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The Bachelor Recapped in Rhyme

02/18/2015 04:44 pm ET | Updated Apr 18, 2015

rose

Chris walks down the streets of his town

And Becca turns his frown upside down

She wears yellow and radiates serenity

Or maybe that's actually a halo of virginity

Chris and Becca recline and canoodle

She's very sweet, so I think he'll say toodle

Since as we know from seeing him with Britt,

He only likes ladies who pull dramatic s%&t.

Becca is behaving pretty sycophantically

Which leads Chris to lean in and kiss her romantically.

In the women's house, the drama is back.

Britt says she's leaving, is she on crack?

Britt cries and cries about being Chris's wife

Which shows she is a wackadoo in real life.

Carly tries to strangle herself with her own hair

Sadly enough I doubt Chris would care.

Britt's delusions become paranoid

If she leaves, Carly will be overjoyed.

Jade the porn star is wearing high socks

Even in a stupid outfit she is a fox.

At the ceremony, Chris starts his speech

And Britt sucks up the spotlight like a crazy leech

She asks to have a moment alone

In a very dramatic tone

Britt apologizes to Chris from the bottom of her heart

And he doesn't know what to say, since he's not smart

Whoa- he may be shooting her down!

Maybe Prince Farming isn't such a clown.

Holy moly Britt is done!

She may be crazy but she was fun.

She cries as loudly as she's able

But Chris is unmoved, since she's just too unstable

I guess Kaitlyn is now the front runner.

She is smart, friendly, and a stunner.

Thus I hope she is sent home

So she won't have to live where the buffalo roam.

Britt keeps crying hysterically for a change

But Chris doesn't go back out, because she is deranged.

Who else will Chris now send packing?

Carly, because her sexiness is lacking.

My husband says Carly was the most compatible with Chris

And I'm all like WTF are you even watching this??

Men don't understand reality TV

But at least he usually watches with me.

Now hometown dates begin

And we'll get more clues about which girl might win.

Chris and Becca kayak with joy

As she has never previously brought home a boy

He sits at dinner with all of her relations

The family is bigger than many small nations.

Chris gets along with these affable folks

They would be the type to laugh at his "jokes."

"She's not an intimate person," says Becca's bitchy sis

Who is so jealous she could nearabout piss.

Now Chris talks to Becca's momma bear

Who tells Chris not to touch any other women or beware

The undermining sister tries to get in Becca's head

And ensure that she doesn't take Chris to bed.

Chris steals Becca from her family's clutches

And on a Ferris Wheel they share lingering touches.

In the land of the fried gator

Chris may end up being a devirginator.

Next, Whitney welcomes Chris to Illinois

And they look like J Crew models full of joy

She brings him to her place of work

Which is ironic as she would leave her career for this jerk

"I make corn, I can't imagine what it would be like to make babies," Chris states

And we all hope that he really doesn't know how to procreate.

Chris asks Whitney for her family's blessing for marriage

And Whitney visualizes the baby carriage.

Whitney's family seems pretty great

Chris is thinking he wants her to be his mate.

Then her sister brings up the idea of the small town

What's up with all the sisters cutting the women down?

It's Whitney's choice if she wants to hitch her wagon to a fool

Her sister is definitely not acting cool.

Whitney's sister won't say she approves of Chris

And Whitney is extremely pissed.

Whitney says she loves Prince Farming

Everyone seems to, which is alarming.

Now Chris goes to Canada to a recording studio

His rapping is bad but it puts Kaitlyn in the mood-io

Kaitlyn says her feelings for Chris are scary

I couldn't agree more and hope they don't marry

Kaitlyn's family seems supportive while they are dining

Maybe they won't be horrible and undermining.

 

Kaitlyn's mom seems warm and kind

And genuinely is letting Kaitlyn make up her own mind.

Kaitlyn surprises Chris with a billboard

So she loves him too, Oh Lord.

Now Chris visits Jade the Playboy Bunny

She hasn't told him that yet though, so that should be funny

Jade's dad says she's "too much" for other guys

The brother calls her a "wild mustang" which "opens Chris's eyes."

It seems to be time to tell him about the nudes

But that could put a damper on the overall mood.

Jade tells her dad she's changed and loves Prince Farming

Her dad cries, which is sweet and charming

Jade starts to tell Chris she's posed nude

Let's see if Chris is a laid back dude.

She offers to show him the naked shots

Chris can barely look her computer and is blushing lots

Chris says it doesn't bother him if she has posed nude

Whatever he is, at least he's not a prude.

Jade is relieved and loves Chris even more

Now that he didn't call her a whore.

Rose ceremony, what do you know

I say Becca will be the one to go

Holy moly he eliminated Jade

Guess the nude pictures made him afraid.

A girl willing to model that way

Isn't going to be fulfilled by cows and hay

Moral of the story is:

Tell guys earlier about your nude photos, gee whiz.

Jade cries and seems really upset.

I think she'll meet a new man while her tears are still wet.

Jade cries attractively as she departs

And Chris goes back in to his remaining sweethearts.

Next week Chris takes the ladies to Bali

And I will continue to document this folly.

However, the hell if I will ever rhyme again

My life is not long enough to stay up past ten.

Till we meet again, I remain

The Blogapist Who Hopes You Didn't Think This Was Lame

For more, visit Dr. Rodman at Dr. Psych Mom, on Facebook, and on Twitter @DrPsychMom.