Welcome back to The Bachelor recaps, by your favorite Blogapist. You know you don't read me for the psychology articles. We open in a voyeuristic photo shoot of Ben, that tall drink of water from, you guessed it, a small town. We see him driving, and he tells us all about his hometown of Generic, USA. In fact, Ben is pretty generic himself, so we'll just call him Beneric.
After some more rah rah stuff about Beneric's "heartland" "values" (which probably include banging multiple girls later this season in the Fantasy Suite), we realize that Beneric can pronounce "legitimize," which makes him unique for this show. Unsurprisingly, Beneric comes from a highly functional marriage, and his dad is attractive for an older dude. His dad discusses defense mechanisms in his heart-to-heart with Ben, so we know he's read a book in his life, unlike the winner of last season's Bachelorette.
Beneric adorably pretends to fear that the women won't like him. His mentors, previous Bachelors, sit down with him, and AAH I CAN'T FAST FORWARD BECAUSE THIS IS HULU BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TV ANYMORE BUT I SPECIFICALLY SUBSCRIBED TO HULU JUST TO RECAP THIS DETRITUS FOR YOU GUYS SO BE APPRECIATIVE. I try to dissociate but Sean's red lumberjack shirt draws my eyes back to the screen like women are drawn to tall generic Midwestern men. The old Bachelor with a kid is talking now. And now, the idiot from the last Bachelor, who, despite having the intelligence of a plantar wart, has managed not to drown in the bathtub in the past year and is still around to regale us with his witticisms.
We meet the range of beautiful Millennial women with whom Beneric will one day raise pathologically attractive children. The first is a beautiful blonde. The second is a beautiful brunette. The first one likes the beach and the second one likes to paint. Diversity is the order of the day, folks.
Next is a woman who says that Beneric has "every single quality in a man" that she is looking for, which is code for "is tall and handsome." The fourth is a dentist. There's always a dentist on this show. Next we have hot blonde twins. The attractiveness level of people on this show climbs season after season. They should just combine Miss America with The Bachelor and kill two birds with one stone. DON'T STEAL THAT IDEA, ABC. THAT IS A ZILLION DOLLAR IDEA.
Now we have a MILF with two kids. Two kids, that's new to the show. I want a woman with nine kids who is abandoning them all to starve so she can have a shot with Beneric. Maybe next season. And now we have a lunatic who doesn't want to leave her chickens to go on the show. Next is a lawyer with a dead dad, so she'll definitely be a finalist. Or does the dad just have a disease? Missed it because my kid was asking me for a snack. GET YOUR OWN SNACK, MOMMY IS WORKING. No, working doesn't mean "getting paid."
We see the bevy of beauties in a limo, pulling up to meet Prince Beneric. Beneric is 26. Chris Harrison asks if that's too young to find love, and he says, yup, but just the right age to have girls compete to give me the best head of my life in the overnight date episode. Not really, but he thought it.
The girls pour out of the limo, and they all try to make a "good first impression," which is so awkward to watch that it really requires alcohol for a human being to watch it; unfortunately it's 3:30pm and I'm home with my kids and STOP CLIMBING ON THE COFFEE TABLE! I TOLD YOU TO MAKE YOURSELF A SNACK!
Amanda seems insipid enough to go far, and Lace gives him the first kiss and therefore we can assume she is off her rocker, because this show usually only allows assertive girls on if they are also completely insane. Also, Lace must be crazy because she has her hair in a messy bun, and everyone knows you need long flowing hair to be considered hot. But she is so hot that she defies stereotypes like that.
Next, we have a mathematician who speaks in another language. So this definitely proves that educated women have fewer dating options than other women. An event planner bends over and shows him her ass in a mating ritual she disguises as "playing football to be cute." A kindergarten teacher throws Beneric a bouquet that she caught at a wedding. Aw, that's so creepy, I mean, endearing.
Next comes the dentist with a flower on her head. Like, she's supposed to look like a flower. And typing that sentence took 4 seconds of my life that I'll never get back. The women in the house start to act catty and competitive, because this shows portrays women as strong feminists.
The twins come out and Beneric is appropriately amazed. Two hot blondes that look the same! I mean, he already has about 20 hot blondes inside the house that look the same, but these two have the same DNA. Awesome. A cowgirl comes out with a pony, and she loses in advance.
Next a woman comes out and breaks French bread loaves, to say she is getting rid of gluten, and this could be an in-joke but we won't know because if I rewind, it is possible that Hulu won't let me fast forward again. Lace appears to be the token raging narcissist, and asks if her boobs look okay.
A hot accountant comes out. Then a hot zombie and a hot proctologist. Just kidding, except about the accountant. I think that Ben likes blondes. I call it- the winner will be a blonde. Next up: I predict that a baseball team will win the World Series. Next we have Jackie the gerontologist who brings a wedding invitation with their names, which is an awesome surefire way to show a guy you're a nutjob in the first ten seconds that he knows you, in case anyone was looking for one.
Beneric calls his parents on speaker, which is kind of like those articles about kids raised by helicopter parents who give the phone to their parents in their job interviews to negotiate their salaries for them. Or is it just super adorable? Your call.
Ben goes inside because his Mommy told him to, and he makes grand sweeping empty statements about knowing his wife is in the room. Perhaps she is a fetus inside one of the women. The dentist pulls Beneric inside and aggressively asks about his flossing routine and examines his mouth with dental instruments. A small contingent of dental instrument fetishists across the nation rejoice.
Olivia, a hot blonde who left her news anchor job, entrances Beneric with her big heart, by which I mean her body. A girl from Dallas asks Beneric about basic geography and he fails, but it doesn't make him any less hot, so whatevs.
Now there's another limo, which brings Becca the virgin and Amber whom I don't know but it seems like I should. All the women think it's unfair because blah blah in-group out-group bias. Beneric is into Becca and the other girls hate her. Lace fishes for compliments about her kiss, and Beneric withholds it. The dentist comes back. Lace begins to cry because why not. The women start slinging the ultimate insult: that some women Are Not Here For Ben[eric].
We see a glimpse of a cameraman because The Bachelor is meta and edgy. Beneric pulls Lace aside to comfort her, which totally wasn't her game plan or anything. Lace thinks this means she is Beneric's soulmate. Ben has Deep Conversations with multiple hotties. Then he takes the first impression rose and gives it to Olivia, the hot ex-news anchor.
Rose ceremony. Emotions running high. He gives Lace a rose last, and she looks a gift horse in the mouth and starts a fight with him about that he didn't make eye contact with her before giving it to her. WTF, Beneric, you don't need this. You're not even married yet.
Highlights from this season of The Bachelor include: polygamy, cow tipping, touring the continent in a hot air balloon, MMA fighting, mandatory threesomes in the fantasy suite, and Beneric Feeling Deeply. Okay, fine, only the last one happens, but should I be a producer on this show or what?
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, If You Want to Marry Beneric, You Better Be a Hot Blonde Gerontologist Twin With A Pony Who Plays Football. You Play, Not The Pony. That Would Be Silly.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.