I cried a lot last night. Silent, hot sobbing that would taper off intermittently only to be roused again with each news update.
One officer dead. Then another. And another.
I used to say I couldn't wait for my husband, an active duty 11-year veteran of the Metropolitan Police Department in D.C., to get another job and not be an officer. But this week served only to remind me that badge or not, he perhaps still wouldn't be safe in his own brown skin.
And what of my beautiful son? Four years old and just coming into his own personality, I marveled at how much he's grown, and how quickly, and wondered what he'd grow up to be just days ago.
And now?
I cry. And I pray. I remind my God and myself that He promised to keep us from all harm and protect us from evil in Psalms 121:7. Now, that prayer is even more personal: protect the brown men in my life, Lord. Please.
And that's really all I have, all I'm clinging to: my faith and God and His word. Because when all hell is breaking out around me, He is my peace. He is my shelter and ever-present help. And now, perhaps more than ever in recent days and weeks for me, I need His help.
I need His help to understand the senseless loss of life on both sides of the Thin Blue Line.
I need His help to replace with prayers of love and grace the anger and sadness and guttural screams that creep up uncontrollably.
I need His help to not ask why or seek to understand, but to remember that His strength is perfected in my weakness, my brokenness, my sadness.
And I am so very sad.
We need God now. And whether you know it or not, you need God. So you can sleep at night without your mind racing and worrying. So you can not retaliate. So you can have hope of a better tomorrow. So you won't lose your natural mind in a world where spiritual warfare has brought us to this week. To Alton and Philando and the Dallas and DART police.
So this is my open prayer for you. I pray that you find God however you need Him right now, wherever you are.
I pray that God keeps your heart and mind in His perfect peace during these painful and trying times.
I pray that the God living in you reminds you that you are never alone, and He will never and has never left you.
I pray that when you lie down, your rest is sweet and peaceful.
I pray that when you feel restless, God's still small voice says to you, Be still and know that I am God.
And I pray against the attacks of the enemy who wants you to live in fear; who's only mission is to steal, kill, and destroy your peace of mind, your faith, and your commitment to following God -- especially in the face of evil and hardship.
And for myself? What do I pray for me?
I just pray to stop crying.