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Bachelor Recap From Sunday, Where Britt Has a Narcissistic Break With Reality

02/18/2015 04:09 pm ET | Updated Apr 18, 2015

rose

I cannot even believe I almost missed the first part of this two night event.  It's like a brush with death or something.  Thankfully, I saw it recording on my DVR and now I'm watching.  Phew.  Okay, so Chris is going to take the women to Iowa so he has to be Very Serious Now.  Some blonde confronts Chris about him not liking her, and he admits he doesn't like her.  So she's out.  All the other women cry, because they liked having someone around that Chris liked less than each of them.

The blonde held it together till the limo, at which point she dissolves into tears.  Standing on the street in the light of the streetlamp, Chris holds his head in his hands. It's like a scene out of a Tennessee Williams play, without any depth or artistry.  The women discuss "losing" the blonde, because she died.  Not really, because death wouldn't be as bad as being rejected by Prince Farming.  Britt pretends to be worried about the rose ceremony, even though she and Chris probably secretly tattooed each other's names on their asses during their "nap" last week.

Carly the singer and Whitney the fertility nurse and Jade the cosmetics developer all discuss why their career paths are less important than marrying Chris and moving to his farm.  Or else they discuss how awesomely excited they are to go to "God's Country."  God himself is amazed to see all these women literally jumping up and down at the chance to go to Iowa.

We see an aerial view of Iowa and there are three whole cars on the streets.  The women are super excited that Iowa has trees.  They go to a hotel which was last updated in 1992 and prance around the fashionable glass topped coffee table and beige curtains.  Jade gets the one on one and the other women wonder if the old "Nair in the shampoo bottle" trick could work in real life.

We see cows and prairies.  Chris is anxious that nobody is going to want to live in Iowa with him, because nobody wants to live in Iowa with him.  Chris greets Jade and makes out with her. He shows her his house, and it's nice and big, and probably cost about $4500.  Now he's introducing the cows by name and offers to name a cow after Jade.

Jade says Arlington Iowa is "more isolated" than she thought it would be.  She doesn't seem too thrilled.  It's basically a ghost town.  Jade looks like she's going to vomit.  Moral: hot girls don't like places without any people.  If you're hot in a ghost town and nobody sees you, are you still hot?  Points to ponder.  Jade gets progressively more upset.  They go to a high school football game and Chris can envision his and Jade's kids playing football.  And she can't.

Oh now she's meeting his parents!  Britt is going to flip out.  Chris and Jade walk around his high school and she tells him she's made a lot of mistakes.  She has a big secret to tell him, which we already know from last week's coming attractions, but I won't tell you in case you didn't see last episode, because maybe your house burned down or something that would make missing The Bachelor excusable.  Anyway, I can see Jade liking living in Iowa for about six months.  Everyone at the game chants "Kiss Chris" and she does.  JADE!  STAY ON TASK!  THIS PLACE ISN'T FOR YOU!   Oh, whatever.  She's lost.

Now Chris is on a date with Whitney in Des Moines which is way cooler than Arlington.  They have a date where all they do is kiss each other and take photos of it.  Back at the house, Britt cries. The women decide to go visit Arlington themselves to see how bad it sucks.  This probably won't end well.  And I'm right, the women are very disappointed.  They look absurdly out of place in their fashionable clothes walking down the Twilight Zone-like deserted streets.  Now they see a church, which is locked.  But Carly sees the same picture of Jesus in the church (through the window) as used to hang in her grandparents' house, which makes her feel good, and shows that people can really invent anything to resolve cognitive dissonance.

Whitney gets to meet Chris's friends, which will probably make Britt pass out from jealousy.  Britt tells Jade she could live in Arlington after she told all the other girls all day that she would never live there.  Uh oh, Britt got the group date, not the let's-get-married-F-the-other-girls date as she was hoping for.  Carly makes a hand puppet of Britt being a liar, which is funny enough that she should win.  But she won't, because having a sense of humor is a disqualifier on this show.

Whitney says her mother is dead and she also has no relationship with her dad.  Chris is impressed by how strong she is.  Whitney says she can't wait to call her in-laws Mom and Dad, and Chris loves that.  One of the pictures that Chris and Whitney took of them kissing was made into a big mural, and she's so excited.  This is pretty romantic.  Whoever actually marries Whitney will never be able to live up to this moment.

Jade tells the girls she used to model for Playboy.  The other girls are both jealous and relieved.   She says her dad found out about it from his coworkers, which sounds like about the most awkward thing in the universe.  Jade says sometimes she regrets posing nude.  Me too, Jade.  Just kidding, I don't regret it.  JUST KIDDING FOR REAL, GUYS.  But don't look at the April 2005 issue.

