Reader Confused About Teens writes:
I desperately need your help and I'm hoping you can find time in your busy schedule to give me your advice. I generally consider myself a smart woman and a great mom. However, recently I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing with my teenage daughter. Growing up I was the only girl in a family of 10. Yes, I have nine brothers. I grew up without any freedom, my brothers didn't let any boy around me and my parents didn't let me do anything EVER. As a result I struggle so much with what is normal for a teenaged girls behavior.
I don't know how many times a week I should let my daughters make plans with friends. Now that my oldest (16) has a boyfriend I have no clue how often I should let her see him or if I should be ok with them holding hands or stealing a smooch while I'm present. My immediate reaction is anger, I hate seeing her with her boyfriend and feeling like I have no idea what is acceptable behavior. When she asks me to go out I usually say no and when I do say yes it's with a 10:00 p.m. curfew during the week and 11:00 p.m. Fridays and Saturdays.
I know I should let her out more often and not get so upset when she holds her boyfriend's hand but I can't help but feel its disrespectful. I'm just not sure if I'm right to feel that way or if it's just because I have no clue what normal teenage years should be like? By the way I am married but my husband grew up doing whatever he wanted always. Most of the discipline is left to me but we do consult each other for everything. I just feel like he's sometimes too lenient but again I'm not sure if it's just my gauge that is off?
Dear CAT,
It's great that you wrote in and didn't just keep on doing what you're doing and ignoring your gut. Your gut is telling you that your gauge is off and that your feelings about your daughter may be related to your childhood, and I agree 100 percent. The key here is that you feel hatred when you see your daughter and her boyfriend. That is a very strong emotion, and one which I encourage you to explore.
It's likely that your upbringing was not only anti-dating but anti-sex, and all your brothers and your parents were very anxious about you interacting romantically or sexually with men. Often, when children are raised to view sex as evil and males as predators, they end up with very intense negative emotions toward sex, like in this example. When you see your daughter engaging in physical displays of affection with her boyfriend, this brings up deep seated issues about what girls are "supposed" to be like.
Your daughter's desire to have a boyfriend, to kiss him, and to be sexually active with him in a committed relationship if she chooses are all completely developmentally normal desires. Please try to separate your own upbringing from this and view your daughter as her own person. Setting strict limits on her behavior and her ability to see her boyfriend, or allowing her to see your distaste when she touches him, will likely only drive her away from you and lead to her interacting with her boyfriend out of your sight. This is not a good outcome, because you want her to be able to talk to you about sex, love, and whatever else is on her mind. If she can't speak to you, she may just make her own decisions, and some of those may not be that smart, since she's only 16 and infatuated.
In terms of seeing her friends, why limit this? Instead of arbitrary constraints, give her a list of what needs to be done before she can make plans. Some of these obligations can include: homework, part time job, extracurriculars, and family dinners. Aside from this, let her see her friends. Again, it is totally developmentally appropriate for her to want to hang out with her friends more than with her parents. If she's getting good grades, participating in extracurriculars, and she doesn't come home drunk or high, then why prevent her from socializing?
The style of parenting that research has shown time and time again to be the most successful is authoritative, which is setting rules, but with warmth and flexibility. Authoritarian, or very strict without flexibility, is how you grew up, and it leads to kids who rebel or can't think for themselves. Permissive parenting is the other extreme, where there are no boundaries at all. But the best is the middle ground, where you treat your teen like a rational person who can be reasoned with, and who doesn't need to have limits set that will cut her off from her peer group.
If you're struggling with what an appropriate curfew is, I encourage you to befriend some of your daughter's friends' mothers, especially ones with respectful and happy-seeming children. Make your daughter's curfew similar to theirs. There is no point in making your daughter feel like she is the only one who can't enjoy herself. This is her only time to be a teenager. Your experience didn't sound like much fun, but your daughter's can be a joyful time.
If you are still struggling with negative feelings about your daughter's romantic relationship, it might be a good idea to find a counselor. Often, it brings up many painful issues from parents' own childhoods when they see their kids go through certain stages that were difficult for them. For you, adolescence may have been a constricting and frustrating time. Seeing your daughter enjoying her life and her developing sexuality likely sparks many subconscious feelings, including anxiety, anger, frustration, and even envy. These are all completely normal and could be productively explored in counseling.
Thanks for writing in, and keep me updated. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, She Sounds Like a Good Kid.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Pre-order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.