Life Sucks And It's Society's Fault
Over the past few weeks, hundreds of you have commented on this series of articles, some with thanks, some with criticism, and some just plain missing the point.
So let's try being more blunt: if you want a better experience of life, live it!
Notice I did not say, "if you want more things out of life, go get them." I'm talking about the quality of your life experience, and not the quantify of toys you can accumulate. Contrary to the bumper sticker, the person who dies with the most toys does not necessarily win - unless, of course, you may be talking about winning the booby prize.
So many people seem to still be stuck on the measuring stick of the material--how much do you make, how much do you have in the bank, what kind of house do you have, what kinds of electronics do you own, where do you go on vacation, and all manner of physical world things.
Even more amazing to me is how many keep trying to blame some euphemistic society for their ills, and, in particular, the American society for having instilled in them the focus on things vs. quality of experience.
Measure Your Quality of Life by Quality of Experience, not by Quantity of Possessions
If you happen to have succumbed to the "Madison" avenue, TV version of success, then sure, you can blame the advertisements, the TV shows and the greedy bankers if you want. It still comes down to who drank the Kool-Aid, not who made the Kool-Aid.
So come on now: how about some modicum of reality here: Are you responsible for your choices or not? If not, you can stop reading this article and any others that follow. This work is not for you if you are looking for someone to blame. This work is for you if you are willing to acknowledge that you are the one making the choices, and that if life experience is going to improve, it will come down to choices you make today, tomorrow and the next day.
Here's an example of the societal conundrum (and please, I'm not trying to jump on anyone here, least of all the author of this email. This person had the courage to write and my experience suggests that being willing to talk about the issue is the first major step forward):
I just read your (article) and I agree with what you said. But my question to you is, how can you truly live the life you want to live when our society doesn't support it? What I mean is that if it were not for the need of money, and so much of it, in order to live decently would not their be more dreams being fulfilled without having to worry about being able to pay your bills? I am 41yrs old and every day I am constantly in my head trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, all the while knowing that what I want to do, which is to be able to experience all the things of interest to me for however long and still get paid a decent salary in which to live a modest life, all the while not feeling like some sort of failure because I didn't live up to societies brainwashing of what success is or responsibility for that matter. I just want to be free to LIVE life and not have to end up on the street in order to do that. So again tell me how can I make my dream come true? - KJ
KJ's note is great! KJ has provided a foundation upon which we can begin to make some of this clear. Let's dissect the note, line by line:
"How can you truly live the life you want to live when our society doesn't support it?" Society? Which society? Who is this society and how did it come to have the power to decide what you can choose for your own life. Assuming we aren't talking about a life of mayhem, robbery and murder, you can pretty much find hundreds, if not thousands or millions of different approaches to life, each of them chosen by the person following the lifestyle. My suggestion: start by figuring out what you would like to support in your own life. From there, you just might begin to discover choices you can make that will move you toward what you truly want.
"What I mean is that if it were not for the need of money, and so much of it, in order to live decently would not their be more dreams being fulfilled without having to worry about being able to pay your bills?" What does "decently" mean? I know of people with no bills who still worry, and those with huge bills who also worry. Vice versa as well. For some, good enough never is. Of course, the underlying premise here is the main culprit. KJ has accepted the notion that a decent life is one that can be bought. My suggestion: focus on the quality of experience, not the quantity of possessions.
"I am constantly in my head trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, all the while knowing that what I want to do, which is to be able to experience all the things of interest to me for however long and still get paid a decent salary in which to live a modest life, all the while not feeling like some sort of failure because I didn't live up to societies brainwashing of what success is or responsibility for that matter." Probably the most obvious challenge here is with the phrase, "experience all the things of interest to me." Not only does KJ want to pursue things in life, KJ seems to blame "society" for his or her brainwashing. As I have written many times before, it all starts with awareness. In this case, KJ is aware that s/he has bought into something that doesn't work, and yet persists in trying to pursue it. My suggestion: start with your own awareness and begin to redefine your idea (ideals) of what a decent life could be. Remember, you can never get enough of what you don't really want.
