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The Bachelor Recapped By Someone Who Still Wants To Know If Britt Showers

02/24/2015 03:52 pm ET | Updated Apr 26, 2015

rose

We open in Bali because why the F not.  We see Chris in a few outfits consisting of differently colored pastel shirts, at least four different hues, coupled with either shorts or khakis.  No, five different pastels.  Count them if you don't believe me. Kaitlyn joins him, wearing extremely short pink shorts that just turned me into a lesbian for a minute.

Chris and Kaitlyn have the most boring date possible in someplace like Bali.  Chris says how important it is for his future wife to be able to talk to random people.  This does seem to be a theme he returns to, over and over.  So we know he likes his women hot and social.  Pretty original.

Chris encounters some monkeys that steal his banana and pee on him, enraged that he is the star of a reality show and about to bang Kaitlyn when they, with higher IQ's, are relegated to walk around without pastel shirts, stealing food and banging other monkeys.

Chris and Kaitlyn make out.  Then they try to talk, which doesn't go as smoothly as the making out, since it involves more of Chris's forebrain and less of his mammalian brain stem.  Kaitlyn talks about needing to talk about her deep feelings with Chris and all the viewers cringe.

Kaitlyn and Chris descend into a romantic, candle-lined nest of romance.  Kaitlyn is scared to tell Chris she loves him.  Chris understands, because he has been scared of things too, like standardized tests.  And women who don't speak in cliches.  Kaitlyn doesn't remember the last time she felt like this.  Because she has never felt like this because it's an artificial and contrived situation that is so dramatic and hormone-inducing that it could make a woman fall in love with an an emperor penguin.  I mean because this is Real Love.

Now we have the Fantasy Suite invitation, and get off those tenterhooks folks, because she agrees to go. They do a tour or the site and we see their premarital sex bed.  Kaitlyn finally spits out that she's completely falling in love with Chris and he says he's falling in love with her too, which I thought was against the rules in previous seasons.  And now they have intercourse.  Cut to commercial.

Now we see Chris in yet another color of pastel shirt, this time the shade of a ripe mango.  And just as quickly, he changes into a white shirt.  Maybe the mango shirt was a bit much, thought the producers.  He is standing by a yacht and Whitney jumps into his arms.  She's less hot than Kaitlyn but maybe she makes up for it by being even more hypersocial, since those are Chris's only two criteria for women.

"Bali is beautiful," says Chris creatively.  Whitney describes how awesome her life is now that she's going to get engaged to Chris, since she forgot there are two other contestants left, one of whom Chris just did the deed with, implicitly, in the Fantasy Suite.  Whitney discusses why her undermining sister sucks.  Chris says some platitudes and then he and Whitney frolic in the sea like less intelligent dolphins.

Whitney wears a chartreuse maxi dress, a phrase which sounds less attractive than "Whitney wears a decomposing hippopotamous corpse."  Chris talks about being worried that Whitney will ever wear that unflattering strapless bra again, I mean, will decide against leaving her nurse job to move to the middle of nowhere.  Chris talks about his isolated, farm-bound existence, where he only gets to talk to visiting merchants and the town crier.  Whitney says she would leave her career and not look back if she had the chance to marry Chris and have his babies, and feminism dies.

Chris says he could see himself with Whitney, now that she has assured him that her career is meaningless and a veritable place saver until she could fill up her uterus.  Whitney reads the Fantasy Suite invitation since Chris cannot read, and the two adjourn to have Chris's second round of Fantasy Sex in as many days.  I breathe a sigh of relief that Whitney's unappealing outfit will be off within the next few minutes.

Becca the virgin sees Chris, and the mango shirt is back!  Maybe it's a devirginating good luck charm.  Chris discusses being anxious that Becca might be bad in bed, I mean, has never been in love before.  Chris says "I love this kind of stuff" about the whole of Bali.  Me too, Chris.  Me too.  Becca says, "It would be devastating if my virginity was a dealbreaker for him."  Don't worry, Becca, I think Chris's  dealbreakers are careers, not hymens.

Chris and Becca tell each other that they miss each other.  I am counting the syllables of all their words and I have yet to hear one with two syllables.  Becca says, "Tonight's the make or break night," and no pun seems to be intended. Becca is anxious about telling Chris she's a virgin, probably because that's the biggest word either of them has used all day.

