If you know me, you know I love analogies. In fact, I was the cool kid who turned to another student after the SAT and asked if they also liked the passage on Jack Kerouac, so I REALLY like analogies, and all tests actually, except this 18-year-long one where the point is to see if I can keep my equanimity despite three small kids screaming in my face. FAIL, FAIL, FAIL. Anyway, today I will give you some analogies to help you comprehend your husband's frustrating and mystifying behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. Like, really, understand them, not just say you understand while you secretly think he sucks.
Note: Sometimes it's the woman who thinks and acts these ways, and this can help you understand a female partner as well.
1. Your husband acts like a baby about a little bit of sexual rejection.
You didn't eat all day, from 6am to 10pm. Your husband then bakes you some brownies and right when you're about to eat one, he rips it out of your mouth and sets fire to the remaining brownies. Then he laughs condescendingly and goes to sleep.
2. Your husband masturbates to porn.
You bake some brownies for your own damn self.
3. Your husband doesn't notice or care that the house is a mess.
After a harrowing day at work and taking care of the kids, you finally turn on your favorite movie and cuddle under the blanket on the couch while you Facebook languidly with friends. From this position, you see a speck of dust on the wall 15 feet away and ignore it.
4. Your husband doesn't discipline the kids.
You have been raised as a wild pack animal, scavenging and scrounging and fighting (equivalent of the average childhood of boys in a generation before this one). You come across a human who is using the incorrect salad fork and someone else commands you to punish this infraction enthusiastically.
5. Your husband loses track of time when you're supposed to go hang out with another couple at a fun child-centered activity but somehow gets to work on time, and even gets up early to go to the gym first.
You are given a free gift certificate to a spa weekend with your best friends as long as you make your free 6am flight, so you set your alarm for 4am. A different time, you are late to your appointment with your tax auditor who doubles as your bikini waxer.
6. Your husband avoids talking about emotional topics.
You have a neighbor that is always talking your ear off about her work problems. You have to pee and you are starving and you see her walking toward you from her house, so you wave and run inside and lock the door behind you.
7. Your husband isn't romantic.
Your kid wants to lay in your arms and have in-depth conversations about the plot points of Frozen while you give her an elaborate hairstyle involving seven braids and ribbons and periodically spoon straight Nutella into her mouth. You have a pressing work deadline which will determine your bonus this year and you've been getting foreclosure notices on your house and your electric was just shut off. No Nutella today, probably.
8. Your husband doesn't read the emails you send him with my articles.
No excuses.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Loves Empathy.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.