"I just want to be free to LIVE life and not have to end up on the street in order to do that." Again, KJ seems to have confused living with having. My suggestion: work on gaining clarity about what living means to you, how you would experience living, and what would be true if you were actually doing that. From there, you can begin to make choices that will help you make progress toward your true aspirations.
"So again tell me how can I make my dream come true?" This one depends on what your dream might be. If it is a dream focused on possessing things, then perhaps that kind of dream is, for you, a nightmare. As before, what do you want out of life, really? My suggestion: stop complaining and start choosing.
One of our readers sent me an email with perhaps the simplest summation of all:
A group of us were playing the "if only" game - you know, if only I had a job, if only I had more money, etc. And the moderator of the group asked all of us "What are you going to do about it?" It dawned on me that I had a problem and it helped me to take control of my circumstances.
As we mentioned last week, sometimes it is enough to simply recognize what is present, determine what you might like to experience differently, and then get off your "buts" and do something about it. In my work over the years, I have often said that thought is not required, only action. That's a bit too simplistic in some ways, and yet there is great truth in this little aphorism. We'll explore this one in a future post.
Please do share your thoughts, comments and suggestions, either via the comments section below, or by emailing me directly.
Russell Bishop is an Educational Psychologist, professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California. You can find out more about Russell at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com. Contact Russell by email at: Russell (at) lessonsinthekeyoflife.com
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Oh my goodness Russel Bishop, YOU are the boss! Excellent post my man.
This line really sums it up for me "... sometimes it is enough to simply recognize what is present, determine what you might like to experience differently, and then get off your "buts" and do something about it. In my work over the years, I have often said that thought is not required, only action."
I tied myself in knots sometimes when my needs and wants pulled me in opposite directions. As a single woman, I'm always conscious of my financial security. There's never enough money even when I'm aware it's the fear factor talking when I'm thinking in the wrong direction.
My "need" is what makes me feel great; the wants are material and temporary. I therefore had to find a way of doing what I loved and get paid for it.
So I scared the crap out of myself by leaving my job of 17 years. There was no choice. I had to leave the expense accounts, the long-haul business class trips, etc. behind because I was only happy when I was travelling which was 50% of the time. The money just wasn't worth it.
I'm finally starting to live a glorious life which I never would have thought possible two years ago. So yes, I confirm that it is all doable. We have to decide what's important to us.
Your posts are always a treat. Thank you.
See Russell Bishop's Profile
And my heartfelt thanks to you, LifeChange. I suspect you are going to love the next post. I appreciate your support and hope others will listen to the truth of what you have to share here.
blessings to you,
RB
I just happened to stumble across this article a moment ago, and i have to say that i am thrilled to read about something that i feel so strongly about. I am a 21 year old college student that has recently adopted a personal philosophy similar to the one you are discussing here. I have seen my parents go through the feelings that KJ expressed to you and have learned from them. Aside from the quote "Be the change you want to see in the world," i guide most of my decisions on health and life in general on the question, "how will i feel about this when i am 40, 50 or 60?" I want to live my one life to the fullest, and i look forward to reading more of your articles as motivational tools to help me accomplish that daunting and exciting task.
It is indeed wonderful to see this issue receive wide attention. Of course few are willing to forego the distractions, either positively or negatively valenced, that our, or any, social order provides.
Howard Hughes, at one time the richest man in the world, died at the age of 70 essentially of malnutrition and neglect, thus disproving two widely accepted maxims: "He who dies with the most toys wins." and "You can't be too rich nor too thin."
In my opinion it's an empirical question whether we are responsible for our actions or not. Neuroscience, physics and biology will eventually probably come to some understanding of free-will. I think it is an open scientific question whether it really is society's fault. It might turn out to be society's fault, it might genetics - it's probably a combination of both.
The more we understand about how the brain functions and what its structure is, and the more we understand how genetics and society build and change the brain, the less room there is for a freely independent "I" making decisions.
This is nothing new to Buddhist traditions, which teach that the "self" is an illusion.
I think that the problem is really more complicated. Over several years of teaching college English, I found that a majority of 18 year olds claimed to have no interests beyond being entertained. They had nothing they actively wanted to be doing. Given the option of reading anything they wanted for class, they preferred to read a default selection made by me. These students weren't against pursuing some alternative; they honestly didn't know of any. I always tried to encourage these students to explore their options, but they frequently resisted this encouragement because they were worried about wasting time, not graduating promptly, losing a job opportunity to someone who was more focused.
