Reader Trying To Be There writes,
My daughter is now almost 21 and lives with her boyfriend at his mom's home. She has struggled with mental health and addiction issues since the 7grade. She found heroin 8 months ago. I kicked her out back in October, after coming home from a trip and finding out she had pawned two of my necklaces. I did this partly due to anger and partly due to the fact that my husband kept saying he wanted her out of the house.
A week ago, she decided she was sick of this life. She and her boyfriend knew for some time that they wanted a normal life, but heroin is a difficult drug to quit. I don't believe in tough love or rock bottom for my daughter. I don't believe in further alienating and shaming a person who already feels disconnected. I believe in maintaining a connection and relationship with my daughter with the hope that she will recover. I will not shut her out of my life even if it breaks my heart seeing her at her lowest. I've been to doctor appointments, actively involved in support groups and researched mental health issues and addiction.
My husband disagrees with my approach. He believes if we would do what he wants to do then she'd be in a better place now. When I tell my husband our daughter is coming over, his whole demeanor changes and he gets mad at me. He doesn't want her here, it's a burden, he doesn't like her boyfriend, he doesn't want her around our son, etc. Our son adores his big sister and while we have sheltered him from a lot, he knows what is going on and he still loves her.
My issue with my husband is if we aren't supportive, loving, show excitement and enthusiasm to see our daughter then why the hell would she ever want to come home. If she doesn't feel welcome then why would she ever want to leave her boyfriend or a life filled with drugs. My husband feels like if he doesn't get out of my way and be quiet, we'd get divorced. He does feel that I am going to do what I want to do and he is right; I am going to do what I need to do and what I feel is best for my daughter. Even if he didn't agree with my approach or my daughter's choices, he could have reached out to her and maintained a relationship in order to be a positive, guiding force in her life. He calls me an enabler and I honestly think it's easier for him to criticize my efforts than put some skin in the game.
How do I make my husband feel valued and part of this team without necessarily needing his input or taking an approach that could be detrimental to our daughter? (I am incredibly angry at him writing this but I do not want him to feel like he is being shut out).
Dear TTBT,
I understand why you feel so upset. Having a child struggling with addiction is one of the hardest things for parents to deal with. In general, parenting teenagers causes a great deal of marital strife, and parenting a young adult with addiction issues is a million times harder.
I believe that both you and your husband have valid points. Your daughter has only been off of heroin for one week. He believes that this is not a real test of whether she is committed to staying off drugs. You, on the other hand, want to encourage any possible chance that she will stop using. I think that your husband has detached emotionally in order to protect himself for what he believes is an inevitable disappointment when she starts using again. However, since he doesn't come out and say this, you misinterpret his anger as comprising the extent of his feelings about your daughter. In reality, I believe he loves her very much and feels hopeless and devastated that she continues to use. He believes that she would be in a better position if there were stronger consequences for her actions; he thinks that you are enabling your daughter, that she will have no reason to stop using if she knows that she can live with you either way. He is also terrified that your son will be negatively impacted by his sister. He may even, on some level, think that your daughter may be a lost cause and now his job as a dad is to ensure that his remaining child is kept safe and happy, which he believes can be best accomplished without his sister around.
Unfortunately, I do not believe that your love alone can save your daughter; if it could, she would never have begun using. If she wants to stop, she will need treatment, probably both individual and group, and possibly medication as well. We have no idea whether this week of sobriety will turn into a longer period of time, although I hope that it does. Now we have to turn to your marriage, which is fracturing under the weight of this stress.
I believe that both you and your husband can do what you think is right here. You can continue to welcome your daughter home when your husband is not there. You can be open with her that he is very scared and angry, and that it may take time for him to open his heart again, although he always loves her deep down. I think you can have a discussion with your husband that it would be positive for the siblings to see each other, which it is. In fact, many siblings of addicts go the opposite way and never use drugs at all, just from seeing their sibling's life up close.
You and your husband need to take some time where you don't discuss this issue. You hang out with your daughter as much as you want, and don't criticize him for not being present. Similarly, ask him not to criticize your choices. In coming weeks and months, it may become more evident whether your daughter is intending to enter treatment or not. Either way, you and your husband need to be able to remain connected and close for the sake of your marriage as well as your kids.
A break from judging each other and from engaging on this issue at all may allow both of your tempers to cool, and one of you may naturally gravitate more to the other's position. If the conflict continues, then you need to start couples counseling, and/or family counseling in order to work with someone who specializes in addiction issues and the stress they place on family and couple relationships. But do not assume that your husband has "no skin in the game." He is trying his best to parent in a situation that confuses, angers, and devastates him, and both of you need to try to respect each other's viewpoint here, rather than allow your daughter's addiction to destroy your marriage.
Good luck, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, There Isn't Just One Way To Parent.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.