How to Know What You Truly Want

Why do we seem to struggle so often to get what we think we want, only to be disappointed once it shows up? My experience suggests that most of us don't have a clear picture of what we truly want and what it will do for us if we get it.

I have asked literally thousands of people the "what do you want" question. For the most part, people can list all kinds of things they want. Cars, houses, money, and toys of all sorts frequently come up. Relationships, kids, travel, adventure, and good health also make the most frequently cited list.

Consider completing the left hand column of the table which follows. I have labeled the left hand column "symbols" to represent the things people often focus on in their life pursuits. "If only I had (a certain amount of) money." Or the right house, new car, better job, etc. The point here is to delineate as truthfully as you can, that which you find yourself focusing on in life, those things you want or want more of. These things go in the left hand column.

From here, spend a little time in reflection on the question, "Why do I want those things?" "What do I hope will be true if I have the (job, money, house, etc)?" A slightly more refined question would be, "what experience am I looking for"- if I only had the right car, house, money, etc, what would I then be experiencing?"

Take the money question for a moment. Most people I have worked with say they want more money. When I ask them why, or what more money would do for them, I usually hear what they could do with more money. Buy the house, car, etc frequently come out. However, I then ask them to think a bit more deeply on the question of experience. "What positive experience or experiences would you associate with having more money?"

From here, the answers become more interesting. "If I had more money, then I would experience . . ." Greater Freedom. Security. Peace of mind. Sense of power or accomplishment. Success.

If you were to answer the question yourself, what answers would you find? If you think about it and then place those experiences that you are seeking in the right hand column, it might look something like this:

In the example here, money is one answer to the question "What do you want?" If we ask what positive experience is associated with having enough money, we may find that the person wants greater freedom, security and peace of mind. We can then ask: "Do you know anyone with a lot of money who doesn't have much freedom, security or peace of mind?" Howard Hughes would be a classic example of someone who had loads of cash and not much freedom, security or peace of mind.

Of course, you can always ask the question the other way around. "Do you know anyone who does not have much money and yet experiences freedom, security and peace of mind?" Mother Theresa would have been an example on this side of the coin.

And, just to keep it real, there are people with lots of money who are free, secure and at peace and those without money who aren't free, secure and at peace. So the question becomes one of how do I produce that which I really want? which I want?

Eric Hoffer, the longshoreman philosopher is often quoted as having said: "You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy. Sometimes, he is quoted as saying, "You can never get enough of what you don't really need."

If I am after the experience of being secure, free and at peace, is there any amount of money (or house, or car, or perfect relationship) that will produce the experiences I seek?

The obvious implication here is "NO!"

So, what do I truly want and how do I produce it? Is it the symbols of life that I truly want or is it more likely to be the experiences found in the right hand column?

If you are like me, the answer is "BOTH!"

So, play with this a little. If what you want is freedom, peace of mind, security, a sense of fullness or completion, and you have freedom, peace of mind, security, and a sense of fullness or completion in your life, would it matter how much money you have?

Wait a minute. Is this a trick question?

Well, yes and no. What I have found is that the more I focus on the positive experiences I want out of life, not only do I tend to produce those more frequently, but also the easier it is to produce the "things" found on the left hand side of the equation. Strangely, focusing on money hasn't made me any more secure or free, yet focusing on producing freedom and security has made it easier to create material success to go along with those inner qualities of success.

Again, have you ever really, really wanted something, worked hard on getting it, got it and then found you weren't any happier? If so, my suggestion would be to spend more time focusing on creating what you really want--those items in the right hand column. After all, can you ever get enough of what you don't really want?

In subsequent articles, we will explore how to produce more of what you truly want out of life.

Comments

[Jonahson]

Fortune cookies read, "One cannot step on two boats at the same time."

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

What a great fortune cookie! I learned this years ago as a zen philosophy about trying to follow two teachers at the same time, only the metaphor was about trying to cross a river while riding two horses. Same idea to be sure.

In my coaching work, I often find people struggling with how to get ahead in life by trying to work in areas where they hold conflicting beliefs. This will definitely be the subject of a future post.

Thanks for the fortune cookie! There really isn't anything new in life is there? Just new to me.

[Jonahson]

You are a humble person and I see strenght in being that.
Here's two more fortune cookies form you'

'Sometimes one has to unlearn to learn.'

