Reader Snooping Sally writes:
Is my boyfriend still in love with his ex?
I have been dating a great guy for a year and a half, and he moved into my condo 6 months ago. I knew going in that he was divorced (for five years) and has an eight year old son. He is close to his ex, and it's good that they get along, but it's a bit too close.
Acting on a suspicion, I snooped in his phone recently and found some very upsetting text messages between them. He was expressing his love for her, how he would move out of our house if there was a chance they could get back together, how he wants to come home to her, etc.
When I confronted him, he got defensive and explained that they won't ever get back together anyway (which I knew), but I still find the texts very disconcerting.
Bottom line is, will he ever be able to move on and commit to me 100 percent? Do I end it now if I don't think he will?
Dear SS,
Well, usually I would say don't snoop, but in this case, let's move beyond that and examine the evidence you (snoopily) obtained. It is basically a flashing neon light that spells out: GET OUT OF THIS NOW. The man is saying he would leave you for this other woman. His defense is basically only that she doesn't want him right now.
I believe you likely have had a disappointing early life and disappointing prior relationships that have gotten you to a place where your self-esteem is fragile enough to consider staying in this situation. Like this woman, and this woman, you are ignoring someone's overt statements (albeit here, the statements weren't toward you, but still) that they don't want to be with you. You are important enough to be someone's first and only choice, but I am betting that there have been incidents in your past that make you feel that you are only worthy of being a backup option.
Practically speaking, as well, what if this ex decides she DOES want him back? The longer you stay with him, the more devastated you'll be when this ends. And if it's not this ex, it will be someone else, probably. This man is not committed, you have it there in text. Get out before it's even harder to do, and find a man who loves you as much as you love him.
Good luck, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, And Also A Therapist Can Help You Through This Breakup.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.