Is there something in your life that you would like to see improve in some way? That could be anywhere from fixing something that is negative over to simply going from good to even better; from digging out of debt, getting a job, finding a more loving and caring relationship, becoming a more loving and caring person yourself, getting rid of the job you do have in favor of something better, to simply learning how to enjoy what you already have.
Clearly, there is any number of conditions in which you may find yourself ranging from fantastic to horrific. The question simply comes down to how satisfied you are with your current experience of life and what can you do about it.
Notice the question isn't about how much you have of anything in particular, but one of your level of satisfaction with what you have. And what can you do about it?
From time to time, people ask me what I do for a living. Depending on the circumstance and context of the question, I can answer in a variety of ways. Sometimes the answer is that I am an author, an educational psychologist, a management consultant, or a coach.
My favorite answer: I help people get what they think they want as fast as possible so I can ask, "Was that it?"
I'll bet you've been there; in fact, some of you may be there right this very minute. Did you ever want something, really long for it, work your butt off to get it and then wind up wondering why you ever wanted it in the first place? Again, most of us know what this is like first hand.
What makes this so interesting in my work is that people seem to want and need a combination of both. Surely physical circumstances make a difference and yet people can have "everything" and still find themselves wanting at several levels.
You Can Never Get Enough of What You Don't Truly Want
Eric Hoffer, the longshoreman philosopher is often quoted as having said: "You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy. Sometimes, he is quoted as saying, "You can never get enough of what you don't really want." Same thing, really.
If I am after the experience of being secure, free and at peace, is there any amount of money (or house, or car, or perfect relationship) that will produce the experiences I seek?
The obvious implication here is "NO!" People have been happy with next to nothing, miserable with all there is, and everywhere in between.
So, what is it that you want out of life and what's in the way? If your answer is on the material side of things (money, house, car, etc) and what's in the way is someone else (Bush, bankers, greedy capitalists), then we have a real dilemma. Especially if you have lost your job, house, car and most everything on the material levels of life.
Surely, there are many of us in trouble, having lost everything due to circumstances ranging from hurricanes and oil spills to manipulated financial systems. I know a bit of what it means to have lost everything having come through a period earlier in my life when I wound up living in my second hand car after my father died and our family went through our third bankruptcy in 10 years.
However, I was quite fortunate that in the midst of my turmoil while literally living on a dollar a day, I got some great coaching from some equally great people who encouraged me to take responsibility for my circumstances, figure out what I wanted to do about them, get off my poor-me mindset and get busy.
Of the many profound lessons I learned at the time, one stands out right now: how you frame the issue is the issue. This can also be stated as, how you frame the problem is the problem.
If you're out of work right now, and your mindset is that some dirty, greedy SOB is to blame, you may be right. The only problem with this framing is that as long as you stay focused on those dirty SOB's , you will continue to be at the mercy of SOB's who may not care all that much about your circumstances.
If your life circumstances and how you experience them are going to change for the better, how will they get better? Who is going to be at the helm, guiding the change? There's no question that improved external factors can help; however, what are you going to do regardless of what happens out there?
Sooner or later, it's going to come down to you and what you choose to do.
If you read these HuffPost pages enough, you may slide into that group that has become so very good at blaming everyone else. Surely, we have no shortage of culprits to blame, ranging from oil companies to bankers to misguided politicians.
However, we have always had culprits to blame. The real question comes down to what are you going to do about it? And, in particular, what are you going to do about it as it pertains to your circumstances.
If you frame the problem as something that somebody else created, then as surely as you are a victim of what somebody else did to screw things up, you will remain a victim to the next set of screw-up's.
What would happen if you reframed the problem as something that not only impacts you, but as something about which you can exercise some choice? I hope you have noticed that even as the job situation continues to be "bleak," some folks have managed to find their way through all of this, finding jobs, opportunities, and ways to make things better, even if only marginally.
How would you have to frame the situation in order to make things even marginally better? What could you do that might take even the smallest of steps forward? Is there anything at all that you could do that might help, even in the slightest?
Of course, the cynics out there will decry these questions with all their usual pablumesque rejoinders about drivel, etc. However, if you are going to experience any improvement whatsoever, sooner or later it is going to come down to you to get off your assets and do something about your current condition.
It's going to be pretty difficult to find that job if you don't go looking; it's going to be pretty difficult to improve that strife-filled relationship if you don't look at your own role in it; it's going to be pretty difficult to improve damn near anything if you don't start with the assumption that it can improve and that you do something about it.
Sure, small improvements are only small improvements. However, how does anyone ever get better without taking those first micro steps? And if things only improve marginally for the time better, are you better off doing nothing or doing what you can?
If you don't like this advice, then don't take it and see just how much things change for you as you sit there blaming everybody else out there for your situation.
Once again, there's no question in my mind that you will be right. There are many to blame; the only problem seems to be that blaming somehow isn't sufficient to change anything.
What can you do to help your own situation? What will you do?
More to come next week. In the meantime, please do leave a comment here or drop me an email and let me know how this strikes you.
Russell Bishop is an Educational Psychologist, author, professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California. You can find out more about Russell at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com. Contact Russell by email at: Russell (at) lessonsinthekeyoflife.com
Follow Russell Bishop on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_Bishop
Russell Bishop: Would You Rather Criticize, Complain or Create?