Chris and Becca talk and talk over dinner.  Again, the conversation turns to Arlington Iowa, as conversations are wont to do in romantic dinners across the world.  It's the Paris of Iowa.  Becca says she would move there, which I believe.  If you haven't even experienced a penis, why not foreclose your life early and also move to a ghost town?  Becca reads the Fantasy Suite invitation, which Chris can phonetically sound out by now since it's his third time having it read to him.  Which proves that you should read to your kids every night because eventually they will get it.

Becca says yes to the penis, or to the Fantasy Suite. She still hasn't told him that she's a virgin. Chris and Becca walk around the Fantasy Suite and he pretends he didn't just do this two other times.  Here we go, she's going to tell him!  She tells him she's falling in love with him but she has something important to share with him.  And it's her vagina.  She says, "I am a virgin."  Chris says nothing.  Then he sighs. This seems to be going better than the Playboy thing from last episode.  He says, "It's never easy to respond to that," which indicates that he's an experienced virgin handler.  The two pull the curtains closed and that's the only thing that remains closed, winky face.

Chris gazes out over the horizon wearing- holy mother of God- it's a collarless shirt!  Just when you think you have this man figured out, he changes the pastel linen shirts for a gosh darn T-shirt of all things.  As my mind boggles, Chris says something about not knowing who to eliminate and wanting to be a polygamist.  Chris cries in his confessional, because he really just loves women and wants to have a harem in his house and why is life so unfair?   Hold the phone, this wasn't just a T-shirt, it was a V-neck!  You man of mystery, you.

Okay, whew, Chris is back in a collared shirt, although it's in a sassy plaid pattern.  Chris Harrison comes in to prescribe a mood stabilizer, oh wait, he isn't an actual psychiatrist but just acts as one on this show.  Chris and Chris talk about "emotional turmoil" and it becomes impossible for me to focus. Chris says after his evening with Becca, he "can tell she's a passionate person," which is code for "handjob."  About Kaitlyn, Chris says he can see "her and I" doing something that doesn't involve acing a seventh grade English grammar test.

Rose ceremony.  Chris and Chris Harrison dress in all white because they are on sacred ground, and Chris is told not to make out with the women in the temple.  The women wear Balinese outfits and discuss how much they love Chris.  Chris asks to talk to Becca alone, and the other women are torn between jealousy and jealousy.  Becca tells him she's crazy about him and tries to get her "I love you" in under the wire.  Are those fake lashes?  She looks like a Barbie doll.  Virgin Barbie.  Real Barbie is a virgin too, but it doesn't count when you're made without genitals, since it's not a challenge.  Chris is waffling, is he going to eliminate her?  Is he going to keep her?  Is he going to have sex with her at the temple?

Back at the ceremony, Kaitlyn says she thinks Chris is saying goodbye to Becca.  So that foreshadows Becca's return and Chris taking all three to meet his family, like he alluded to wanting to do in the confessional where he cried.  You heard it here first- YES!  He's walking back with her.

Chris says he needed to collect his thoughts, which should have taken about 30 seconds.  Whoa, Kaitlyn is out!  I'm wrong.  But I'm right in that I originally said Kaitlyn was too smart for Chris.  She whispers, "What happened?" And Chris basically says nothing but a load of BS about making tough decisions.  Kaitlyn tries not to cry.  This is painful to watch.  Poor Kaitlyn.  Poor Chris.  WHY IS POLYGAMY ILLEGAL? O unjust universe that makes a man chooseth between three women who are equally adoring and nubile.

In the limo, Kaitlyn refers to this as "the most humiliating moment of her whole life," which seems to indicate that in the Fantasy Suite, Chris was singing a different tune, and the rug has been pulled out from under her.  Chris and his sacred cummerbund wander weepily around the periphery of the temple. Next time, it's the women tell all episode, and the Pseudo-Kardashian is back!  So is Britt!  And Kelsie!  And the following week, s%&* gets real on the tundra of wintertime Iowa.  Or maybe that's how it looks in the summer too.  Who would know?  Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Wants The Monkey To Be The Next Bachelor.

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