Pinterest, you may look happy and colorful, but you are really a cold and heartless artistically-designed, birthday-cake fueled demon. You have taught me that I suck in areas of life that I didn't even know existed until I met you. Here are 10 of them. And then I will cry alone in my poorly organized and embarrassingly decorated bedroom until naptime is over.
WTF is this, you inquire? Well, maybe you already know, because you don't suck as much as I do. It's MATTRESS CLEANING, obviously. Not only do people do this, but there are multiple ways to do it, and some of them involve purchasing some kind of special spray. Sorry, mattresses that have never been cleaned. Sorry, my kids who will probably get some kind of respiratory problem from unclean mattresses. Sorry, self, for sucking.
Sorry, baby that keeps getting tangled in cords and almost asphyxiating. It was this easy all along. How did they ever let me take you home from the hospital? I'm going to pretend I know what to call this wire basket looking thing is, but to be honest, I don't. Double epic suck.
Sorry, kids to whom I give gifts in the same three worn gift bags for every birthday, storing them back in the closet immediately after you have taken the gift out. There are other mothers that have not only wrapping paper, but multiple brightly-colored rolls of it stored vertically behind some sort of [again I don't know what the hell to call this thing] and also purchase extremely cute rain boots that they allow to sit on the hardwood floor because why the hell not. These moms can just redo the floors themselves when they warp because they are so goddamn handy.
Holy mother of Pinterest, I got something right! I knew people weren't supposed to leave their shoes on the floor! But now, what is this contraption? There is no way I am going to have the motivation to hang a coat rack six inches off the floor and then to shoo my baby away from it every three seconds. Sorry, kids, Mommy sucks again.
The printed label part of this is just a big F you. Not only do you have the damn binders, not only are you the sort of person who saves manuals to put into a binder, not only is there a conspicuous absence of papers randomly jammed into the binders and falling out of their sides, not only is there no baby eating one of the binders, not only are the binders vertical, aligned, and in an array of bright colors, but then you couldn't just write out PETS with a marker? It's four letters. You really needed to break out the labelmaker for that? Look, don't listen to me, I'm just jealous. And a crappy person.
There are so many ways I fail as a human being encapsulated into this one picture. Firstly, I have about four cleaning supplies, if you count paper towels. Five if you count saliva. Secondly, I have no hanging shoe organizer. Thirdly, my washing machine has never been that clean. I mean, look at that thing. Fourthly, being the sort of individual to not only assemble this set up but then to take a picture of it and use some unknown type of program to put a little caption on it? Can we say that they have life by the balls? I am putting this person in my will to get my kids if my husband and I both die. In fact, maybe I should just do it when we are still alive.
My kitchen organizer is even more hidden! I can't even find it myself! I win!
Sure, I sort the laundry. I sort it into today and tomorrow. And never, like my jeans, and anything that could be construed as outerwear. Sorry, my family. Sucking again.
Okay, I may suck, but I am no fool. There is NOBODY whose garage looks like this, and if you try to show me your garage that does look like this, I will laugh loudly in your face. But then I will cry inside.
Happy birthday to you, Mommy sucks. Sorry to my daughters for not being able to even fathom what step one would be of creating this cake, besides possibly taking eggs out of the refrigerator and seeing if we have flour in the house. Maybe this woman can adopt you if the organizer one falls through.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Sucks According to Pinterest.
Dr. Samantha Rodman is a clinical psychologist in private practice and a mom of three kids under 5. She blogs at Dr. Psych Mom. Join her on Facebook and on Twitter @DrPsychMom.