Reader Overwhelmed New Mom of Two writes,
How do you help your toddler feel less jealous of baby, aside from just spending alone time with her? Specifically, when you're with both kids?
Dear ONWOT,
Most toddlers struggle with the transition from being their parents' one and only to their parents' one of many. So do most sister wives, I bet. It does vary between kids though; I have three kids, pictured above, and the oldest wasn't very jealous of the middle, but the middle was jealous of the baby. Either way, here are some things to try:
1. Empathize, but don't fixate on the jealousy idea. In my experience, when parents keep bringing the same idea up over and over, the kid starts to think this is what is expected of them. (Example: when parents keep saying "don't worry," it makes the kid start to think, "wait, am I supposed to be worried? Uh oh!") So, if your toddler keeps hearing how it's okay to be jealous, they will not move on even when they don't feel that jealous anymore. If you've already said it's okay to be jealous, leave the idea alone for a bit.
2. Try to help toddler empathize with baby. "Look, the baby looks sad, I wonder what baby wants?" "Look, what do you think baby is wondering about?" This is laying the foundation for close sibling relations and also for your child to develop perspective taking in general.
3. Let the toddler help in a genuine way with the baby. Don't give the toddler some fake chore that even the toddler knows is BS (e.g., "help me put on the diaper.") Instead, even a young toddler can do something truly helpful, like bring you your water bottle while you nurse, or click on a music app on the ipad to soothe the crying baby. Natalia at 19 months went upstairs and got baby a new outfit when she had a blowout diaper. Yes, I am bragging, because that was pretty awesome. It is also one of the few things I remember from the first 6 months of Clara's life (blame the PTSD from having two kids that damn close together).
4. Compliment your toddler on being a good big sibling, particularly when the toddler can "overhear" this compliment. All people believe something more if they think they are overhearing it. I like to really put on my actress hat for this one, e.g. "Are you serious, you're going to be home late again? Well at least Natalia is being a good big sister and helping out." Kids know how you do and don't tal when they are listening.
5. Catch the toddler being good. Even if it is just one minute of playing nice with baby, or 30 seconds of waiting for baby to be fed and not tantrumming, note it and praise it. Aim for meaningful and specific praise rather than just "good job." Example: "Wow, baby was able to nurse for so long because you played quietly with your blocks. Baby isn't hungry anymore. I am so proud of you for being such a good big brother."
6. Engage in "special time" one on one with your toddler. The best type of "special time" is 10 minutes or so of free play where you play exactly how your child wants you to. No instructions, teaching, or questions, just observing. You literally just narrate what they and you are doing. Example: "Oh, you're making the blue car move. Vroom vroom. Now I'm picking up the pink car. Ha ha, you made them crash." Kids love this. It's the kid equivalent of your husband leaning in and asking, excitedly, "And then what did your friend say her husband said? Really? And then what did you say about what he said?" If your toddler is satisfied by the quality of your together time, he may chillax more around baby. You can read more about special time in the book Parenting the Strong-Willed Child.
7. Make sure to emphasize all the things your toddler can do that baby can't do. Example: "It's sad that baby doesn't get to taste this yummy cake, like you can because you're so big." When I used to do this with my oldest, she became sad for the baby, which wasn't the intended outcome, so take your child's temperament into account.
8. Read books with your toddler that can help him or her understand that other kids also struggle with having a new baby in the house, but that it's really awesome to be the big sister/brother! Here's a bunch and I think I own all of these.
Hopefully these hints can be helpful in easing your toddler's transition. Remember, they are only young for a little while, and cherish each moment, for they pass so quickly. Just kidding. Good luck, my comrade in arms, and till next time, I remain, Your Favorite Blogapist Who Had Three Kids Under 3 1/2 and Has The Gray Hair and Vacant Expression to Prove It, But They Are Bigger Now And Things Do Get Better, Guys.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.
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