Many of you already are incredibly loving, and for your grace, caring and loving, I am grateful. With this short introductory article, I'm imagining beginning a conversation over the next few weeks, asking what would life be like if we were more loving and caring with one another.
Last week, we seemed to trigger a lively discussion by posing the question, Are You Trying to Change the World Through Anger? One of the more gratifying aspects of the discussion was the high level of caring and thoughtful interchange between readers. We saw an usually low level of "below the belt" criticisms and ad hominem attacks aimed at commenters and their responses. I would love to see more of this kind of considerate and mindful exchange extended to one another, at least within the confines of the Living section, if not life itself.
Too often these pages reverberate with vitriolic recriminations, one accusing the other of anything from simply being wrong (with great self-righteousness), to being vile, ignorant or otherwise worthless. Last week, we seem to have opened up something more akin to a genuine dialogue for which I am extremely grateful.
I acknowledge that for the most part, even the recriminating comments can arise from a level of caring. Clearly, if they didn't care, they wouldn't have bothered to comment in the first place. However, it can be difficult to separate the caring from the anger or vitriol in which it is cloaked.
As I was reading through the string of comments in preparation for today's article, I was struck by another aspect of caring that might be good to explore: that of loving. As readers exchanged comments with one another, often with differing points of view, I saw evidence of what I would call loving. The form of loving I'm talking about has little to do with the emotional, romantic or affectionate sense that most will take from the term.
Instead, this form of loving demonstrates a kind of caring and consideration that reaches out, and continues to reach out, even when the other may not be receptive at first. This is not the kind of "push-back" that insists on being right; rather, it is a form of genuine exchange, respecting the other point of view, offering alternative thought, and yet still being open to a meaningful, learning exchange.
Merriam-Webster offers a couple of interesting insights into the word loving. The first definition in their online dictionary is "affectionate" while the second is "painstaking." They cite common synonyms for loving which include tender, kind, caring, warm, gentle, sympathetic, and considerate. Merriam-Webster also tells us that painstaking means "the action of taking great pains" or "diligent care and effort" when doing something.
Diligent care and effort - doesn't that sound like something for which we are in relatively short supply these days? What if our politicians exercised diligent care and effort and actually debated issues such as the economy, jobs and healthcare? How might it benefit us if we actually focused on caring about both people and the issues more than political power and position?
Can you imagine a loving politician? Perhaps not. And, yet, we will never get there if we can't find a way to become more loving ourselves, especially in our relationships with one another.
Imagine what life might be like if we experienced more day-to-day interactions that were characterized by kindness, caring and consideration. What if our first reactions to misunderstanding or disagreement were reactions of outreach and inquiry, of seeking to understand rather than the defensive or aggressive backlash that has become so commonplace in our society?
How can you imagine being more loving in your daily life? Not just with family and friends, but with co-workers, people on the subway, or just plain old strangers? What might loving look like? Certainly it doesn't have to mean some kind of gooey, syrupy, maudlin interaction. In fact, a loving interaction might be quite focused, perhaps even sharp at times.
However, the kind of sharp I'm talking about here is more of the intellectually acute variety and less of the kind that cuts or wounds. How do you disagree without becoming disagreeable? Can you imagine a loving exchange that is also one of disagreement or opposing points of view?
Approaching life from at attitude of loving and caring is fundamental to what I have been writing about the past couple of years for the Huffington Post. I am persuaded that loving and caring can be extraordinarily powerful and practical, and yet leading a life of loving and caring can be quite challenging.
Of course, we have all witnessed people claiming to be loving and caring who can't seem to handle the practical side of life very effectively. We have also bumped into those willing to use a loving and caring façade as a form of deception to further their own self interests.
I would love to hear from you about your thoughts and experiences in living life from a place of loving and caring. What works for you? How does it work? What are the pitfalls? Where must you be vigilant? What do you do when the other person is far from loving or caring?
Please do leave a comment here or drop me a note at my email address listed below.
Russell Bishop is an Educational Psychologist, professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California. You can find out more about Russell at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com. Contact Russell by email at: Russell (at) lessonsinthekeyoflife.com
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One of the factors that arise is to allow others to be who they are and not what I want them to be.
To let go of - if they just were .... then I would love them more..
Big Love,
Ed
Bravo! Perfect subject as usual, 3 years ago I wrote a paper about this in Paris, where I live now, and called it "try to be more civilized' because here, as soon as you step in the street, people shout, groan, growl, grunt and grumble all the time and they love complaining, automatically and being right!!
