How much upset have you experienced in your life so far? How much more upset would you like to endure going forward? Bizarre questions, perhaps, and yet if you are willing to dig into them a bit, you might be able to dig out from under all that hurt and upset in your life.
Undoubtedly, you have experienced all manner of upsets in your life, some that came seemingly out of nowhere, and some that have been of your own making. It's this last statement that some will find even more upsetting, while others will find it liberating. If it's upset you seek, you need read no further, for upset has already been won. As much as you may find it apparently useful to blame me or someone else for your upset, the truth of the matter is that you are the one who authors your own upset.
From Upset to Liberation
If you're not already completely pissed off, let's dig into this notion of how you author your own upset and see if you can discover some keys to your own liberation.
If you're already pissed off, did you start your day off that way before you even began reading this article? Is pissed off your basic stance in life? If so, I actually do understand -- I've spent much of my life angry and upset, blaming circumstances and other people for the things I didn't like in life. Truth be told, there's lots to be pissed off about out there. The only problem with living life through pissed-off eyes is that the only thing you win by remaining upset is the opportunity to be even more upset. Perhaps you've noticed.
If you really want to experience what this is like, just bring to mind something that really pisses you off about another person. Simply dwell on that behavior, attitude or way of being of the other person for a moment and see if you just don't wind up being even more pissed off than you were even five minutes ago. If you're "successful" at getting even more upset, then you may have noticed that the only person who got you upset right now is your own self. Sure, you can blame me for bringing up the subject in the first place, and if that makes you any happier, go right ahead and blame me.
However, blaming me, or anyone else for that matter, is beyond a slippery slope. The more you focus on your object of blame, the more upset you are likely to find yourself. Let's be clear, here: Take a look around wherever you happen to find yourself right now. Am I there? Is the other person there? I didn't think so. The one person who is present, however, is you.
Actually, there are at least two of you present -- your Self-Talk and your Soul-Talk. Your Self-Talk is the one that will keep bringing up even more reasons for you to be upset, and the more reasons you give yourself, the more upset you will become. If you have been following this series on moving from Self-Talk to Soul-Talk, then you will recognize that your Self-Talk is primarily negative and builds on limiting self-images you most likely learned growing up.
The more riled up you manage to get, the more power you are handing over to your Self-Talk. Talk about a vicious circle! What makes this circle ever more vicious is that you can literally turn a mole hill into a mountain by what you tell yourself and wind up actually believing that the other person did this to you.
One Self-Talk limitation most of us learned in massive doses is "I'm upset because..." and then you get to fill in the blank. "I'm upset because..." is a master stroke in blame, a true key in how to live a life filled with hurt and upset.
I doubt seriously that any of you spent late night hours recently plotting for your next upset, or planning your next set of hurt feelings. However, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that at least some of you reading this article did spend some serious time reviewing how upset you are with your boss, husband, wife, kids, next door neighbor, politician or any other object of your upset. If you have, then surely you must recognize that the more time you dwell on what the other person did or said, what they didn't do or didn't say, the more upset you can become.
If you can recognize this simple little fact, then perhaps you can at least own something along the following lines: The more time you spend dwelling on your upset, the more upset you become. "So what?" you might ask. Well, there's a really big "so what" here: Even if the other person did do something unkind, mean-spirited or downright nasty, you're the one adding insult to your own injury. Long after the other person has left, you're the one who insists on dwelling in the negative feelings. You're the one who is adding to your own upset.
Was It Me or Someone Else?
Toward the middle of 2011, I lost one of my key clients, which had a material impact on my work and income. The reason they gave for not continuing turned out to be the very reason they hired me in the first place! The company was trying to grow its book of business and in order to do so needed to add some capability not already in place. Just as we were starting to make some progress in building that capability, the CEO turned his attention to another of his "bright, shiny objects," a patter of distraction that had put the company in the predicament for which I was hired in the first place.
