Reader Invalidated HSP writes,
I read your article on why marriage is harder after the birth of the second child and it really resonated with me. I'm a 35 year old mom of two kids, 1 and 4. My husband and I have been getting along poorly for about a year now, give or take. The issue is that I am a Highly Sensitive Person, which I didn't realize until reading The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, that you recommended. I have always needed my alone time, been sensitive to noise, and I am an introvert.
This was ok with one child, because honestly she was an easy baby and my husband and I could switch off with him when he was home from work. Now, with two, I never have a break (I stay at home with them), and my second child is very spirited and does not nap well. I have told my husband that I need some help, whether this is hiring a sitter or moving closer to my family so my mom can help. He says he doesn't believe in Highly Sensitive People and thinks it is "convenient" that I found this diagnosis when things are "a little more difficult" for me.
He basically is saying he thinks I'm lazy, but I truly feel like I am about to snap or lose my mind. As a teen I struggled with depression and I feel like when I can't get away from the noise and the mess of the kids, I am going to head back down that road. It also angers me that he thinks that HSP's are a figment of my imagination. Please help.
Dear IHSP,
I feel you, because I am the same person as you. Except I had my second when my first was 18 months, so it was worse, but then again, I worked part time outside the house, so that was better. Either way, I am also an HSP and the noise and mess makes me insane. I think you are upset for two reasons, though. One is the fact that having two kids is very tough, and the other is that your husband is acting like a jackass.
I always tell people to get help with the kids if at all possible, and in this post I give suggestions for how to afford a sitter a few times a week. But this doesn't help you if your husband won't "allow" you to get one. I understand that he makes the money, but you are the mother of his kids, and if you didn't watch them, they would die, so I believe that his money should be your money too. Your husband needs a crash course in empathy.
However, to be fair to your husband, I am going to assume that he is a very can-do, proactive sort of guy, like the guys I discussed in my article, and also very laid back, and therefore cannot conceive of how viscerally you react to noise and other sensory stimuli. When he has both kids, they could shriek like banshees and it doesn't make his heart rate go up. I have often seen this issue in couples where one husband is in the military, or is a police officer or firefighter, and his wife complains about the stressors of hanging out with kids, and the guy is in life or death situations every day and thinks her life sounds like a walk in the park in comparison. But this still does not mean he doesn't need to empathize.
You too should empathize with your husband's perspective. He literally doesn't understand what your problem is. It is unlikely that he had any highly sensitive people in his family growing up, or if he did, they were invalidated by other family members, like he is doing to you. Your husband isn't a bad guy, but he is expressing himself in a rude way.
I suggest that you and your husband speak openly about the bad place your marriage is in, and try to get some time together to talk or just do something fun together. When you feel closer, it may be easier for you both to empathize with each other, and to talk about how you have grown apart over this past year. Couples counseling is another idea, to help you reconnect and learn to take one another's perspectives, and also to come up with solutions that may prevent you from sinking back into depression, such as the babysitter that you suggested. A depressed mother is obviously not good for the kids, and if your husband realizes that you are seriously feeling that you will become depressed, his tune may change.
Good luck and thanks for writing in. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Also Try These Things To Make Your Life Easier.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.