These are the people who get to age 40 and finally want to get off the treadmill and pursue their dreams. They have finally figured out an alternative.
How can individuals pursue their dreams if they don't have any? Sometimes one has to run in the rat race before gaining the drive necessary to envision an alternative.
But I wonder how many people who are in their 40's -- and who are resentful of the suckiness of their lives -- know what they would rather be doing?? It's all well and good to tell people to go out and pursue their dreams. But what if a person doesn't have any?
I was laid off from my cube and followed what I wanted - best thing I ever did. Life is not about money - you can always get money if you really look and don't turn your nose up at work. Even in this economy. Life is about bettering yourself as a person to the best of your ability and interacting with the world as it comes. YOU decide. No one else can decide or react for you.
Mortifyd - Absolutely agree with you.
There is a basic problem with your premise here, and that's the fact that a person needs a basic income to survive, and for many of us in this failed economy, just to acquire the basic necessities is an incredibly difficult task. You would probably say that to define yourself by your profession is an essential mistake, but some people really are defined by what they do. I've worked as a graphic artist for 25 years, but lost my job over a year ago and no one is hiring. I'm defined by my profession, because I have spent my entire adult life attempting to position myself as a working artist earning the minimum to survive in society. To have a rewarding life, certain necessities must be met, such as food, shelter and having enough to support your family. Due to economic pressure, I've lost my job, my house and my family. I currently work a non-skilled, minimum wage job, as that is all that is available. When you are a person who has spent their life pursuing a career out of a passion for the work, have an outstanding portfolio but can't even get a job interview, happiness or satisfaction are not part of the picture. I owned a house, now I can't even afford to rent my own apartment and live with relatives to survive, so tell me, how am I supposed to be happy when most days I can't find a reason to live?
I've been there. Sometimes we're just put in a position where all we can do is survive. After I had almost destroyed my life and lost everything to alcoholism, I found myself in a simple survival mode. I quit drinking and drugging and had a simple low paying job. I lived in a little room, had few friends, and no social life. I really didn't see any better future ahead. Years went by.
But for some reason I found myself growing happier as time went on. It was just inexplicable. I grew more accepting. I grew comfortable with myself. After a time I remarried, moved to a place we'd never been, and got a job where others really needed me. I didn't strive or struggle. Things just fell into place.
G-d blessed me. I don't know why.
Johnthesavage - I would say that YOU blessed you. The wise inner part of you knew what was in your best interests and because you were too tired to "fight" anymore, you stopped struggling and let go. That is why you came out on the other side.
You are a fabulous human being!
PartOfTheSolution,
I'm a graphic designer as well, and this is my greatest fear. I'm still employed but my wife was recently laid off and it's tough supporting a family on a graphic designer's salary. We sold our house, we are selling one of our cars and my wife went back to school. It's tough some days, but you have to hang in there. I get depressed too, especially when I have to slave all day working for corporations that I despise just to make enough money to pay rent and eat. Are you sure you want to continue to pursue a career in graphic design? I know you said your passionate about it, but are you really passionate about creating logos and brochures for corporations? Why not create art for yourself? Put that passion on canvas. People will sometimes recognize that passion and have an appreciation for it that you could find rewarding. Maybe you could just try freelancing? It's not as stable as a corporate job, uh well, layoffs notwithstanding, but you have more freedoms. If you are really stuck, try something different. If I get laid off I'm not going to look for a job in this industry again. Life's too short for this crap. Anyway, POTS, it's ok to be depressed, but don't let it beat you!
I'm a living example that the 'free-lance' work can really turn into something great. I was laid off 12 years ago and started freelancing to help pay the bills until I got a "real" job. It ended up turning into a thriving business with 14 employees. The day I got laid off was the worse day of my life (I thought), it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. GO FOR IT !!!
I tried to make a distinction by referring to myself as a graphic artist, not graphic designer. I've already decided I don't want to do logos and meaningless work for rapacious corporations, the very entities that caused this economic mess. But this is a particularly bad time to start a freelance business. I have 3 clients that I work for but that only adds up to about 20 hours per month. I wish i could say i have faith that things will pick up, but I believe the economic meltdown was a specific plan of the ultra rich and I seriously doubt things will return to normal in my lifetime.
