If I Were Obama

07/27/2010 01:01 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

1) I would disallow "Don't Ask Don't Tell" immediately. The homophobes who hate you aren't going to like you regardless. Just do what you promised and end this bigotry and stop treating patriotic gay Americans like second class citizens.

2) Pull Fox News' press seat. Do it not because they are right wing, but because they have lied and manipulated the facts to get ratings. The Fox News president, Roger Ailes, has said he is in the ratings business, so let his crack staff cover the new fall lineup for NBC. Serious issues need serious coverage, not Dennis Miller cracking really bad jokes that only O' Reilly thinks are funny.

3) While you're at it, kick Les Kinsolving out of the press room. Les is an old man who is homophobic, anti-choice, and still asks about Obama's birth certificate. These are serious times, get a serious conservative in there.

4) Get out of Afghanistan. Pull boots out and increase drones and kill every Taliban that is standing up. They brutalize women and torture those who oppose them. This is a tribal country and it is making Vietnam look faster that instant coffee.

5) Be the Obama who campaigned and stop behaving like a law professor. Let me see the fire that got me to vote for you, not this hedging that makes me vote for you because I can't allow a Republican to ruin the country even more.

6) Stun everybody and support South Carolinian Alvin Greene, the unknown Democratic candidate running for Jim DeMint's senate seat. No matter what you think of him, he is right on one issue: he IS better for the state than DeMint, a man who says he votes only to cripple you. Get in there.

7) Jeff Sessions has said he used to like the KKK until he found out they smoked pot. Why doesn't the world know this? You have a press office,right?

8) Start speaking at African American churches. You have a base, utilize it.

9) Stop bashing Limbaugh. He doesn't care and it won't change him or his listeners. In fact, knock everyone on their ass and say "You mean the obese racist drug addict?" the next time he is brought up. Let's see how HE likes it.

10) Give a press conference a week. You are a great speaker, so load up.

You're welcome.


Barack Obama