At first, I was thoroughly upset, running the scenario over and over again in my mind, reminding myself how completely stupid this decision was. As I was stewed in my own juices, lamenting the turn of events, one of my mentors and coaches asked me, "When are you going to stop being surprised?" When I asked what the heck she was talking about, she reminded me that I had not been all that thrilled with the direction of this client work in the first place. She then asked me to consider what my Soul-Talk might prefer. I wound up recognizing a deeper level of working with people that I truly wanted but had not been willing to risk going for. From there, I was able to let go of my true source of upset (undermining my own self), and began focusing on that more deeply satisfying and meaningful work.
What makes this all the more interesting is that as I began to take positive steps toward aligning my actions with my "seemingly-impossible good," the very client that had dropped me, came back asking if we could re-engage the conversation but at a deeper level.
That's where true positive thinking comes into play: Once you choose a positive experience that you would like to experience more of, you can then ask of yourself, "What can I do, right now, to begin bringing that 'seemingly-impossible good' into my life?" As I mentioned last week, you probably won't go from zero to hero in one simple miraculous step, but you may put yourself on the path and wind up discovering a whole series of micro steps that will begin leading you into the improved experience of life you truly seek.
How have you let your own upset interfere with your "seemingly-impossible good?" How have you been able to turn things around and begin making at least some positive progress?
I'd love to hear from you. What has been our experience with taking this kind of approach to your life? Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
If you want more information on how you can apply this kind of reframing to your life and to your job, about a few simple steps that may wind up transforming your life, please download a free chapter from my new book, "Workarounds That Work." You'll be glad you did.
You can buy "Workarounds That Work" here.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by e-mail at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
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I'm one of those people who do not have a lot of negative thoughts or feelings. Oh they happen, but they are very short lived. This thinking, feeling mostly positively is a cultivated habit & has a lot to do with my daily self talk. http://www.markoworld.com/self-talk-practice/
My upsets are mostly quick & short lived bursts. Rarely do they last longer than a few moments & if longer, I process my feelings, experience them for their gift ,-- which is to show me what I don't want to feel. Thus they help me course correct by their negative energy & remind me of what I do desire. Which is peace.
Negative thoughts have a very positive beneficial nature if we allow them to help show us what we don't desire & thus move us energy wise toward what we do desire. http://www.markoworld.com/negative-thoughts/
Thanks for the article, I really enjoyed hearing from a kindred spirit.
Cheers,
-Marko
http://www.markoworld.com/
My negative self talk takes me away from the solutions. When I am more patient with myself more relaxed the answers are right there in front of me.
I don't remember where I learned this technique from, but it's a powerful one: When you're upset, ask yourself, "Who is upset?" Don't answer the question, just keep asking it! With practice you'll observe that the one upset is not the real you, that the emotion you feel has no value to the real you, and you'll begin to separate your true self from the reactive, ego-based self. Doing this will open new doorways of awareness, and you'll begin to move through life in a much more deliberate and thoughtful fashion.
One of the best ways I've found to break out of the cycle of upset is the perspective of time. When I find myself going around and around getting angrier and angrier at someone, like my boss, I remember that I've done this before in other jobs. I try to recall what those upsets were about at those other bosses, 5 or 10 years ago. Invariably I can't remember. Then I project my current upset forward 5 years and realize I won't remember it either...it will have no lasting impact on my life so why hold on to it?
Thanks for the article.
People don't just get upset. They contribute to their upsetness.
Albert Ellis
I also love your comment, "My seemingly impossible good is happening now." I printed it out and read it as I sit at my desk to begin work. Thank you
I would like to add that although the concept of avoiding dwelling (stewing!) in negative "Self Talk" and what others have chosen to do is key to healthy being, I wouldn't want anyone to confuse this with the important and necessary digging out of buried feelings related to traumas within the psychotherapeutic treatment context. In that case, there is a necessary phase -- usually many iterative phases -- of acknowledging past events and hurts, *feeling* all these things, including pain, loss, betrayal, negativity, in order to let them out, let them go and heal.
I'm SURE you know this, but I've known people, myself included, who have tried to skip past the deep work of healing, which can make it much harder if not impossible to employ your healthy, positive strategies. Finally this: It's not an either/or! We can do the deep work with professional help, and cultivate that healthy Soul Talk in every day life. Here's a cheer to healthy living!
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