'How Can I Help My Husband Develop Emotional Intelligence?'

Reader Likes a Project writes,

Just watched your live video regarding a husband with low sex drive. I was hoping for some help with how do I support my (future) husband with connecting with himself. He has a very hard time identifying his feelings, communicating his ideas, and I suspect he has some undiagnosed ADD, as he also struggles to be able to quiet his thoughts in order to listen or remember most things. He's a wonderful person, and a fantastic father.

The issue of him not being "emotionally available" does come up frequently. It's more he cannot communicate feelings freely vs him not being available. I realize part of the issue is my perception and I am trying to focus on loving him for who he is. However, his entire family has an unhealthy tendency to avoid communicating feelings, dealing with conflict, or having healthy boundaries (I could give you hundreds of examples!).

I want him to be able to do this not just for me, but also for our two children we have. I cannot stress enough how great he is. He's willing to work on himself, and I am too. Even if this isn't something that changes on his end, how can I best support/understand him and enable emotional intelligence in my children?

Dear LAP,

It is common for women to come in to therapy because they feel that their husbands aren't emotionally available, or saying that they don't think their husbands care or think much about emotions at all. It is why I write posts like this one. First, I urge you to read this post about alexithymia, which refers to people who cannot understand or express their feelings. Individuals with Asperger's often struggle with this.

Guys with ADHD also have trouble expressing themselves sometimes, but this is usually when there is not enough stimulation and they are basically bored and zoned out. But at the start of relationships, when they are in "hyperfocus" mode, people with ADHD don't seem to be any worse at expressing feelings than anyone else, so I encourage you to do that reading about Asperger's and see if it resonates with you and your husband.

Either way, you mention that your husband was raised in a family where emotions were not discussed, and this means that your husband did not learn the language of communicating his feelings at a young age. It may feel unnatural for him to do so, although this may abate with practice. You cannot reach into your husband's brain and turn on a magic switch that makes him into a guy that will write poetry to you. However, if you want some real-world concrete things to do to enhance your husband's emotional intelligence, you can use some of these:

1. Treat your husband with kindness and empathy. Treat him as you wish he had been treated by his parents when he was a child, which means read this post on how to raise kids who feel empathy.
2. Read novels with your husband and discuss them. One good one is The Course Of Love by Alain de Botton. This will be eye opening for your husband, and for you. Reading literary fiction has been scientifically shown to promotes empathy and build emotional intelligence.
3. Give your husband the behind-the-scenes look at your own internal emotional functioning. When you feel something, discuss it. Do this with your kids too, by the way. But don't be attacking. More like, "When you fixed the toilet, I felt loving and like you really take care of our family." Not "when you didn't text me back, I felt that you were a jerk." That doesn't help.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.

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