Finally! The night has come (or the following afternoon for those of us who watch on Hulu) where viewers across American finally find out which guy Jojo will choose to date for the next six weeks, I mean, to marry. We're watching live and we get to see that Beneric is in the audience, and is still with the woman he chose over Jojo. Good work Beneric.
Jojo's family comes and meets her wherever she is, I think Thailand, and she says, "I've found myself in a bit of a predicament... I love both of them." Well shucks, this must be the first time that happened! Jojo's collagen injected mom seems genuine. Out comes Jordan, and he brings hats for everyone in the family, because isn't that cute. Mom says she worries about Jordan's playboy image. Mom is pretty insightful, saying that she's trying to talk openly to Jojo, but Jojo doesn't want to hear anything bad about Jordan because she's "all in love with him now." Jordan sits down with her dad, and doesn't ask for her hand in marriage, because he's a WUSSY.
Robbie's turn, he brings flowers for her mom, and she asks what attracts him about Jojo, "what it is about my baby girl that he likes." Robbie answers nicely, without mentioning her slamming body once. Mom seems to like Robbie and his "gentleman demeanor" better than she liked Jordan.
On another note, did Jojo's brothers get a dual lobotomy? They are so chillaxed now, compared to how awful they treated Beneric. Mom quizzes Robbie about his trustworthiness, and he soothes her troubled mind, telling both her and his dad that "Joelle" will be his number one priority in life. And then he asks for her hand in marriage. Mom tears up, because this is the proposal she always wanted for herself, but her husband looks like he has the creativity of a mollusk. Dad grants the permission, and with the proviso of twenty cows for the dowry, Jojo's ownership has officially been transferred.
The family analyzes the guys after they leave, and everyone agrees that Robbie is the better choice, more ready for marriage, and Jojo really doesn't like this feedback. Jojo finds out that Jordan didn't ask for her hand in marriage, and she is "shocked" and obviously disappointed. Jojo starts crying about how "stressed out" and confused she feels, and she "can't even imagine making a decision." She says that she would regret not going for Robbie if things didn't work out with Jordan, and vice versa. Welcome to adulthood, Jojo. Regret for every path not taken, and you haven't even lost your hot body to childbirth yet.
Date with Robbie. She seems way more tepid about Robbie now that she's ruminating about Jordan, who is now the challenge, the mountain to be scaled. Robbie says that Jojo may love two guys now but she'll only love one at the end, which is wrong. They sit on the beach, and Robbie fantasizes about family life with Jojo, which is uproarious from the perspective of anyone who actually has kids, as it involves ditching the burned meatloaf for pizza and Sauvignon Blanc while the kids cheer. Or puke or wet themselves or wait STOP BITING YOUR BROTHER! And Jojo says how much she trusts Robbie, who seems to want to impregnate her yesterday, and basically she's going to go for Jordan like an idiot.
Cuddle time on the couch. Robbie urges Jojo to ask him any questions she has, so that he can reassure her of how committed he is. Listen Robster, we understand, you're committed. Next to me, my five year old daughter pretends to text Robbie on an old cell phone. Homewrecker. Robbie brings out a selection of photos of their time together, which I guess he got from the producers. Jojo says that she only realized what her true worth is from feeling Robbie's love, which is a slight against Beneric and her crazy ex. Maybe Jojo is smart enough to choose Robbie. We shall see, ducklings.
Date with Jordan on a boat. He doesn't seem overly emotional, and Jojo says she has fears about him, related to him not asking for her hand in marriage. She asks Jordan what he talked to her dad about, and he says he wanted to ask her dad for his permission, but he didn't, because he wasn't sure it was what she wanted. And she says, "We talked about this on the overnight, how important my family was to me... and you said that moment was important for you too." Then she says she doubts that he's really ready. He explains that didn't want to ask without knowing that SHE was sure about him, and she says, but you should know what you feel. Which is true. He won't put himself out there first, without knowing that she already chose him, which doesn't make it a proposal. He wants her to say she would marry him before he asks her, which is typical of people with avoidant attachment, who don't want to make themselves vulnerable, for fear of getting rejected.
Jojo subjects Jordan to another conversation later that evening, and he implies that he has decided that he will "take a leap of faith" and propose even though she didn't tell him she'll 100% accept. So he is getting with the program, and he tells the camera that he's really bummed that he let her down. "Bummed" appears to be as serious as it gets.
It's D-Day. Robbie gets out of the shower and his best angle is "unclothed." He goes to pick out an engagement ring, "the perfect ring for the perfect girl." Jordan goes to get a ring too... but first, as I suspected he might, calls her parents on the phone to ask for permission, which is granted. He writes her a note, addressed to "Joelle," telling her that he got the requisite permission, for the producers to bring to her. What's up with calling Jojo by her full name only when discussing proposing?
Jojo gets dressed and puts on her makeup. She sits on the couch, and says that she had that moment of clarity, and knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that she has found the guy of her dreams. And then she goes outside and gets Jordan's note, left outside her door. She starts crying, and it is implied that she had decided on Robbie and now is thrown into ambivalence. Robbie also leaves her a note, and it's way better written, but intelligence doesn't matter on this show so that's a nonstarter. Jojo is thrown into a tumult.
Jojo walks out onto the beach, where she is distressed about having to hurt one of the dudes. She stands there, in the breeze, looking as radiant as a flower that is about to break someone's heart. The limo pulls up with the guy who will be rejected, and we know who is is as soon as we see the socks, which have pink details. It's the Robster, walking like a preppy lamb to the slaughter. This poor guy. The only thing he did wrong was being too emotionally open, which it appears that Jo-"elle" really doesn't like after all.
He starts his proposal, discussing how in love with her he is, he has "a love you only hear about in stories." Can she stop him before he continues more? This is cruel. Finally, she interrupts that she doesn't want him to get down on one knee because she "doesn't want to take that moment" from him. She says she "wanted it to be him" but "for some reason, my heart is somewhere else." Bam. As they say in my kids' preschool, she's making a "bad choice."
She starts crying and he's crying, and it seems like he's going to take this rejection like a real gentleman, which ups his chances of being the next Bachelor, a role he's born for. She says she loves him, but she still lets him go. He goes home in the limo, saying how hard this is, and she wanders around crying too.
But then Jordan shows up and all's right in the world. Her parents are going to be so disappointed. He tells her she looks amazing, and he says, "I love you so much... I fell in love with just 'us'... you continue to challenge me to be my best self... I'm so unbelievably in love with you... I'm going to wake up every morning and choose you, over and over again." Then she tells him how she feels. "Jordan, I love you so much, I've been waiting to tell you that I love you." And then they hug and then he gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him, and she says yes, and they cavort with happiness, and she gives him the final rose. Fini. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist That Says, Robbie Will Crush It If They Make Him The Bachelor.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice, including therapy, coaching, and consultation here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.