.
And unhappy husbands are more likely to suffer a stroke, another report claims.
Both stories are posted on Healthapalooza.com. Link below.
www.healthapalooza.com
http://www.healthapalooza.com
To be more emotionally comprehensive.....
I am trying to change the world with a whole heart of healthy emotion.
Animals have a flight or fight response. The default response is to flee, one only gets angry when boxed into a corner, with no other options. Then the fight response kicks in, to create options.
Humans, with our intellect and reason, are the only animals that can get angry when boxed into a conceptual corner. We get angry not just because we are directly threatened physically, but even when our concepts are threatened. When our identity, or self-image, is under attack, or when our values and ideals are bumping up against the hard walls of reality, then we get angry, too.
Existential Angst is the result of critical thinking. Higher level functions are jeopardized by emotional responses, and then we become confused, then we get angry at our self for our own weaknesses, and become self-destructive. Drugs, Alcohol, and other self-mutilation occurs.
We are at a cross-road, where people can change the world for better or worse depending upon their individual decisions, and those decisions depend upon their understanding of the world. With so much ignorance, an willful self-destruction, activists and do-gooders are frustrated that others don't share their enlightened understanding of the holistic nature of the world.
I drank that poison, the other person died an untimely death... from his own guilt. There is a gray area between passive forgiveness and violent revenge. Anger can motivates one to reveal an injustice. Demanding that a vile injustice be acknowledged does change things and affects the perpetrators of the injustice in ways you may never know.
I struggle with being mindful of my thoughts on a daily basis, and changing the ones that don't serve me and my community. I believe I'm making progress. Slow progress, but progress.
Being passive does not always make people the better person, in being passive one can enable great wrongs to be done. Anger - Rage -------- passive - non passive.
Remember Christ turned the tables of the money changers over when they defiled the temple, people cannot always be sheep or the wolves take over. People need to understand the emotion of anger, and stop being afraid of being human and having emotions. Rage is wrong - overt or covert rage.
Here's a couple of additions/adjustments:
Non-violence is different from peace. Being against violence is still against-ness.
Remember, anger comes from caring, so if one can recognize the anger, then recognize the caring, there will be something positive upon which to act. Toward peace rather than against violence as an example. I am far from passive; my passion stems from my caring, and I do my best to act on the caring in a positive, effective manner.
Personally, I have found that acting out of my caring in a more direct manner is infinitely more effective than acting out of anger.
Blessings to you.
by the time someone has done something that gets me angry
they have shown that caring is the last thing that matters to them
I need only to care about defending myself.
Anger does not come from caring, but caring allows awareness of anger. At best a catayst for it's release. Jesus, it is said by some was not angry at the money changers. It was out of compassion for the people that he acted strongly. It was not anger but caring. They can be confused but one is the expression of Love and the other is the release of blockages to the experience of Love.
When we feel and/or express emotions like anger, hatred, judgments, prejudice and so forth (the ego-based emotions), it weighs upon the soul, making it heavier.
When we feel and/or express emotions like forgiveness, gratitude, compassion, humility, etc, it also weighs upon the soul, making it lighter.
According to the Egyptian theory, when we die, our soul is weighed against a feather. If it weighs the same or less than the feather we are free to move on into higher realms of existence and learning. If our soul's weight exceeds that of the feather we come back here again, and again, until we've learned the lessons of life in this realm of existence.
Interesting...thanks.
Those who cop out and want to feel happy all the time are emotional free loaders.