I've devoted myself to an anti-corporate direction in my work and will continue until my last breath. If you're interested, my work is posted at
http://www.tatersandgators.com
Fascinating discussion. There is one great equalizer in this whole equation and it's called...CHOICE. Before one comments on an article like this, they must do a self agonzing appraisal of the choices they have made during their life that got them to this point. Did you make bad financial choices? Did you choose not to persue a formal education? While you were in high school did you study and prepare yourself to go to college? Did you marry your spouse for their looks or what they could bring to the table? When offered opportunities to look at ways to make more money, did you turn it down without finding out more about it?
The beautiful thing about choice is that from this point on we can make better choices. Based on what we done in the past, it may be difficult, but it can be done. The first choice we need to decide on is that we will stop blaming others for our situation. There's an old saying that says the books you read and the people you associate with will have a big influence on where you'll be 5 years from now. Who are your current associations? If there are people that come here from other countries and make it, certainly we who were born here don't have a lot of excuses. Are you willing to pay the same price as some of our immigrant brothers and sisters? Time will tell.
I loved your direct approach....................in your article it helped clarify many issues.
I got off my butt today and took action and I was rewarded by a positive outcome
Best wishes
There's only two things in life that I consider worth pursuing. One, personal development ("Become the one you are"). Two, personal relations (with friends, family and significant others).
And while we attempt to develop ourselves and our relations, it's just become increasingly difficult to not get distracted, whether by culture (pleasure or fear), or by needs that aren't truly needs.
The only real way to get past this (which is a battle you have to fight for the rest of your life to a varying degree) is to be responsible. Though it helps tremendously to be responsible for a good cause, and to keep that cause in mind as much as possible. What that is for each of us differs, of course, but it is still important.
E + R = O
Event + Reaction = Outcome.
In the case of an event (flat tire), how you react to it (anger, helplessness, acceptance) = how the outcome will be. bad mood, depressed or relief it wasn't on the highway.
If we look at each event and consider our reaction, the result will be dependant on you and your reaction. We have the power in our lives to be either reactive or proactive. We can choose to be angry and accept all the bad feelings it brings or we can be more like the willow tree and bend. Society does not have control over how you react-only you do!
Namaste'
The other thing that's kinda funny with this article is that the whole thing is caveat against our modern materialistic society. He seems to be saying that if we, all of us individuals who make up this society, stopped all our endless greedy covetousness, we would get what we want out of life. And he's right, if ALL of us stopped, we wouldn't having others stealing behind our backs or making it difficult for our fellow human beings. But if SOME of us stop, it's a tooth and nail fight to get what you want. You do it, or you don't, but if you do, you do it with tenacity and ferocity. THAT is a difficulty NOT talked about in this article.
“So let's try being more blunt: if you want a better experience of life, live it!”
As the Wizard of Oz once succinctly observed. Heart size is not measured by how much someone loves. But rather, by how much that someone is loved.
“I know of people with no bills who still worry, and those with huge bills who also worry.”
It is said that when you owe the bank a hundred dollars, you tend to worry.
But when you owe the bank a hundred million dollars, they tend to worry.
“some sort of failure because I didn't live up to societies brainwashing”
Then stop sending your brain out to be washed. If it needs washing, wash it yourself.
I grew up in the United States: born in D.C., moved to Denver, Houston, Pittsburgh, New Jersey, Brooklyn, western Massachusetts.
it wasn't until i enrolled in a Ph.D program with quite a few colleagues from many international countries that I heard the phrase, "Americans are the most depressed people I've ever met." It's something I hear from people who come from Latin America, Asia, Africa, and sometimes Europe. Most of the people who say this are from the "third world," or "developing" countries.
I think we are so depressed because we are so obsessed with maximizing happiness. Whether it's through phony personal responsibility/progress narratives like the one in this article, or through "material things."
It's not about happy. It's about living with love and compassion instead of fear. The only sentence that makes any sense in this horrible article is the one about people living in many different ways. If you believe U.S. culture is sick, there are plenty of communities who would agree with you, and help you live with love. Seek them out.
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