I have a job interview tomorrow with the local Chamber of Commerce in my town and am frightened, excited and nervous. can I do a 40 hour work week, am I taking a job from a younger person with a family to raise? These are the things that make me nervous.
Then I realize I am still a very capable, intelligent woman with years of experience behind me of managing the entire lives of 3 other people and getting them through some tough times.
I see this as another step on the ladder of life and hope I can continue to grow in mind and spirit and maybe make some one's day a little brighter.
For some time I had allowed the job to run me - rather than my running it - and I was feeling pretty ragged. In fact I was downright depressed, waking up each morning grimacing as I wondered what fires I'd have to put out that day. In contrast the service director was always very positive, even though he definitely had a plate full of problems too.
One day I asked him, "How do you manage to stay so upbeat in the midst of all this adversity?"
His response was, "Each day brings a new and unique set of problems, but in those problems lie opportunities, even if they're opportunities to simply learn something."
I was struck by the power in this simple mantra and decided to make it my own, repeating it every morning upon waking. Within two weeks everything changed. I was having fun addressing the challenges and learning a great deal also. My attitude affected the people around me and they were having fun too.
Life can be a bowl of cherries or a bag of s**t. It all depends on your attitude.
Regarding the title, I love it. So much of what we do, try to do, or don't do is related not to problems for which we do not have the answers, but to problems that we do not know enough about so as to even be able to ask intelligent questions. Before the advent of the invention of electricity less than 200 years ago, for instance, nearly all of the questions related to that field were beyond our ability to even frame. Likewise, in the field of "paranormal" experiences, we do not yet know enough to be able to frame intelligent questions for further study.
Regarding blaming others for our problems, that is just part of human nature. Many times in discussions with young people who complained about not having jobs that paid what they wanted, I found that they would disparage good paying jobs because they involved too much labor and/or training. Man of us want the fruits of money, but do not want to come by it through honest hard work, intelligently applied.
I learned that to build a house all you have to do is hammer one nail into one board at a time. When you have done enough boards and nails, you have a house. It is easy to do anything when you break it down into single small steps.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/04/daniel-kahneman-nobel-pri_n_601236.html
Similarly: check out neuro-linguistic programming.
Here's a hint: avoid starting with asking "why?"
Better questions revolve around the solution-path:
"How can I improve this situation?"
"What would it take?"
"How have other people accomplished that in the past?"
"Who can I ask for help, ideas, or guidance?"
"Where should I go to make this happen?"
"How should I schedule the steps I need to take?"
"How can I raise the funds to make this happen?"
Etc.
Save "why?" for ruminating later. There is seldom a definitive answer to that one, only opinions.
For someone who questions what are the common beliefs, it does not matter whether one starts a question with How, What, Where, When, or Why, only that one is willing to be inquisitive about the world around them.
Some of us are simply observing and trying to sort it all out. Others are offering opinions based upon observation and other factors. Some see themselves as being along for the ride, with everything happening "to" them and all of it caused by some external source. Some see life as a procession of choices. Some live in the past, some in the moment, some are focused on the future.
There are those who follow their own inner guidance. Often they're asking questions in seeking that guidance. Many of the responders to this article are sharing what they found and the actions they took as a result of listening to that inner voice.
We are all of these people at one time or another, and will react to our environment in a myriad of different ways depending on which person we choose to be in the moment we respond.
If we were to really sit down and think about it, we would find there are many, many shades of gray between the stark polarities of black and white.
It's a matter of perception. Once we begin to realize that whatever is happening is happening "in here" rather than "out there" we can choose to take responsibility and stop placing blame on things external to ourselves. Once you take responsibility for everything in your life the excuses cease entirely. You really start to understand that life is a series of opportunities for personal growth, and how you choose to handle the challenges that arise will determine how much you grow.
The meaning of life is how you handle the lessons.
I also dislike hearing that someone is jealous of another person - for example, my brother is jealous of me that I have a Master's degree and some business certifications to my name. Well, if you want those things, then do what you can to start the process of getting them. If you don't want those things then why are you complaining that I have them and you don't? Why waste time and energy being jealous and a complainer?
The big take-away for me was that my life was my responsibility and that I could choose how to live. Talk about small steps! Nevertheless, over the years I have helped raise an amazing daughter, achieved many of my goals, and like myself more each year.
The people and situations that held me back are not important--the steps I took to move into a life I loved were.
'Sure, small improvements are only small improvements. However, how does anyone ever get better without taking those first micro steps? And if things only improve marginally for the time better, are you better off doing nothing or doing what you can?' How true.
How will you know when you have arrived?
In talking about a thoroughbred, you do not admire his strength, but admire his temper. - Confucius justonequestionaday.com
"...at rock bottom, simply a capacity for awareness."
Jean Shinoda Bolen--Penny Whistle Story
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtsMx_GvAaE
To be sure, others always impact your life, but sometimes we "set things up" to permit that impact in the first place. His purpose was to persuade people to explore themselves for contributing factors, AS IF they each were solely responsible for the outcome. While that is not factually the case most of the time, "self" is the only person under your immediate control every day.
As an experiment, when I had tooth filled between the two 'est' weekends, I said "No Novocaine" and then just experienced the various sensations. It was so weird. The more I relaxed the less I felt it although it never did hurt. I still do that to this day, sometimes falling asleep in the dentist's chair.
Of course, there are still a lot of other areas where I haven't been willing or able to experience something fully but I work at it. It's a very useful tool.