Now Britt says when they are alone, Chris is her boyfriend, but when they aren't alone, he isn't.  Welcome to The Bachelor, Britt.  The group date is at a hockey rink.  Britt immediately straddles Chris and jumps into his arms, because she's the only woman in the world.  Chris talks about making a fool out of himself on the hockey rink, which is possibly the only place that he would not make a fool out of himself. Britt asks to steal Chris, because she's the only woman in the world, again (hereafter abbreviated BSTOWITW).  Britt tells Chris about road tripping to Arlington, screwing up the other women's chance to hear his reaction to this information, but damned if she cares, BSTOWITW.

Carly is mad that Britt is lying to Chris about being happy to move to Arlington.  Carly says Chris deserves to know Britt's true feelings about Arlington.  Britt tosses her hair and tells Chris how she loves Arlington. And Chris kisses her tenderly, BSTOWITW.  He says, "Her and I could make grammatical mistakes together." I mean, "A special life together."  Tomato Tomahto.

Carly stupidly wastes her portion of the group date by tattling on Chris, which NEVER EVER GOES WELL SO WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP DOING IT?  Eyes on the prize, ladies.  No infighting.  Carly says, "I'm really protective of you... Britt said she could never live here.... no way."  Chris scrunches his face in the universal signal for "trying to think for the first time ever."  Carly tells Chris to be careful.  Great, now you're his guardian angel.  BUT STILL NOT THE WOMAN WHOSE VAGINA HE PREFERS.  Winning the battle, Carly.

Now Chris and the girls raise their glasses to Arlington, and Chris wonders if Britt was actually telling the truth or not, because all Carly did was make Chris think about Britt even more, BSTOWITW.  Britt runs off at the mouth about paper plates or some BS.  Chris confronts Britt about her apparent dislike of Arlington, and by "confronts" I mean, "in no way confronts her and instead basically gives her the ring with his words."  Britt is either super honest or super sneaky.  Goddamn it!  Even I'm obsessing about her now, BSTOWITW.  Britt talks about wanting to be a mom and Chris cries and calls the show and proposes.  Not really but really.

Carly is still in bizarro world where she think that what she says impacted Chris' overt preference for Britt.  Kaitlyn says Chris isn't an idiot.  So really these two women have no idea which way is up.  Kaitlyn picks to talk about her own damn self during her alone time, since she's smart.  I hope he does NOT pick Kaitlyn, so she can meet someone else.  God, wanting the better women not to win is like when they pay the farmers not to plant crops.  (Boo ya perfect farming analogy.)

Kaitlyn has drunk the Kool Aid and thinks she likes Chris.  Chris likes her too, but the difference between how he likes her and how he likes Britt is palpable, by which I mean there is markedly less palpating on this date than his dates with Britt, BSTOWITW.  Oh holy %^&*, Chris gives Kaitlyn the rose.  WTF.  I guess he slipped Britt the pitchfork last week during "naptime" so the least he can do is give Kaitlyn the rose.

Are there seriously only 15 minutes left?  WHERE IS BRITT'S NERVOUS BREAKDOWN?  BSTOWITW!  And the only possible nutjob remaining.  Oh here we go!  Ominous mental collapse music..... Britt taps her purple painted fingernails.  She nods cynically when Kaitlyn approaches with the rose.  Then she starts shaking her head at him. She is going to lose it.  How dare Kaitlyn get a rose?  Carly, aka Friend Zone, takes it like a champ.

Britt pretends she is happy for Kaitlyn, and then dominates the conversation absurdly, saying that she doesn't want her husband to prioritize other women.  She says, "my husband" at least three times.  It's basically a narcissistic break with reality.  Britt now pretends Chris is telling her, Britt, to leave, by giving Kaitlyn the rose.  This CANNOT HAPPEN TO BRITT!  BSTOWITW!  Chris is obviously out of his element, but what else is new.  Britt says her episode wasn't about Kaitlyn, which is the truest thing she could possibly say.

The other women reassure Britt that she's the front runner, because this is how people end up treating narcissists, even after being put down by them.  Now Carly feels validated because Chris "saw Britt's true colors."  But I still bet he picks her.  Well, maybe he'll shock me.  Come on Chris, shock me.  In her confessional, Britt seems to have finally realized she acted like a lunatic.  Kaitlyn and Carly think that Britt blew it.  Britt cries.

Tomorrow on the Bachelor, we see that there won't be a cocktail party, and that Britt gets even more wackadoo, and that Britt gets EVEN MORE wackadoo than that.  Then hometown visits where Chris tries to rap while wearing a pink polo shirt, which you can possibly pull off if you're Jay Z.  Also, Jade tells Chris she's hot enough to pose for Playboy.  And other girls pretend this is going to be anything besides a huge turn on for Chris.  Till next time, I remain, The Blogapist Who Kind of Loves Britt, BSTOWITW.

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