One of the sentence I was stuck with for a while was ‘Pain is the price you pay for resisting love” and I eventually got the lesson: Stop resisting! Waou what a leap change.
Things change and I’m just starting to say “well let’s do more “loving”” now, I choose my targets. Some can’t get the message here.
And, as I love bridges, and since one thing I do all the time is marrying US culture and French one, I know beautiful bridges are out there, and we just need to try them ;-)
Avec toute ma gratitude et ma reconnaissance
Sandrine Priou
When I first embarked on A Quest for the Ultimate Lifestyle, I had just undergone an incredible transformational experience - I finally found the courage to deal with my past and released myself from all that old energy - my heart was open and bursting with love for the world, and it showed! Everyone would get a warm hug hello - there were no facades to hide behind which allowed me to connect soul to soul with others. I was the epitome of love and caring!
Living a life from this energy changed my life in a different way - countless upon countless people come to confide in me - something I feel honored about. They see what I have / what person I have become / what lifestyle I live now, and they want that too.
There are no pitfalls to living a life from a place of love and caring. Absolutely none. You attract good things, and good people into your life and it opens you up to helping others as well. It enriches your life and is arguably the optimum state of being to live.
Thanks for a great article.
Peace and much love
Lara
http://ultimatelifestyleproject.com/follow-your-heart-1
Wearing my proverbial heart on my sleeve is not for me.
I am a strong believer in action and I have learned over the years that action is not always a physical "doing". Meditating and sending spiritual greetings and comfort from our heart-light is just as powerful, perhaps even more so than mere words which are unable to encompass heartfelt feelings. Physical and spiritual "actions" go hand in hand.
Disrespect is such an obvious lack of love of the other and I'm not sure if people realise that that's why they feel so hurt by it.
I have come to accept that I am a loving and caring person with my own way of showing it. An attentive ear, a big hug, a good "talking to" when the occasion warrants it, letting go, being present for the other and allowing them to be, that's love. A smile works great too.
Simple eye contact with a store attendant or anyone who's providing a service says "I see you and acknowledge you as a person of worth"; a compliment or positive feedback to cut thru the BS, and straight talk "I love you and will be here for you but I'm not putting up with your shit" works wonders too.
This is how I live my life now. And for myself, being compassionate when I screw up - often - and when I doubt myself. That's loving.
Thank you.
~Mother Teresa
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That's what the money changers said to Jesus as he chased 'em from the Temple.
And what the Wall St bankers said to Obama as he chewed them out, too.
Here's a comment from a reader that came to my email account:
Had I been the person I am now, I'd still be married to my ex-husband, my daughter's father---I'd still be employed at a decent job---and I'd have the education I always wanted. Nevertheless, I am who I am now and I have what I have now. The biggest reason is that I have given up the idea that I have to be right. Criticism doesn't work. I know better than most that it doesn't. What has worked and is still working is loving remarks, loving touches, and smiles. If something is bothering me, I tell the person without rancor or irritation. If I am wrong, I apologize immediately. If I am right, I don't have to trumpet it around town. I learned these lessons the hard way by suffering through alcoholism and entering recovery and staying in recovery. My entire personality has changed from the critical, snide, manipulative, angry, and dishonest person I once was. My relationships with people, whether they be loved ones or co-workers or casual acquaintances, have all been improved and in some cases, transformed. That is my experience. I strive to love more and more each day. I have been blessed with a wonderful mate, a man who is kind, considerate, smart, and honest. My relationships with family have been healed. Love is the answer.
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Blessings to you.
RB
I love your posts- they are inspiring and thoughtful and come from an honest place of caring. You seem to really just want to share your own insight so as to help others. I thank you for that.
Recently another blogger posted about gratitude:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-baraz/frame-it-with-gratitude_b_484722.html?show_comment_id=41504379#comment_41504379
I think that taking stock of what is going well in one's life is a great place to start in order to create the loving and caring mindset.
Thank you for bringing love into our discussion. Many of us believe that providing and/or including healthy, loving and respectful touch into our relationship with others is one of our best health practices for improving the quality of our lives health and relationships.
Blessings to you!
RB
Jerry
It's about time to start hating your enemy. Caring really worked out for the Arawak Indians huh? You want things done, better buy a sword.
good one!
fanned.
Perhaps your limited perspective can not really see the long term effects of the Arawak Indians? Maybe the fruits of their actions simply haven't arisen yet? There is so much we don't know about how these things work.