We open with a recap of how Jojo, the new Bachelorette, was rejected by Beneric last season, and how she is now ready to find a new guy, because let's be real, she's hot and her 15 minutes of fame just got quadrupled by the network and who's Beneric again? Jojo hangs out with previous seasons' Bachelorettes and asks them some dumbass, staged questions that I can't be bothered to type out. The overarching theme is "do what you want and be happy" because this is America goddammit and YOLO. One asks her if she feels ready to be engaged and she says no. Just kidding! She says yes, because she is the Bachelorette, and that's like asking my kids if they want a popsicle. With sugar on top.
Now we're introduced to some of the guys who will compete for Jojo's hand. The first is a hot young fireman.
Not yet, son. Grant is certainly not as cute as you, but he does win because he is 28 and not 2.8.
The next guy's brother is an ex-NFL player whose brother is currently an NFL quarterback so we know he has insecurity issues and also that Jojo will flirt with his brother at Thanskgiving. He also lost his first love because he was focusing on football but now that he's a has-been he totally has time to focus on Jojo. Awesome.
The following guy is a marine and a twin. His twin is married to a hot blonde and now this guy wants a hot brunette because symmetry.
We then turn to James, a "superfan" of the Bachelor, which is what women find really attractive, instead of say, a "career."
Evan is an erectile dysfunction specialist, which I don't think is a "doctor" or they would have said that, but who knows. That's funny because Jojo could also give an erection to just about any guy so they have that in common.
A surfer is next, and we see him surfing. Because token surfer.
Next is the token guy with a corporate job who wears a suit, and this time he is also the token biracial guy. Remember last time's drama between the women over who was more black (that link may or may not include that interaction but it does link to Jubilee acting nuts)? I guess they are hoping to set that same dynamic up this season.
Jojo, looking as hot as only the childfree can look, shimmers in a beautiful gown and meets the droves of hot guys coming out of the limos. Her life and my life are totally similar, in that we both have to pretend to laugh at jokes that aren't funny, but I'm listening to my kids and she's listening to sexy dudes who want to sleep with her. Some guys obviously appear to be more intelligent than Jojo, which isn't exactly a high bar, but means that they will face the same fate as intellectuals in any fascist regime, i.e., immediate removal, no traces left.
One guy wears a kilt, and one guy is Santa, so basically WHERE ARE THE JEWS HERE, JOJO?? We want to be representing, and if nobody shows up in a tallis with a yarmulke I am going to sue this show for discrimination. One guy, who I think is an architect, says there are two types of men here, the confident well dressed ones and ones who are corny without much to say. I actually think all the guys have been all four of those things.
Vinny, a barber from Delray Beach, is not going to stay on the show long enough for me to finish typing this sentences. One man says she's so out of his league, and girls always love that line. And then he brings out his a capella group to sing I Swear by Boyz II Men. Wait is this actually Boyz II Men? It is possible, but I would have to look up from my computer and so far, the only way I can ensure that I don't vomit while watching this is avert my eyes and only listen.
Another guy rides up on a unicorn, which is as real as the love that will be found on this show. And another guy is a bad boy on a motorcycle, which she likes, because she's a bad, bad girl. And yes I am referring to grades in any class that wasn't "Marketing." The guys in the house say she's the best Bachelorette because she's "not crazy and all hot," and if anyone wants a summary of what guys are looking for in a woman, it's that. Except without the "not crazy."
The military dude does pushups, and Jojo likes it, because all girls like pushups, I don't care how deep they are. Ali the hot bartender does something hot, I can't pay attention. The fireman tells her how nervous he is to meet her. All of them tell her how nervous they are, and she doesn't go for that stuff. She wants a Real Man, and she says that she feels no instant connection with anyone the way she did with Beneric. And then the ex-NFL player comes in and whoa, that wasn't predictable, she likes him the best. Because he is the fittest male with the highest quality sperm, and she wants to mate with him. The other guys can just go home now.
Once the football player fluffed her, Jojo is ready to connect with more guys, and the sexual attraction she feels for him allows her to convince herself that she is attracted to some of the others. But she isn't. She has an awkward kiss with someone who she doesn't like. The football player comes back and kisses her, just because he can. Music starts and Jojo gets engaged. In her heart. So romantic, until she mentions to herself how great his butt is. Damn women, can't keep their minds out of the gutter.
The band is All 4 One. So now you can sleep at night.
Chad is "surprisingly vulnerable" which Jojo finds "endearing" and "vagina-stimulating." Chad tells the camera he is a rugged, manlier version of Beneric. But so am I.
The erection specialist notes that the guys are drinking to assuage their anxiety around the beautiful Jojo. The Canadian who tried to make the "Damn, Daniel" joke that was too awkward for me to mention the first time tries to explain the joke, which is exponentially more awkward. (If you're not a millennial, google this phrase, and don't blame me for the resulting 3 minutes of your life that you'll never get back.) Daniel tries to poke some other guy's belly button and the guys all say this is inappropriate and that his tie is too short. Then they all line up for gym class because this is 7th grade.
Daniel gets "Canadian-wasted" and takes his clothes off to dive in the pool, so he's out. There is foreshadowing that he'll be kicked off. Oh, I think I realize why everyone think Jojo is the hottest bachelorette, and it's because she has huge boobs. Usually, the bachelorettes don't have huge boobs. Anyone with me on this?
The other guys judge Daniel for drinking to excess and making a fool of himself with Jojo, who then says that dealing with awkward drunk Daniel "exhausted" her. This is going to be a tough season for you, Jojo Bean.
The hot bartender Ali plays classical piano and Jojo melts. Note to guys: learn to play music.
The Santa dude has not gotten out of his costume yet, but Jojo flirts with him and takes off the beard. Note to guys: Be Santa.
James from Texas gives Jojo a lot of compliments and she eats them up. If anyone thinks you have to act mean to girls to get them to like you, watch this dude. He makes her feel like the hottest girl on the planet, and girls like that.
Luke has "silent, sexy confidence" and Jojo is "feeling it." But not as much as the football player Jordan, because he gets the first impression rose. What a shock.
Rose ceremony. But wait! What's this? A plot twist? A car pulls up with a man of mystery. Dum dum DUM. We see the spiffy shoes and fashionable pants, but not the guy himself... until, is it... could it be.... OMG HOLY &*(*& IT'S JAKE!! Jake the former Bachelor pilot who ended up with Vienna and that whole travesty. He wants to compete for Jojo? Well, hells bells.
Jake tells Jojo he wants love... for her. Oh, it's some stupid network BS where Jake isn't coming on the show at all. How ridiculous. We know this season is going to be boring AF (that's a trendy slang term, guys) since they have to add this filler in the first episode.
She gives out the roses one by one and some men must depart, like the Stupid Kilt guy, who completely seriously makes fun of the guy in the Stupid Santa outfit for getting a rose.
Highlight of the upcoming season include: Jojo in a plane, Jojo in the ocean, Jojo making out with hot guys, Jojo in a cool car, Jojo at dinner, Jojo on the dance floor, Jojo making out with more hot guys, Jojo promising herself she wouldn't go for bad boys but doing it anyway, the other guys getting mad at Jordan over Jojo liking him, alpha male posturing, mate selection, mate guarding, aggression, estrus, and a full range of mammalian courting behaviors.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, I Forgot To Mention That We Will Also See Jojo On A Boat.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.