'Humbleness is the door to greater wisdom.'

I hope it will be useful to you in your line of work.

[sekt88]

read "On Desire Why We Want What we Want" by William B. Irvine

[axt113]

My desires are actually very specific, I know what type of girl I want, exactly where I want to work and what I want to do, and exactly where I want to live, the issue for me is getting from where I am now, to reaching those goals

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Indeed, gaining clarity on what you want is important, and especially important is clarity about why you want it. Take relationships for example: let's suppose someone were looking for a relationship so they would become happy or fulfilled. If happy and fulfilled come AFTER the relationship, what is being brought TO the relationship? How attractive might that be? I'll post something later on the difference between the ends and the means, and how the ends can become the means.

The second part of your observation is equally important - how do we move from where we are to where we wish to be? Additional posts will dig into this under a couple of themes: Awareness, Choice, Reponse-Abilty and Accountability.

Stay tuned!

[Ranta]

Lay by the river and listen to it sing.
Siddhartha by Herman Hesse

[aceholiday]

applause

[swift goat pet for truth]

I truly want to win the Lotto.

Not necessarily a big one, just a medium sized one.

[forpeace]

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swift_goat­_pet_for_t­ruth
I truly want to win the Lotto.
===============

I don't even buy Lotto, but I like to win ........ lol.

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[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Cool. I wouldn't mind a winning Lotto ticket either. My problem is that I don't seem to by buying any tickets! Not that I'm proposing Lotto as a "ticket" to success, just that it's hard to win if you don't enter. In my coaching work, I often work with people who want something specific in life, yet they haven't entered the game by "buying the ticket." Thanks for the metaphor - I'll be sure to work with it downstream!

[apoyo]

I want peace.

[forpeace]

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apoyo
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Me TOO!

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[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Here Here! I remember a day on the strike lines at Berkeley when I found myself screaming, "Why don't you (bleeps) love us?" A sudden wave of realization came over me: my purpose had to do with love and peace, yet my strategy included yelling, screaming and throwing things! That quickly lead to the realization that one of the best ways I could encourage peace is to produce it in my daily life. Kind of Pollyanna in some ways, and yet from a place of peace, there may be an opportunity to influence the process of peace elsewhere. It's one of those old "part of the problem or part of the solution" things.

[AgentMacGyver]

Mother Teresa is not an example of pure peace of mind. Hitchens wrote a book or two about that.

[truthyguy]

To be 18 again.

[ShawnMichel]

Being a cog in the machine makes it impossible to know one's authentic wants. Being a brainwashed automaton only insures that you'll want what the machine wants you to want, which is how it plays out for 90 percent or more of the entire populace. Instead of quoting Hoffer, it would be far better to quote Fromm, who had a far greater handle on reality than Hoffer did.

With Peak Oil comes the crash of the consumptican way of life, which means, in effect, deprogramming from the machine as the harsh light of reality seeps in. This will be very, very unpleasant for most people, I daresay, which will only confuse their "wants" further.

[kimbari]

Peak Oil is just another Rapture. The people who yammer on about it seem to have the same self-righteous glee that some Christians have over God smiting the wicked.

Nobody has anything more than now.

[vmonter]

Get a motorcycle license and a gun license. Fun, security, peace of mind... oh yes!

Cars can get you into adventures, but so can tickets on a plane or train.

Staying away from women for a while will get you everything!

[NoMoreDrama]

Vmonter is on to the very first step. I know so many men who are miserable because they try to get a woman, or the "things" a woman wants, or the "things" a woman is looking for a man to have. Cut the woman out of the equation and things are much simpler and happiness is easier to achieve. My Uncle would always yell "Get HAPPY!" to his bickering kids, and he was a totally miserable prick. Once you know exactly what makes you happy, within your means, the woman thing sorts itself out. And those around you respond to your quiet satisfaction.

[EliDavidson]

In my coaching practice, I find that what most want is to be happy. Happiness can come in many different ways. For some, it is material items; something tangible. For others, it can be a walk on the beach or a great workout.
I also find that the more you "want" the less happy you are. The little things in life start to bug you. One can't enjoy life or be happy when one is constantly trying to get your "wants".
We need to concentrate on what we "need". If all our needs are fulfilled the rest is all icing on the cake!