Reader Cry Me A River writes,
Ever since I had my son my empathy has gone through the roof. Even 2 1/2 years later, I can't seem to find the dial it down button and constantly imagine how I'd feel in whatever situation I'm reading about.
Some examples, I read any sad news story about literally anything and I cry. I read a book that's sad and I cry, I watch my favorite tv shows and I cry. It of course is much worse when it involves children or helpless animals.
Can you please help me find some balance again? I don't mind having a softer side now, but it's at warp speed whereas I'd like impulse speed. Seriously though, any advice to be able to sit through normal stories and tv shows would be greatly appreciated.
Dear CMAR,
Your new sensitivity isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it's pretty common to become more emotional about upsetting stories about kids when you become a parent. Before having kids, most people would think the worst thing that could happen to you was getting fired, or a breakup. Now it's that your kid gets run over by a car. So, you know, that's just a bit worse.
Also, women's hormones go nuts after having kids. Your menstrual cycle can change (like you can develop PMDD), you can experience post-partum depression, anxiety, or OCD, your sex drive may disappear, chronic pain like migraine can worsen, all sorts of awesome stuff. Your tendency to cry and feel deeply may be like a constant PMS-level tearfulness, due to your hormones changing permanently after kids.
If you want to go the self-acceptance route, which I always recommend, focus on the many positives of being empathic. I'm always telling people to develop their empathy and teach their kids empathy, because empathy makes you skillful socially, deepens your relationships and your experience of the world, and makes you a kinder person and likely a better citizen. It's kind of like you turned into a Highly Sensitive Person overnight, and there are many positives associated with being an HSP.
But, of course, any sensitivity comes with down sides, like your inability to watch TV without weeping. If you think my hormone issue may be worth exploring, speak to your doctor about trying birth control or some other way to get you rebalanced. You also may be experiencing subclinical post partum depression, which you should get checked out if you generally feel sad or irritable in addition to emotional.
If you feel fine except for the teary episodes, you can try to train yourself to disengage emotionally from the TV show or book that's upsetting you. Look away, take a deep breath, and tell yourself that it is a scene with actors or a fictional account, or, if it's nonfictional, tell yourself that it's over now and there are other, happy things going on in the world as well. Remind yourself of pleasant or neutral activities you engaged in, or focus on another thought, like how your child's toddlerhood is fleeting and ephemeral and he'll never be exactly two and a half again and you don't want to miss any moment because he's the most wonderful baby in the world. Or maybe not that.
Good luck, and by the way, anecdotally as a therapist I believe that people who are more emotional and sensitive are often more romantic and responsive in bed too, so that's a positive for your husband, who may be annoyed that you're always sobbing over some commercial with a toddler growing up and getting her driver's license. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Agrees That Commercial Is Pretty Touching.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.