WASHINGTON, DC (Movement Vision Lab) --- Ending days of suspense about the utility of Transportation Security Administration officials copping feels on airline passengers, the TSA today announced a new partnership with the online dating site Match.com.
"Groping doesn't just protect us from terrorists," said TSA spokeswoman Eva Gatoucha, "it protects us from loneliness."
Under the new partnership, especially homely looking passengers will be more likely to receive screening. "We're not just profiling Arab-looking men, now," said Gatoucha. "If you're white as snow but looking kind of frigid, our screeners will warm you where it counts." In addition, passengers and the TSA agents they go to second base with will qualify for a drawing for an all-expenses-paid romantic dinner for two.
For Dan Needsit of West Nyack, New York, the joint venture was welcome news. "I saw the hunkiest airport screener and just prayed to have my basic privacy and rights violated," said Needsit. "Who knew living in a police state could be so much fun?"
The TSA is optimistic that the diverting public attention toward our cultural over-emphasis on coupling up will make needless security measures seem sexy. New TSA/Match.com buttons worn by all airport screeners boast that now everyone can "enjoy a heightened state of alert".